Everything is Out to Get Me

Kellyanne Conway said over the weekend that former president Obama spied on Donald Trump through a microwave. At first this seemed ridiculous and I scoffed with a hearty “That bitch is crazy.”

But I’m re-thinking my position. I’ve taken a hard look at my own microwave and my suspicions have grown like mold on meat sold out of the back of a pick-up truck.

Why does the light come on while cooking something? Is that a signal to a passing satellite? Is the NSA bugging the photons of light to collect data on how I live? Do they know I dance to Abba in chaps made of Italian cold cuts?

I haven’t used my microwave in days because I no longer trust it. When I open the door I’m sure I hear voices:

“Begin data dump now.”

“Why is he cooking fish sticks in the microwave? They come out chewy this way.”

“Not Dancing Queen again.”

I also realized if they’re tapping my microwave then my can opener can’t be safe either. That whirring sound as the can spins around could contain my bank account information, my H&R Block password or my secret security questions into the Captain Jean-Luc Picard Fan Fiction Club, I-95 corridor chapter.

I’m starting to get really paranoid. The light bulb in the living room lamp is flickering. Is that a signal between the CIA and the DOD? Is NCIS Los Angeles feeding the contents of my medicine cabinet to NCIS New Orleans (note: the fungal cream that was prescribed was a misunderstanding)? Does MLB now know I prefer the NFL and what about my complete disinterest in the NHL and MLS?

This is getting serious. I’m not sleeping, all the lights are off. I was going to cook something in the oven but I’m sure I saw a satellite dish coming out of the propane tank outside. The light in the refrigerator snapped my picture as I reached for a soda and the box of baking soda told me to have water instead.

I think I’ll go talk to the cat for a while and calm down. Wait, did she always have those faint stripes in her fur or are those implants installed by an agent of the shadow government that’s living in my underwear drawer?

The Bane of the GOP

Here is my completely fabricated, and yet still more factual than Fox News, interview with a random member of the GOP.

CO: Tell me about the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: It’s a screed writ by the devil himself. End times prophecy it is, worse than a beast with 3 heads or a female goat who lactates sulphuric acid.

CO: That’s a little much don’t you think?

Random GOP member of congress: No! That document was produced in a dark room by fingerless thugs who printed it with iron nails dipped in raccoon blood on a parchment of stretched whale blubber! It’s evil!

CO: It’s the law.

Random GOP member of congress: Unconstitutional!

CO: Not according to the Supreme Court.

Random GOP member of congress: Damn it!

CO: Honestly, what is so bad about the Affordable Care Act?

Random GOP member of congress: It’s Obamacare.

CO: The name is the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obamacare!

CO: Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obitsacod!
CO: Affordable Care Act.
Random GOP member of congress: Obungeecord!
CO: Affordable Care . . . wait, what?

Random GOP member of congress: Osamabincrap!
CO: Sir, your speaking gibberish.
Random GOP member of congress: I’m confusing you with my GOP mind tricks.
CO: I’m not confused; you’re definitely spouting nonsense instead of answering my question.
Random GOP member of congress: I am not the droid you seek.
CO: Sir, stop it.
Random GOP member of congress: Fine. The “Affordable Care Act”, or, Obamacare, puts too much financial burden on small businesses and forces people to buy insurance they may not be able to afford.
CO: Fair points, so what’s your solution?
Random GOP member of congress: We don’t have one.
CO: So why not try this plan out and see what happens? Neither republican nor democrat actually knows whether this will work. You can’t know until you let it go into effect and work through the problems.
Random GOP member of congress: I can’t get re-elected on thinking like that. Loud foofarawing and fear mongering, that’s how you get elected in the GOP.
CO: Final thought?
Random GOP member of congress: It’s the work of the many-horned beast! Obamacare is worse than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot rolled together in a terrible excrement stew! Repeal! Defund! Treason! 9/11! Buzzwords! Talking points! Complete and utter bullshit!

