Kellyanne
Conway said over the weekend that former president Obama spied on Donald Trump
through a microwave. At first this seemed ridiculous and I scoffed with a hearty
“That bitch is crazy.”
But
I’m re-thinking my position. I’ve taken a hard look at my own microwave and my
suspicions have grown like mold on meat sold out of the back of a pick-up
truck.
Why
does the light come on while cooking something? Is that a signal to a passing
satellite? Is the NSA bugging the photons of light to collect data on how I
live? Do they know I dance to Abba in chaps made of Italian cold cuts?
I
haven’t used my microwave in days because I no longer trust it. When I open the
door I’m sure I hear voices:
“Begin data dump now.”
“Why is he cooking fish sticks in the
microwave? They come out chewy this way.”
“Not Dancing Queen again.”
I also
realized if they’re tapping my microwave then my can opener can’t be safe
either. That whirring sound as the can spins around could contain my bank
account information, my H&R Block password or my secret security questions
into the Captain Jean-Luc Picard Fan Fiction Club, I-95 corridor chapter.
I’m
starting to get really paranoid. The light bulb in the living room lamp is
flickering. Is that a signal between the CIA and the DOD? Is NCIS Los Angeles
feeding the contents of my medicine cabinet to NCIS New Orleans (note: the
fungal cream that was prescribed was a misunderstanding)? Does MLB now know I prefer
the NFL and what about my complete disinterest in the NHL and MLS?
This
is getting serious. I’m not sleeping, all the lights are off. I was going to
cook something in the oven but I’m sure I saw a satellite dish coming out of
the propane tank outside. The light in the refrigerator snapped my picture as I
reached for a soda and the box of baking soda told me to have water instead.
I
think I’ll go talk to the cat for a while and calm down. Wait, did she always
have those faint stripes in her fur or are those implants installed by an agent
of the shadow government that’s living in my underwear drawer?
