Jeff Flake and Susan Collins Go to Dinner

Waiter to Susan Collins: What can I get for you?

Susan Collins: Nothing too spicy, but nothing too bland. Not sure yet.

Waiter to Jeff Flake: Are you ready to order sir?

Jeff Flake: I don’t need a menu, I’ll have the alfredo.

Two women behind Flake begin chanting.

Two women: Jeff Flake he’s the best, he would never order without seeing the rest.

Jeff Flake: Perhaps you’re right. I will look at a menu.

The women begin swaying in unison and singing.

Two women: Jeff Flake we love you, oh yes we do . . .

Jeff Flake, eyes misting: This is such an important decision. I don’t want to be locked in a room and forced into anything. I’d like to bring my wife down to the restaurant and get her input.

Waiter: What?

Susan Collins: Hmmm, such a difficult decision. I’m going to call Chuck Grassley for advice.

Collins gets out her cell phone.

Susan Collins: Chuck?

Chuck Grassley: Can’t talk now Susie Q. Just told a democrat to piss off and it gave me a hard-on. First one since ‘06! Taking advantage and jerkin’ it as we speak.

Susan Collins: Jerkin’ it?

Chuck Grassley: You know what I mean; you’ve been doing it to Maine for years. Ohhhhh Louie CK! Damn that felt good.

Susan Collins: Well, he was no help.

Waiter: I just need a dinner selection . . .

Susan Collins: I need time to study this menu. It’s so voluminous it’s like being assaulted. And this separate list of specials keeps staring at me.

Jeff Flake: My wife is here.

Waiter: Why don’t you just have the salmon? It was Mr. Weinstein’s favorite.

Jeff Flake to his wife: Honey, could you please investigate the dinner choices? Take your time.

Two women: Jeff Flake, he’s our man, he listens to women . . . sort of

Flake’s wife: I’m doing this against my will. I’ll be back in five minutes.

Jeff Flake: That’s fine, but if the beef looks fraudulent in any way, I don’t want it.

Susan Collins to waiter: What do you think?

Waiter: I wish you two weren’t my customers.

Susan Collins: Do they massage, braise, bruise, touch or lick the chicken breast before cooking it?

Waiter: Why would they . . .

Jeff Flake: Oh good. My wife is back.

Two women: Jeff Flake . . . we thought he’d do the right thing

Flake’s wife: Get the Cobb salad.

Jeff Flake: Did you check out the kitchen?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Did you sample any of the food?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Did you speak to the chef?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Good enough for me. Waiter, I’ll have the Cobb salad. I feel drunk with power right now.

Flake’s wife: I feel used. I’m going home.

Two women: Jeff Flake, he was our man, until he let us down . . . again

Waiter: One Cobb salad. And for the lady?

Susan Collins: This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had.

Waiter: It’s dinner.

Susan Collins: The chicken would be the intelligent and respectable choice. But the T-bone steak just keeps yelling at me. It makes me feel dirty.

Waiter: So, the steak then?

Susan Collins: I’m leaning that way but . . .

Mitch McConnell walks by . . .

Mitch McConnell: Get the ghost pepper chili Suze, it’ll put hair on your chest.

Susan Collins: I don’t know.

Susan’s seat is surrounded by Lindsey Graham, Orrin Hatch, John Cornyn and Joe Manchin

Lindsey Graham: Get the chili Susie, it’s good for you.

John Cornyn: Get her a bowel of the chili.

Orrin Hatch: It’s what she wants, and she knows it.

Mitch McConnell:  Even Manchin ordered it and he’s a liberal.

Susan Collins: All right, I’ll take the chili.

Lindsey Graham: That a girl.

Mitch McConnell: Come on boys, let’s get some beer.

The Bane of the GOP

Here is my completely fabricated, and yet still more factual than Fox News, interview with a random member of the GOP.

CO: Tell me about the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: It’s a screed writ by the devil himself. End times prophecy it is, worse than a beast with 3 heads or a female goat who lactates sulphuric acid.

CO: That’s a little much don’t you think?

Random GOP member of congress: No! That document was produced in a dark room by fingerless thugs who printed it with iron nails dipped in raccoon blood on a parchment of stretched whale blubber! It’s evil!

CO: It’s the law.

Random GOP member of congress: Unconstitutional!

CO: Not according to the Supreme Court.

Random GOP member of congress: Damn it!

CO: Honestly, what is so bad about the Affordable Care Act?

Random GOP member of congress: It’s Obamacare.