If You Don't Read This Blog You're as Bad as Hitler

The republicans sure do like to compare people and things to Hitler. You can’t attach Ann Coulter to a bicycle chain and swing her over your head without hitting some republican numnut on a soapbox yelling in their most vehemently fear-mongering voice “blah blah blah is just like Hitler!” To which the crowds of salivating, farting sycophants claps their stubby hands together and chant “As bad as Hitler! As bad as Hitler! We’re as ignorant as Hitler!”

The biggest target of this practice is President Obama, especially when protesting the health care act. Hitler was always trying to force health insurance on the German citizens. All those speeches we see in the film footage? All about health insurance. Premiums, pre-existing conditions, testing, Hitler just went on and on about it. Hmm. I was just looking in this history book and it seems that that’s not what Hitler did. Says here he invaded Poland, Czechoslovakia and France, starting World War II causing the deaths of millions. Huh.

Well there’s always New York republican Chris Collins who in a stump speech when running for governor said that Jewish speaker of the state assembly Shelly Silver was as bad as Hitler and in fact was the 3^rd anti-Christ that Nostradamus predicted before the Apocalypse. His crime of course was making budget deals in private with other leaders. Just like Hitler. All those plans he made with Himmler and Goering and Eichmann to take the Jews from their homes and starve them in concentration camps were done in private. It’s exactly . . . hmm, now that I read it . . . it’s not the same at all. Huh.

Of course just the other day we have West Virginia republican Senate candidate John Raese comparing his having to put a sticker on his building declaring it a “smoke-free environment” to Hitler forcing the Jews to wear the Star of David. He actually said the words “Same thing.”  So to John Raese the fact that he has to let the world know that smoking is prohibited in his building matches up exactly with Jews in Germany having to wear an identification patch so the Nazis would know who to murder when the time came. Mr. Raese has been given several chances to apologize and say “I’m an asshole who should never speak or hold any public office”, but he has held steady to his belief that comparing ANYTHING to a man who murdered 6 million people is okey dokey.

My message to the republican party: Shut the fuck up.

Politics Schmolitics

No matter what question each of the republican candidates are asked, or what subject they are giving a speech on, their thoughts can be crystallized with an interpretive sentence or two. So you don’t actually have to watch and listen to them. No matter what comes out of their mouths, this is what they mean:

Rick Perry—Texas: we elect idiots.

Mitt Romney—I don’t like or agree with the tea party but I will pander to them to get their votes.

Ron Paul—I can’t win but I won’t shut up.

Herman Cain—Yeah, I sold pizza, now I’m running for president. Can you believe this shit?

Michelle Bachmann—I’m paranoid! Who said that?

Newt Gingrich—Yes! I’m still running. How many times do I have to say it?

On to the democrats who are still as spineless as jellyfish. President Obama this week has been giving a series of fiery speeches, being more animated and self-assured as well as smack talking some republicans. Now what could have caused this sudden surge of machismo? Why now, at this particular time, after he’s been president for 2 and ¾ years? Has his wife started giving him Flintstone vitamins? Unlikely. Maybe he’s been drinking 200 year old scotch found in Thomas Jefferson’s basement and he’s hammered when he’s giving these speeches? Possible. Hmm. You don’t suppose . . . no, it couldn’t be. You don’t think he’s like every other politician and he’s just trying to get re-elected? Crap.

Let’s check in with the Tea Party. Yep, still racist narcissists.

Did you know Fred Karger is still running for the republican nomination for president? Me neither. When I found out you could have knocked me over by hitting me with a heavy farm implement.

Tim Pawlenty tried to get a job with Fox News as a political commentator. Yeah, that’s who you want analyzing politics, someone who wasn’t self-aware enough to know no one wanted him to run for president. Someone whose only claim to fame is being so boring, viewers would rather watch an awards show telecast. Someone so dull it’s not worth my time to think of a third joke about him.

This was the week in politics schmolitics.

All the News that's Fit to Bloviate

If you need a good laugh try going to the Drudge Report website and just read the headlines and advertisements. Run by an insipid bag of protoplasm appropriately named Matt Drudge, the Report is a faux news site. I say faux because most of the story links lead to right wing blogs, not legitimate news sites.

