Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Aerosmith: Getting Their Asses Kicked by Father Time

Concert Cancelled in Venezuela While Joe Perry Fights Off Knee Infection
Seven Shows Postponed After Tyler Injures Leg
Bassist Hamilton Pulls Out of Tour to Recover from Surgery
Brad Whitford Needs Surgery after Hitting Head Getting Out of His Ferrari
Tyler Breaks Shoulder in fall from Stage

These are the stories fans of the rock band Aerosmith have been seeing for the past few months. Every member has had at least one surgery within the past year and their current tour has now been postponed for the second time due to an injury suffered by singer Steven Tyler, each time while . . . dancing. Yes, the Bad Boys of Boston are turning into our grandfathers right before our eyes.

Aerosmith is my all-time favorite band. I still believe that Rocks is the best hard rock album ever recorded. I have seen them live 8 times and will see them 8 more . . . if they survive their current tour. I have a ticket for the July 3 show in Hershey, PA which was postponed when Tyler tore a leg muscle, but I’m wondering if I will get to use it. Brad Whitford hit his head so hard getting out of his $300,000 Ferrari that he needed surgery? Really? That’s beyond a Spinal Tap moment.

After the postponement my brother sent me an email to tweak me about Aerosmith being too old and fragile. He suggested I become an Alice Cooper disciple because he’s been rather healthy since almost dying from drinking 723 cans of Budweiser a day for several years. I responded with a tirade worthy of . . . well, people who like tirades. But with each injury it’s getting more difficult to defend them.

To that end, I think it’s time for Aerosmith to re-record some of their songs to better fit their current ages and health status:

Sweet Emotion will now be Sweet Imodium
Train Kept a Rollin’ is Train? What Train? I Don’t Hear a Train
Toys in the Attic becomes I’m Lost in the Attic
Walk This Way is redone as I Need My Walker
Last Child is of course Last BM
Back in the Saddle changes to Back in the Lazy Boy
Love in an Elevator is rewritten as Love in the Back of an Ambulance

These will all be on their new CD Who Remembers Where We Parked? The recording will be done as soon as they finish the current tour which should be in a year or two.

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