It was quiet in Normaltown. The sun was just setting and folks had meandered home for the day. But as they shut their doors and the moon peeked over the horizon, something frightening returned to their burg. An auburn-haired dervish of howling, slobbering insanity roared down Main Street shouting “Conspiracy! Factual Inaccuracy! Fear!”
“Run!” the people cried, “Its Michele Bachmann!”
The good citizens of Normaltown quickly locked their doors and windows, pulled the shades and prayed to God for deliverance from “Chicken Little” Bachmann, but it was too late. The crazed congresswoman ran up and down the village streets, arms flailing, pupils dilated and frothing at the mouth.
What was she cackling about this time? It seems a car dealership that was shut down by GM was given a reprieve when the owner solicited the help of his Democratic senator who arranged a meeting with GM. Michele focused on the fact it was a Democratic senator who facilitated the saving of this business and she shrieked:
. . . We now have an imperial presidency where the President has appointed various czars reporting directly to him. And now he is reaching into the confines of private businesses and overnight rendering them virtually worthless—unless, unless they have a special tug, a political tie to a local Democrat Congressman. Is that what we’ve come to?
Of course, Michele doesn’t have time for “the truth” or “reality” or “facts” or “principles”. She has conspiracies to uncover. The aliens will be here for her soon and she has work to do before they reach Earth.
So while she was contacting the mothership she missed the part of the story where the owner of the salvaged car lot has no political ties to the Democrats. The man has never given a dime to a democrat, but has given over $100,000 in the last decade to republicans, including . . . this is the best part . . . wait for it . . . here it comes . . . over $6000 to . . . drum roll please . . . Michele Bachmann!
When the Normaltown residents learned of this they rushed out of their homes pelting Michele with reference books, newspapers, congressional reports and laptops already linked to Google and Yahoo. “We’re thinkers here in Normaltown,” the mayor bellowed while hitting Michele with a biography of Joseph McCarthy. Michele fought back with her patented cries of “Socialism!”, “Socialism!” and even “Socialism!” But it didn’t work.
The townspeople chased her back into the arms of the Minnesota state media who devoured her and regurgitated her back onto the local op-ed pages with titles like “Why Won’t She Shut Up?”, “Bachmann Writes New Dictionary, Only Contains One Word” and “Oddly Familiar Woman Shrieks at Passersby”.