Yesterday an ad appeared at the top with a picture of President Obama that said, “BP Oil Spill, Obama’s Fault? Vote Here” Let’s do a checklist:

Does Obama work for BP? NO
Does he work in the oil industry? NO
Was he on the oil rig when the explosion occurred? NO
Did he cause the methane buildup? NO
Was he in charge of safety checks on the rig? NO
Did he cause the hole in the pipeline? NO

Hmmm. Call me Skeptical Pete if you want to, but I’m not seeing how this is Obama’s fault. The ad might as well say, “BP oil spill, The Cookie Monsters Fault? Vote here”.

(A small aside: James Carville, shut the hell up. Skeletor has been on TV all week crying like a baby whose lost his pacifier for Obama to come down to the gulf. Why? What’s he supposed to down there he can’t do in D.C.? Is he supposed to don a wet suit, dive down and seal the hole with his presidential spit? Go to your room James and let the grown ups talk.)

One of the headlines last week led me to an article posted on WorldNet Daily, a right wing burlap sack filled with conspiracy theories, half-truths and outright lies. It was about private investigators supposedly discovering that Obama was using a social security number that would have been issued to a resident of Connecticut. Since Obama never lived in the Nutmeg State, how could this be? There’s only one answer: Obama isn’t a citizen and to stay ahead of Johnny Law he co-opts other people’s SS numbers. I googled this story and oddly enough the only mentions it’s getting are on right wing blogs. Not one legitimate “news” site gave it any ink.

Another story that the Drudge Report had itself in high dudgeon over was the one about the White House offering Joe Sestak a job to drop out of the Pennsylvania senate race. It was again a story on the festering pustule that is WorldNet Daily with the puffy, prevaricating Dick Morris bellowing like a water buffalo that if true this was an impeachable offense for Obama. Man, the republiclods get a chubby at the invoking of the word “impeach” in any of its forms.

Again, I researched the story. Legitimate news sites talked to historians, ethics professors, lawyers and political experts. Their reaction? “So what? Backroom deals happen all the time.” The most interesting nugget I read was that Reagan and Bush did the same thing. Swing and a miss, no impeachment republichowderheads.

So remember, for the best in online comedy, try The Drudge Report. As my 11^th grade English teacher liked to say: It’s funnier than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Rand Paul: Man of the People (If You're White)

Rand Paul, the Tea Party candidate who won the Kentucky republican primary, went on Rachel Maddow’s show last week and said he did not support the 1964 Civil Rights Act in its entirety. He believes it should be ok for business owners to discriminate against serving people they don’t want to serve for whatever reason. He backed up this belief by having his victory celebration at a private, restricted country club. Taking heat for his views, Rand did what any good politician does and blamed someone else by saying, “I never should have gone on with Rachel Maddow.” This brings me to my advice for Rand Paul:

1. Never go on TV with a host who is smarter than you. This will limit you to Access Hollywood and some local morning talk shows but keeping you out of the public eye and your mouth shut is essential.

2. You already have 2 strikes against you. One, you’re a member of the Tea Party whose goals seem to be carrying loaded firearms everywhere they go to make up for their lack of manhood and not having Barack Obama as president. Two, you ran as a republican, a party whose mission statement is “as long as things are good for wealthy, old white guys, the rest of the country can suck it. Oh, and we don’t want Barack Obama as president.”

Now some people would consider your muffin-top hair cut as strike 3 but I’m willing to overlook it. I think you have to be more cautious. Keep your more controversial thoughts to yourself instead of blabbing them to a liberal talk show host 24 hours after winning a primary. Wait until you’re actually in office before you implode.

3. You told President Obama to stop blaming BP for the oil spill. This is an unpopular sentiment so you need to blunt its effects. Go with the old stand-by that your quote was taken out of context and follow with “what I was saying was don’t blame BP for this oil spill, blame them for all oil spills worldwide. Retroactively I feel they are to blame for the Exxon Valdez and any spills that may occur in the future.”

You’ll notice that all of my advice is predicated on the fact that you are a very stupid man and the less you speak the better. When you decide you need to talk try not to sound like a dope and for Pete’s sake, don’t go on with Rachel Maddow anymore. Try the morning chimpanzees on Fox News. I don’t think even you could screw that interview up.

