An Imaginary Interview with Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich has been in the news lately because for some reason he's declared he's running for president in 2012. The country has responded with a collective yawn. I've taken plenty of shots at Newt and always found it to be great fun so I'm going to fire a few more cannonballs over his bow with this imaginary interview:

CO: If I called you a swollen sack of racist narcissisms, what’s your response?
NG: This bag of ego was once speaker of the house, Bucko
CO: I remember. Dark, dark days for this country. Let’s talk about your Contract with America. Aside from this being a bullshit political stunt, can you point to the provision for leaving our wives to marry our mistresses which . . .
NG: Now look . . .
CO: . . . you’ve done twice
NG: I was absolved of those sins by the church.
CO: You mean a sexually repressed, guilt-riddled priest had you say a few Hail Marys and now you’re as pure as the Colombian coke Steven Tyler snorts for breakfast?
NG: I mean I’ve paid the price for my transgressions.
CO: You’re rich, powerful, have enough influence to run a semi-plausible campaign for president, your current wife’s plastic surgery seems to be holding up . . . what price have you paid?
NG: My political career was deflated. I resigned as SOH . . .
CO: Boo hoo. Let’s talk about why even the republican base isn’t going to vote for you this election.
NG: My exploratory committee showed great support throughout the United States which is why I decided to run. People have responded very positively to my ideas.
CO: Let’s look at those positives: You spoke out against Senator Paul Ryan’s plan for Medicare and republican mascot Rush Limbaugh said he was “befuddled” by your position. In the same time period that a few of your opponents raised nearly $2 million you brought in $53,000 and a man threw glitter on you.
NG: I don’t need money, I have ideas. Rush and I are like sumo wrestlers: we’re both fat and sometimes butt heads but we’re also both revered and who doesn’t love glitter in all its sparkly goodness.
CO: All right, I’m going to give you the glitter, but come on, you need money to run a campaign and everyone knows the republican toadies salivate over every word Limbaugh chokes out between bites of salami and pork butt sandwiches.
NG: I have waited 20 years to run for president! You will not deny me!
CO: You’re right; I won’t, because I’m a democrat. I won’t be voting in the republican primary.
NG: A democrat? Then why am I talking to you?
CO: You’re not. I’m making it all up.
NG: Oh. Well, then I’m going to get on my giraffe and ride home to Neptune.

I will close with a recent quote from Bill Maher about Newt Gingrich: "he's an idiot who has always been wrong about every single thing he has ever talked about."

Amen.