A Web of Ridiculousness

I’m sharing my porch with a spider. He’s one of those that spin a web at night and when the sun comes up he’s gone.

I don’t like spiders. I admit they make me scream like a man with his junk caught in a bear trap that’s in a shark’s jaw being sat on by the 600 pound ghost of Haystacks Calhoun.

This spider is spinning his web off my porch roof so it’s up high enough that I can walk by and not get caught in it. The other day though I noticed the web was getting bigger. A few strands of silk were getting close to head height for me so we had to have a talk.

Me: I notice the web is expanding. We talked about this size issue before.

Spider: Sorry but me and the missus just had another brood of kids. I need to catch more food.

Me: How many kids do you have?

Spider: 670 at last count.

Me: They don’t live nearby do they?

Spider: God no! I’d never get any peace if the old lady and the kids were living with me. No, I have them set up across the street in your neighbor’s drainage spout. The rent’s a little high but we need the space.

Me: You pay rent?

Spider: Oh yeah. All the spouting in the area is controlled by the centipede family. Man those things creep me out.

Me: Yeah . . . me too. Anyway, remember our deal. The web stays high enough that I don’t run into any of it and end up dancing around the yard like a loon trying to get it off of me.

Spider: Right, right. I’m trying to only widen it but I had to spin a support beam down farther. There’s still clearance.

Me: It’s close though.

Spider: I’ll watch it. By the way, my wife really likes the way your living room is decorated.

Me: How . . . how would she know . . . ?

Spider: The window! She looked through the window!

Me: Is she in my living room right now?

Spider: No, no!

Me: Ahhhh!

Spider: Margaret! Run!

Oh yeah, that web is coming down soon.