Where Have You Gone, Michelle Bachmann?

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a subject to write a blog entry about, but there was always one person I could count on to be there for me, and that was Michelle Bachmann. I’ve called Michelle different epithets in my blog: whackjob, wingnut, bat-shit crazy; and they all fit like a warm mitten on a cold winter’s day. But there is another term that fits also: muse. When I needed inspiration she would pop up in a news story making an outlandish statement that I could satirize for a few hundred words and mine for a handful of laughs.

Some of my best blogs were written about Michelle’s ridiculous proclamations, but recently she’s been quiet. Sure, she’s made appearances at Tea Party rallies but she’s just regurgitating the same garbage she’s been talking about for months. She’s not breaking out any new material. It’s like watching Jay Leno every night to hear the same Sarah Palin joke.

Where have you gone Michelle? If you’re not going to unleash the crazy, how can I release the satire from its dark, lonely cave? What happened to my Michelle, the woman who called for a Joseph McCarthyesque investigation into which members of congress were un-American? Where is the Michelle who refused to fill out her census form because she was convinced Obama was going to use the data to put people in internment camps? Where’s my Michelle that blamed the swine flu breakout on Obama because he is a democrat and the last swine flu epidemic also came during a democratic administration? That one combined her lunacy with her complete distaste for fact-checking as it turned out the last swine flu outbreak was actually under a republican president. Where has that ignorant, feeble-minded Michelle gone?

I thought you wanted to be known as the most paranoid, narrow-minded Michelle in America and you’re letting Michelle Malkin win the title without a fight. Maybe you have been saying crazy things the last few months and I’m just not hearing them. Maybe you’re saying them on Fox News which I don’t watch. I tried viewing the morning show once but I was laughing hysterically one minute and throwing up in my mouth the next. I couldn’t take the dichotomy. I tried making a game out of it and counting all the lies they told, but a Cray supercomputer couldn’t keep up with them.

My lament is over now. I’ll continue trolling the news sites and blogs, hoping to hear that Michelle has come to her senses and said something inexplicable like the oil spill in the gulf is Obama’s fault because he has always gotten regular oil changes for his car or that she was abducted by aliens and they tried to brainwash her to vote for healthcare reform.

If Mrs. Bachmann decides to stay silent I will have to find a new muse to help me fill my blog space. But it won’t be the same without my Michelle.

Sarah Palin: Going Stupid

Sarah Palin’s autobiography Going Rogue has just been released. What a title, because she’s a maverick, a pioneer, an iconoclast. And why is that? Well let’s face it; normally someone this stupid would try to stay out of the limelight, to not draw attention to their idiocy. But what did Sarah “Rogue” Palin do instead? She ran for governor of Alaska. I won’t cast aspersions on the people of Alaska. When I wonder why they voted for Sarah Palin I have to believe they were under the influence of a mass delusion and they thought they were voting for a valid candidate or perhaps a polar bear. Only when they woke up from their reverie did they realize what they had wrought.

Here’s where our story takes a sharp left turn, a rogue turn, if you will. Sarah’s Circus of Stupidity would have remained in Alaska, a gentle, warming sense of amusement on those below 0 nights if it hadn’t been for John McCain. Or as he became known during the 2008 election campaign, John “Dear God I will do anything if you just let me be president” McCain.

John, in his infinite wisdom, asked Sarah to be his vice president. Most people, who knew their brains weren’t firing on all neurons, would have said no. But you know our Sarah, she’s a dope. I mean rogue. What does she do? She says yes, John, I will be your vice president. I will do interviews in which I say nothing but “you betcha” and “Bill Ayers” over and over again. I’ll say things in a homespun, folksy way meant to endear me to people but instead come off sounding like Granny catching a possum down at the ce-ment pond. I’ll go into a debate so unprepared that somewhere a chimpanzee watching the event will be heard to mutter, “You gotta be kidding me. This is a joke right?”

