Tuesday, August 25, 2009

An Essay: How to Keep Your Owner Awake When He Desperately Needs Sleep by Phantom T. Cat

The first thing you do, and this will take days if not weeks of preparation, is get a urinary tract infection which causes you to have trouble controlling your bladder. Then you pee on his bed once or twice which makes him completely paranoid that every time you jump onto the bed you’re going to pee again.

Now, let’s say your owner has 2 jobs, one of them being a paper route. Let’s say he normally uses the weekend to catch up on his sleep, but this past Sunday he got up early to go to church and now he’s going to bed early Sunday evening hoping to get a few extra hours of sleep. You wait until he’s settled then you jump on the bed. This simple act keeps him awake because he’s worried you’re going to pee. The next thing you do is go down to the end of the bed and sit on the right side, moving around as much as possible. I start off by cleaning myself vigorously top to bottom so that I am in constant motion.

After a few minutes I decide the right side of the bed isn’t comfortable anymore and move to the left side. The left side isn’t quite right either so I move to the center. This of course isn’t right as well so I go back to the left, then the right, center, left, right, left, center, left, center, left, right, left, center, right, left, right, left, center and right before jumping off the bed entirely.

Wander aimlessly around for no more than 10 minutes then jump back on the bed and do the whole left-right-center three step again. He’ll be relaxing a bit because he’s so tired so now is when you walk up, stand on the pillow next to his head, put your butt in his face and meow for no apparent reason. After you get shoved down to the end of the bed, lie down and clean the area he just touched, throwing in a few indignant meows for good measure. Then stand up in a huff and jump off the bed.

You’re ready for something new now. Wait about 15 minutes, just when he’s finally starting to drift off to sleep, and then you get onto the night stand and leap from there to the center of the bed bringing your entire 15 pound weight down as heavily as you can. A string of curse words will follow and a hand may sweep out at you as you run to the end of the bed.

Once you’re at the foot of the bed, return to the left-right-center gambit one more time, but only for a minute or two or you may find yourself with a foot in your backside. Now it’s time for the piece de resistance. This time you’re going to leap from the bed to the nightstand, but you’re going to miscalculate the landing so that you crash to the floor making a racket causing your owner to jump out of bed and turn on the light. He will check for damage to the furniture and then ask you if you’re all right to which you reply, “Of course, I meant to do that.”

More curse words will follow but at this point your job is done. You’ve caused him to get little or no sleep for the past 3 hours and now he has only 2 more hours before he has to get up. Being the compassionate kitty that you are, you can now crawl onto the bed and go to sleep comfortably allowing him those 2 precious hours.

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