CO: The name is the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obamacare!

CO: Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obitsacod!
CO: Affordable Care Act.
Random GOP member of congress: Obungeecord!
CO: Affordable Care . . . wait, what?

Random GOP member of congress: Osamabincrap!
CO: Sir, your speaking gibberish.
Random GOP member of congress: I’m confusing you with my GOP mind tricks.
CO: I’m not confused; you’re definitely spouting nonsense instead of answering my question.
Random GOP member of congress: I am not the droid you seek.
CO: Sir, stop it.
Random GOP member of congress: Fine. The “Affordable Care Act”, or, Obamacare, puts too much financial burden on small businesses and forces people to buy insurance they may not be able to afford.
CO: Fair points, so what’s your solution?
Random GOP member of congress: We don’t have one.
CO: So why not try this plan out and see what happens? Neither republican nor democrat actually knows whether this will work. You can’t know until you let it go into effect and work through the problems.
Random GOP member of congress: I can’t get re-elected on thinking like that. Loud foofarawing and fear mongering, that’s how you get elected in the GOP.
CO: Final thought?
Random GOP member of congress: It’s the work of the many-horned beast! Obamacare is worse than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot rolled together in a terrible excrement stew! Repeal! Defund! Treason! 9/11! Buzzwords! Talking points! Complete and utter bullshit!

My My My My My Michelle

Michelle Bachmann has announced that she is serving her last term in congress. She will not seek re-election in 2014. I can only assume it’s because her mother race of aliens will be entering earth’s atmosphere to pick Michelle up and take her back home for debriefing: Her job here as an extraterrestrial spy will be done. It’s time to use the information Michelle has gathered.

The people of Minnesota should be relieved that the hallucinogenic drugs that have laced their drinking water the last 8 years tricking them to continue to vote for Michelle will now be weaned out of the state’s water supply. Also, I believe the Amazing Kreskin will be appearing on local television to do a mass hypnosis event to help bring the populace back to normalcy.

Fellow Republicans should also be relieved that they won’t have to answer questions any longer like “What’s wrong with Michelle Bachmann?”, “What the hell is wrong with Michelle Bachmann?” and “Holy God, what in the shitting hell is wrong with Michelle Bachmann?”

Democrats I’m sure are a little concerned. When questioned about Minnesota politics they will now need more substantive answers than making a cuckoo sound and twirling a finger at the side of their heads.

As for me, I have made fun of Michelle in this blog repeatedly because she is a lunatic. I think I once called her “bat-shit crazy” but even that doesn’t do her psychosis justice. I’ll never forget the day she mixed up the actor John Wayne with serial killer John Wayne Gacey. How I laughed that day: Such a sweet, fulfilling memory. I remember my introduction to Michelle was an interview with Chris Matthews where she tried to channel Joe McCarthy and call for an investigation into congress for representatives that hated America. When the media contacted McCarthy’s ghost he just sighed and lit up a Kent. No, Michelle was no Joe McCarthy.

Michelle is more of a paranoid schizophrenic. When she walks down the street conspiracies, hulking and sweating liberalism, jump out at her from every doorway. She tries to fight them off with her crazy eyes and rambling speeches blaming Democrats for everything from swine flu to teenagers wanting to volunteer. But no matter how fast she runs the mass, always leaning to the left, catches Michelle in its globular arms, bleating in her ear “Obamacare! Obamacare! Obamacare!”

I’m going to miss Michelle.

The Miseducation of Michele Bachmann

Michele, Michele, Michele, what are we going to do with you? I’ve been unkind to you in this blog and unfortunately that will continue as long as you say things like this:

The Hoot-Smalley Act, enacted by FDR, contributed to turning the recession into a depression.

First, it’s the Smoot-Hawley Act
Second, it was written by 2 republicans
Third, it was signed into law by republican president Herbert Hoover

Michele, I have some advice for you, and this comes from the heart:

For the love of our merciful God will you please pick up a history book, text book, encyclopedia, chapbook, magazine, ebook, ezine, pamphlet, tract, broadside, newspaper, booklet, brochure, codex, compendium, dissertation, leaflet, essay, op-ed piece, omnibus, periodical, treatise, manual, monograph, college doctoral thesis, bazooka Joe gum wrapper or log onto Google, Yahoo, Ask Jeeves, Wikipedia, Wiki Answers, Alta Vista, Dogpile, MSN, Netscape, Webcrawler, Icerocket, All The Web, Hotbot or Lycos and educate yourself before you open your mouth again!