The gauzy haze of the Bush years was finally lifted and the American people rejected the bumbling please-let-me-win desperation of McCain/Palin and elected Barack Obama president. We thought we had seen and heard the last of Sarah Palin. But instead of staying in the wilds of Alaska and leaving us alone, she quits as governor, writes her memoir and becomes a nuisance by spreading herself all over the TV and newspapers like a stomach virus.

Our long, national nightmare continues . . .

Trent Franks: Doing Absolutely Nothing For You

Representative Trent Franks from Arizona, a staunch anti-abortion advocate, said last week that President Obama was an “enemy to humanity” and had “no place in any station of government.” These statements were made because of Obama’s support of abortion rights. Let’s take a look at what Trent Franks has done for us in 2009:

Unemployment Compensation Act of 2009—extends unemployment 13 more weeks in the hardest hit states. Franks vote: NAY
Student Aid and Fiscal Responsibility Act—Federal government will now issue student loans, keeping interest rates low and saving $87 billion over 10 years. Franks vote: NAY
Food Safety Enhancement Act—updates food safety laws to improve the FDA’s supervision of the nation’s food supply. Franks vote: NAY
American Clean Energy and Security Act—establishes a system to limit emissions of greenhouse gasses. Franks vote: NAY
Mortgage Reform and Anti-Predatory Lending Act of 2009—prohibits mortgage borrowers from certain abusive and predatory lending practices. Franks vote: NAY
Helping Families Save Their Homes Act—allows bankruptcy courts to restructure the debt on home mortgages. Franks vote: NAY
Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility and Disclosure Act—expands consumer protection for people using credit cards. Franks vote: NAY

So, basically, as long as you’re still a fetus Trent Franks has your back. He’s your best buddy, your pal and your benefactor. He’s the Sundance Kid to your Butch Cassidy, the Poncho to your Cisco, the Barney Fife to your Andy Griffith.

But once you’ve taken your first breath, Trent Franks doesn’t give a shit about you. He won’t lift a finger to help you, you bi-pedal, air breathing, non-womb living beings.

You don’t have a job? You should have stayed in your mama’s belly. It’s a hard world if you’re not ready for it, or if you’re not a Congressman. You want to keep your house or have clean air? You wouldn’t have to worry about those things if you’d have stayed unborn. You’re overextended on your credit cards and need help? You know who doesn’t need help with their credit? An embryo, that’s who. Stop whining you fully developed adults. Who told you to grow up?

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.

Beckster and the Bachmanninator

This fall on Fox it’s the new hit comedy Beckster and the Bachmanninator. Watch as a U.S. Congresswoman and a right wing radio/TV host share an apartment, trade paranoid delusions and deal with the liberals across the hall.

In the pilot episode, Michelle gets added to some important lists and Glenn contradicts himself faster than any man in history. Let’s watch:

Theme Song:

It’s Glenn
and his pal Michelle
They’re crazy
but they can’t tell

She calls him Beckster
he calls her the Bachmanninator
They’re paranoid
together!

Opening: Michelle Bachmann sits at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

Michelle: It says here that the National Republican Congressional Committee added me to a list of the most vulnerable incumbents in 2010. I’ve been added to a lot of lists lately. I’m on that waiting list for the new experimental anti-psychotic drug, I’m number one in frequent flier miles on Crazytown Airlines, and I’ve just been added to the advisory board for the support group Making Paranoia Work For You. Oh yes, last night I joined that new Facebook group Republicans Against Fact Checking and of course there are my duties as treasurer for the Joseph McCarthy Fan Club.
Michelle looks at her watch.
I forgot, Glenn is on Fox and Friends this morning. I wonder how it’s going.
Michelle turns on the TV.

Glenn: President Obama has over and over again exposed himself as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.

Fox host Brian Kilmeade: Many people that work in Obama’s administration are white so you can’t say he doesn’t like white people.

Glenn: “I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people.

Music: Mwapp Mwapp Mwapp Mwaaaaaa

Michelle: Oh no, he did it again. That's my Glenn!
Cue laugh track and applause.

Join us next week when Al Franken and Michael Moore move in downstairs and object to Michelle and Glenn constantly blowing their own horns. Goodnight everybody!

