Everything is Out to Get Me

Kellyanne Conway said over the weekend that former president Obama spied on Donald Trump through a microwave. At first this seemed ridiculous and I scoffed with a hearty “That bitch is crazy.”

But I’m re-thinking my position. I’ve taken a hard look at my own microwave and my suspicions have grown like mold on meat sold out of the back of a pick-up truck.

Why does the light come on while cooking something? Is that a signal to a passing satellite? Is the NSA bugging the photons of light to collect data on how I live? Do they know I dance to Abba in chaps made of Italian cold cuts?

I haven’t used my microwave in days because I no longer trust it. When I open the door I’m sure I hear voices:

“Begin data dump now.”

“Why is he cooking fish sticks in the microwave? They come out chewy this way.”

“Not Dancing Queen again.”

I also realized if they’re tapping my microwave then my can opener can’t be safe either. That whirring sound as the can spins around could contain my bank account information, my H&R Block password or my secret security questions into the Captain Jean-Luc Picard Fan Fiction Club, I-95 corridor chapter.

I’m starting to get really paranoid. The light bulb in the living room lamp is flickering. Is that a signal between the CIA and the DOD? Is NCIS Los Angeles feeding the contents of my medicine cabinet to NCIS New Orleans (note: the fungal cream that was prescribed was a misunderstanding)? Does MLB now know I prefer the NFL and what about my complete disinterest in the NHL and MLS?

This is getting serious. I’m not sleeping, all the lights are off. I was going to cook something in the oven but I’m sure I saw a satellite dish coming out of the propane tank outside. The light in the refrigerator snapped my picture as I reached for a soda and the box of baking soda told me to have water instead.

I think I’ll go talk to the cat for a while and calm down. Wait, did she always have those faint stripes in her fur or are those implants installed by an agent of the shadow government that’s living in my underwear drawer?

The Story of April Fool's Day

April Fool’s Day was invented in 1956 by Maury Swartz, a dentist from Far Rockaway NewYork. Dr. Swartz wrote a letter to President Eisenhower wanting to create a national holiday for miniature horses called Neigh Day. The letter found its way into the hands of the Under Secretary of the Interior Donnelly Flanderhooven.

Believing the letter was a practical joke, Flanderhooven created the required paper work to get Neigh Day declared a federal holiday. His plan was to slip it onto the agenda of the Oversight Committee for American Activities and Fast Food Initiatives to give the senators a good laugh.

The committee gave the document their stamp of approval sending the paperwork on to Congress for a vote. With his joke backfiring Flanderhooven desperately tried to explain to committee chairman Senator Felsley Backgammon that Neigh Day wasn’t real, only his attempt at a joke. Long noted for not having a sense of humor or a gall bladder, Senator Backgammon commented, “By God it’s on its way to being real because my gavel said so.” 

Racing to the House of Representatives to intercept the Neigh Day bill, Flanderhooven ran into the personal assistant of the speaker of the house and was told that they had already voted on the Neigh Day bill and it passed unanimously 435-0. It was already on its way to the senate.

Flanderhooven ran to the Senate floor where he had a stroke, collapsing into the arms of a page while saying the word “Neigh” over and over. Believing that he was there to stump for the passage of the Neigh Day bill, the senate voted unanimously for approval after only a small argument from the honorable Daily Higgenbottom from Maine who suggested moving the date to May 1 and calling it May Hay Day.

With Flanderhooven in the hospital the bill landed on President Eisenhower’s desk. The first thing he did was add a note to the bottom of the bill that read “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.” In the margin he scribbled “Is this what congress does all day?” The next thing he did was rename it April Fool’s Day. The last thing Eisenhower did before lighting up a cigar and pouring a glass of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve bourbon, was sign the bill into law.

That’s the story of April Fool’s Day. Or is it?

The "The Recession is Over but I Still Ain't Got Nothin' " Blues

That stone just keeps on rolling
Bringing me some real bad news
The takers get the honey
Givers sing the blues
Robin Trower—Too Rolling Stoned

Friends trying to find jobs
can’t get nothing
not even an interview
this “recessions” a tough one
I’ve got a job
hell I’ve got 2
gotta have both
to stay out of the screws

Families everywhere
are losing their homes
no money for the mortgage
who has 900 bones?
The banks take them back
they owned them all along
Citibank and Chase
say “we’ve done nothing wrong”

Health insurance costs
are out of control
40 million of us
have no help with the toll
The government plan is
just stay healthy
politicians won’t stop the insurance companies
because their making too much money

We bail the banks out
because they’re too big to fail
but we the people
our lives are for sale
Even after we save them
bonuses worth billions
get paid out
to greedy Wall Street minions

The recession is over
shouts the news
then why am I still broke
and singing the blues?

Why Do Politicians Think We're Stupid?

Do we collectively have “sucker” stamped across our foreheads? Has the stench from VH1s entire broadcasting lineup of fetid dating reality shows seeped into our brains turning them into tapioca? Has our gene pool really been diluted that badly that we now have the mental capacity of tree stumps? If you are answering “no” to all the above questions, then riddle me this:

Why do politicians think we’re stupid?

I saw a story on the Colbert Report about a democratic congressman from Illinois, Luis Guitierrez, who wanted to shut down payday loan companies because they routinely charge between 400-800% interest. Mr. Guitierrez, however, has changed his stance. He has introduced the Payday Reform Act of 2009 which instead of outlawing these businesses would reduce the maximum interest they can charge to 780%.

Yeehaw Marge, its Christmas morning! Now we only have to pay $4400 for that $500 loan instead of $4500! Get out the “real” Spam, we’re eatin’ good tonight!

Why, you may ask, did Mr. Guitierrez change his views? Hmmm. One reason might be that one of the largest contributors to his re-election campaign was QC Holdings, a payday loan company.

This is just the latest in a very long line of politicians who think they can say or do anything and we will remove our brains, rewrite our code of ethics and continue to believe in them (Remember when Clinton said he smoked pot but didn’t inhale? Well then you wasted a perfectly good joint dumbass, you should have passed it to someone else). I guess once in office they figure they have 2 to 6 years to do and say what they want and they can’t be touched, so what the hell.

There are 100 senators and 435 representatives in the United States Government: 535 cogs in the machine. You’d think in a country of 360 million we could find 535 honest people to run things, but the search of Diogenes continues.