We
only have a week before the national nightmare of this election cycle will be
over. I should be breathing easier. Seven short days and we get at least a few
months before the 2020 cycle begins. And yet I can’t relax. I’m so tired, like
my blood has been replaced by Gummi bears.
I
was writing a lot about the candidates during the primaries but I got lost in
the swamp of stupidity and arrogance. It took me a long time to climb my way
back out into the sunlight. And yet the sun isn’t as bright as it should be.
Every day I’m battered by commercials on radio and television about this
candidate or the other one. And it’s not just the presidential race, its state
campaigns.
“Bill Fenstermacher eats pickles in
bed!”
“Jane Woebegone makes cat videos in her
attic!”
“Clancy Chigger voted against new hats
for railroad conductors!”
“Bill Fenstermacher used to work as a
carnival freak called ‘Billy the Goat Boy’!”
“Diane Loosescrew wants to tax your toe
nail clippings!”
“Jane Woebegone shops at Target with
your tax payer money!”
“Clancy Chigger knows what you need . .
. because he’s a stalker!”
“Diane Loosescrew has an ingrown nose
hair. She’ll never survive a full term!”
All
day, every day, it’s a bloodbath of negativity splashed across my face. I grab
a towel to wipe it away but it smears like melted chocolate until my whole head
is covered in electoral slime.
“Larry Bungle sold crystal meth to panda
bears!”
“Francine Fuss wants to give our jobs to
migrant ornithologists!”
“Larry Bungle and his brother Harry
share 1 pair of socks!”
“Francine Fuss feels fairly fine with
festering fish fouling fresh water!”
Make
it stop! It sticks to my skin and won’t wash off. All the yelling and name
calling and lies and acting . . .
“Did you know Harold Megawealthyman
bought his position as county lunatic?”
“Sarah Hatespeople wants to force us all
to love pumpkin spice!”
Voter
down! Voter down! I need platforms and policy papers. I need voting records and
plans for strengthening infrastructure. Stop the insults! Stop lying! Stop with
the fear-mongering! Dorothy? Dorothy, where’s Toto? We have to get home! The
flying monkeys are coming, click your heels together!!!