The Train for Crazytown is Leaving the Station . . . All Abooooard!

Victoria Jackson, an untalented, unfunny comedienne from some of the “black hole” years of SNL announced today that she’s moving from How-the-Hell-Did-I-End-Up-On-TV-burg to Crazytown. Yes, Victoria has sold her home on Notalent Boulevard and bought a townhouse next to Michelle Bachmann on the corner of Not-Wrapped-Too-Tight Lane and ParanoiaComin’ForYa Avenue. Miss Jackson announced her move into the medicated neighborhood with this unintelligible rant on her website (who gave her a website?). Her words are bolded, my comments are italicized:

You see, evil doesn't just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you'll let it in. It tricks you. [...] Crazy doesn’t just show up. It gussies itself up as a blond woman, goes on TV for a while, hides out in well deserved obscurity and then one day leaps out at you screaming about Hitler and selling her cat’s hairballs as “folk art”.

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. Look out! Socialized medicine has a knife! It’s crazy! Oh my God, now it’s causing cancer by offering affordable prescription drugs! You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, Do you know a lot of people with pencils sticking out of their eye? I must admit to being ignorant of this plague of No. 2’s being stuck into the old optic nerve. My bad. and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude [sic], really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare! Considering we’ve never had socialized medicine in the United States, this seems like speculation on your part. Indulge me my speculation for a moment: your show business career is sort of like a UFO sighting. It came out of nowhere, no one could explain it, we all felt violated by your presence and then it was gone.

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas! I know it’s been a long time since I took Civics class in high school, but I don’t remember the part of the constitution that gives the president the power to kill Nanna, Memaw, Grandma, Granny, Oma, and Grandmama.

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn't like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where's the public debate between scientists on "Climate Change/Global Warming?") I’ve read numerous debates on the subject. Books are published about it on a regular basis. You really ought to pick up a newspaper or magazine occasionally between going off your meds. Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O's nationalized car be? State car? Hell, the car companies will probably be dead within the year. The state car will be our legs because with gas prices rising for no reason we won’t be able to afford to drive anywhere even if we had a car. So... kill off the weak. That's the plan. Tax the workers to death. This old GOP chestnut won’t work anymore whackjob. Obama just passed the largest middle class tax cut in history. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist [sic], socialist, and communist. Evil kings kept all the money they collected Victwittia. Obama has given away around $800 billion to prop up failing businesses to keep millions more from losing their jobs. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do or if it will work, I’m just saying medieval kings and fascist dictators kept all the money for themselves. Now it's called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band. WTF?

James Harrison, Idiot of the Week

There is a tradition in America that the champions of the 4 major professional sports and the National Champions in the college sports get a visit to the white house for their accomplishments to be celebrated. The players and coaches get to have their photos taken with the president and chat with him for a few minutes. I don’t know why we do it, but it’s been going on for as long as I can remember.

This Thursday is the scheduled visit of the NFL’s Pittsburg Steelers who won the Super Bowl in February of this year. One player, James Harrison, has stated he won’t be going to the ceremony because he doesn’t view it as special because, “I feel like that if Arizona (Cardinals) had won, Obama would have invited them to the White House.”

Uh, yeah James, that’s kind of how it works. The WINNING team gets the perk of an invitation to the WHITE HOUSE where the MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD lives and works. What, you wanted Obama to just invite the whole team over some random Saturday for a beer and taco night and watch an NBA playoff game together like you’re all old frat buddies? He’s THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES you dumbass, he’s a little busy.

Here’s James at the doctor’s office:
You took Mr. Schwartz right after me. I feel like if he had been here first you would have taken him before me. I’m finding another doctor.

James at the grocery store:
You waited on this lady right after ringing up my cheetos and hemorrhoid cream. I feel like if she had gotten in line before me you would have rung her up first. I’m not shopping here anymore.

James on his interception return for a touchdown in the Super Bowl:
I feel like if I had been tackled before crossing the goal line they wouldn’t have given me the touchdown. I’m retiring from football.

James Harrison, our idiot of the week!