Thursday, April 21, 2011

No You Can’t: My 3 Step Process for Living a Negative Lifestyle

My friend Rob and I were having a discussion the other weekend about self help books, videos and seminars that teach the power of positive thinking and how to train your mind to live this way. I mentioned that I am a natural pessimist and it’s like a full time job for me to think positively. Then it occurred to me that there are dozens of these self help gurus making a lot of coin selling their ideas on living positively so why couldn’t I develop my own course on living the way I understand. Believe me it’s a helluva lot easier and why should I have to lift myself up to the level of others? They should come down to meet me. So here are my first 3 steps on living the perfect negative lifestyle.

1. Getting up in the morning—This is where it all begins people: The first second your eyes pop open in the morning. And there’s the first problem, don’t “pop” your eyes open. Make sure they are pasted shut with that gunk that develops overnight so you have to stumble to the bathroom for a pair of tweezers and an acetylene torch to pry them open. In your myopic state, crawl from under the covers, easing your feet to the floor and repeat after me, “Time to start another day as mayor of Craptown.” The second step is to start coughing. Hack until you bruise your ribs and a little chunk of lung squirts out from under your tongue. Now stand up slowly to get the full symphony of bones cracking. Third, don’t urinate right away. Let your bladder fill up like the neighbor’s pool on the first day of summer and invite a birthday clown over to twist it into the shape of a poodle while telling Vaudevillian jokes and releasing the laughter of a man who spends every minute of his life questioning his career choice. By now you should be hunched over and in tremendous pain. Good Morning!

2. Work—You hate your job, that’s a given. But how can you translate your pain to everyone around you effectively? It starts as soon as you walk in the door. You’re going to have cheerful morning people happily saying hello. Try one of these responses: “Piss off”, “Bite me” or “Tell it to my ass while I’m walkin’ away”. Congratulations, you’ve survived the gauntlet of little Mary Sunshines and made it to your desk. Next, answer all of your incoming emails with either “Too bad so sad”, “A dozen dead bodies under the floorboards of a shithouse don’t smell as bad as this idea”, or “Let me get this straight, you thought I was going to fill out those reports?” By now there should be a toxic cloud around your cubicle that will keep even the most industrious workmate away, leaving you to wallow in the swamp of your unrest. Sink down into the quagmire and feel the soothing, stress-free massage of pure negative energy. If someone does dare approach you, nod to the phone while holding up a finger to your lips, mouthing that you are on a conference call with Amsterdam. By the time they realize your puny company, specializing in novelty butt cheeks and exploding rubber sheep, doesn’t have a division overseas, you will have slipped into the bathroom and started a refreshing nap in stall #3.

3. Free Time—Go straight home from work. Don’t stop for that beer you desperately want. It will taste great thus giving you hope that maybe the universe doesn't hate you. Don’t interact with anyone on the off chance some random person smiles at you or God forbid says “thank you” when you don’t allow the door to shut in their face and your bloodstream suddenly believes happiness is possible. You must avoid the lies of serendipity. Think in “what ifs”: What if all four tires fall off the car and I ride the rims into a warehouse full of Molotov cocktails causing them to explode sending my ’89 Impala into orbit like a rocket so I dock with the International Space Station thinking I’m safe only to find the crew has turned to cannibalism after running out of freeze-dried victuals? Or, what if I walk into my home and trip over my toothpick statue of Happy Days’ Donny Most, hitting my head, and now concussed I stumble into my yard shouting “I’m a bad, bad monkey!” startling a passing bike rider who veers into a sink hole breaking his leg and then he sues me for $5000 and my Ricky Nelson guitar pick collection?

These are just 3 beginning steps to living life with a natural pessimism and negativity. Don’t get sucked into the cult of fake positivity. You can’t do it!

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