Wednesday, January 13, 2010

An Open Letter to the Truck in Front of Me Driving 10 Miles below the Speed Limit

Dear F-150 Truck Driver,

I don’t know what state you learned to drive in but here in Pennsylvania we have things called speed limit signs. These signs are conveniently located at the side of the road every few hundred yards and their purpose is to let you know the maximum speed but also the MINIMUM speed you should travel at to keep someone behind you in a Chevy Cavalier from trying to ram their grill through your tailpipe and questioning your parentage and whether monkeys were involved.

I can understand perhaps going a few mph slower than the posted limit, but 25 in a 35 zone? Really? Dude, I can skip faster than that and I’m not a skipper. It was 3 a.m., roads were empty, no ice or snow on the ground. So what was the problem?

I looked up the specs for your truck and it does come with a gas pedal as standard equipment. Maybe you modified your truck by removing the gas pedal and putting in a second brake. Did you somehow not know what that large “35” meant? Did you think it was an animal crossing so you drove real slowly so if one ran out in front of you, you could snap a picture of the elusive “35”?

When we came to the side-by-side straight lanes on Queen Street and I passed you, did you notice how I accelerated to 35? Ok, I accelerated to 45, but the point is I went AT LEAST 35. Hellfire and damnation did not rain down upon me, I didn’t burst into flames, and I wasn’t transformed into a poly-headed beast named Dan with sulfur-based body odor that is doomed to roam the Earth preaching the ills of driving at the posted speed limit.

It’s ok sir. Your truck has the equipment and I’m sure you have the right leg/ankle/foot combination necessary to depress the pedal. Take a deep breath and Go Speedracer! Go!

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