Monday, June 27, 2011

The Iowa Spawning Ground

I’ve spent the last 2 years chronicling the slow descent into madness of Michelle Bachmann. From her proclamation that congress was filled with Commies that needed to be weeded out by the ghost of Joe McCarthy to her fear that President Obama’s call for volunteerism among the nation’s youth was a thinly veiled program to get them into internment camps where they would be brain washed to become tie-dye wearing vegans living off of government assistance and growing pot out of empty buckets of spackling compound, I’ve mined Michelle’s pixilation for laughs all the while wondering how the voters of Minnesota couldn’t notice the twinkle of insanity in her eyes.

Recently Michelle has been threatening to run for president. Of course, as someone who uses her batshit crazy behavior for his benefit I was thrilled. Two years of debates, interviews, speeches and appearances: Michelle will be in the public eye constantly. There’s no telling when her mind will go off the rails and where that train of lunacy will end up. But today, I have to admit, Michelle surprised even me. She didn’t wait for an interview with Chris Matthews or a campaign stump speech. She hit the ground running and made her first gaffe on THE DAY SHE ANNOUNCED HER CANDIDACY. Yes! Michelle Bachmann ladies and gentlemen . . .

Today Michelle made the announcement that she was officially running for president in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa (insert your own Napoleonic reference here). Michelle said:

"Well, what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Who doesn’t admire The Duke? A man who made movies that stood up for traditional American values, a man who beat cancer twice, a man who wasn’t born in Waterloo, Iowa. Yes, Michelle got her facts wrong once again. John Wayne the movie star was born in Winterset, Iowa. John Wayne Gacy was born in Waterloo. John Wayne Gacy, who went on to murder 33 people, hide the bodies under the floorboards of his home and eventually is executed by lethal injection.

So if Michelle has the spirit of John Wayne Gacy behind her campaign I have to assume that she will be murdering the other Republican candidates one by one and stashing the bodies under the rug of her congressional office. I can’t wait until she puts on the clown makeup and twists Mitt Romney’s intestines into the shape of a poodle.

Be proud Iowa. You’ve spawned a serial killer and the craziest woman in congress. I’m not sure which one you should be smacked for more.

I’m hoping in the next few days the other republican candidates take on the anima of their favorite killer. I think it would really enliven a dull process. Tim Pawlenty could become Ted Bundy, Newt Gingrich takes on the persona of Ed Gein while Ron Paul channels Charles Manson. Just think of the debates. While Newt is covering his podium with the skin of Fred Karger, Ron Paul will be carving swastikas into his own cheeks as Tim Pawlenty strangles Herman Cain.

Michelle has struck at the heart of American politics: every man/woman for themselves, hiding the bodies until the authorities catch up to them.

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