Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I Was Over There, Now I'm Over Here

I went away for a while, but now I’m back.

Please, please, the applause isn’t necessary. I’m glad to return . . . a standing ovation? That’s a bit much. Sit down.

Is that music? You hired a band to play for my return? Wow. I don’t know what to say. Yeah, they’re good, sounds a little like Aerosmith.

My God, champagne? Really, I don’t drink. Ok, to be polite I’ll have one glass.

Who’s that talking? The Mayor of the Internet? I didn’t even know there was such a person. He’s giving a speech about me? I don’t think that’s at all necessary, although, did he just use the word “aplomb”? Nice.

Well, I’m going to  . . . what? A gift? You didn’t have to buy me anything. Yes, the wrapping is lovely. Ok, ok, I’ll open it. It’s a book, great, I love to read. Let’s see “Blogging for Complete Idiots”. Uh . . . thanks, I guess.

This was nice but now I have to . . . what now. A parade? That’s absolutely too much. Good God are those giraffes? Oh no, clowns. You know how I feel about clowns, get them out of here. What are they juggling? Live cobras? Are you insane? Well, yes, I admit they are putting on quite a show and the tall one is striking with his orange/blue Mohawk but, holy shit one of them just got bitten! He dropped the snake, someone stop the band! Tell them to back off, please. Stop the tuba players. Stop! You’re going to run into the clowns, look out. Shit! The snakes are loose! Cobras! Run! Someone help the French horn player, she’s stuck in a bass drum. Two more clowns are down, get the snake handlers!

Oh my God, where did that car come from? It’s running down the woodwinds and . . .  yep, there goes the last of the clowns. Who’s driving that thing? After party entertainment and it’s not just a car, but a time machine? Holy crap it’s a DeLorean. How did you . . . wait, someone is getting out, who is it?

Bill Hicks, Stevie Ray Vaughn and the Hee Haw Honeys.

It’s good to be back.

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