Episode 176

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of Cosmic Overdrive. Yes, this is my 176^th post! What a milestone!

(accepts raucous applause)

Thank you, thank you. It’s great to still be here haunting the interwebs. I remember back in the beginning when commenter “grubworm46” said “What the hell is this?” And who can forget “anonymous” and their witty remark “I don’t like this blog” followed by my snappy rejoinder “screw you”. With that inauspicious beginning who knew I would still be here blathering on like a chipmunk on chestnuts infused with crystal meth and guacamole.

176 posts and it could have been so many more if I wasn’t so lazy. As Fleetwood Mac once sang, “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. Oh well.”

Our celebration includes a big party here at Cosmic Overdrive headquarters. All of my favorites have shown up to help me commemorate the moment: Newt Gingrich brought veggie dip made out of sweat and lies I believe; Michelle Bachmann has been hiding behind a rhododendron all night shooting accusing looks at everyone; Mitt Romney came in then left, came back in, left again, came back, left and then we locked the door; Glenn Beck, an old buddy I haven’t heard from in a long time dropped off a boysenberry pie, shed some tears, told me I was a danger to myself and others, accused me of being a communist and the last I saw him he was in the bathroom cutting his hair with an oyster knife and mumbling “Why doesn’t anyone like me, mommy?”

The employees from Office Max stopped by to annoy me and the manager of the local super market tried to sell me wicker furniture that smelled like the freezer section of his store. The ants that plague my life every summer marched in and made off with Glenn Beck’s pie while friends and family members that I’ve mentioned occasionally in the blog presented me with a cease-and-desist letter.

All in all it’s been an amazing night. The bunting is still swaying in the air conditioning, the lunch meat platter has plenty of pastrami, the pickles are bold and saucy and my prepared speech wasn’t booed until the 86th minute when I used the word “festoonery”.

I hope you’ve enjoyed episode #176 of Cosmic Overdrive and will come back for #177. What will it be about, you ask? I have no idea.

Replacing Glenn Beck

I hear Fox News may not renew Glenn Beck’s contract when it’s up at the end of the year. This will leave them sans a conspiracy-theorizing zeppelin-sized gas bag and I thought I would try out for the job. Here is my audition piece:

The unrest in Wisconsin was predicted by me over a year ago because I am privy to information others are not. There are prophecies, arcane messages, whose meanings are given to only a chosen few. I didn’t ask to be one of the vessels through which this information was funneled. Ok, I did ask for it. It’s a burden I sought out and I bear it for you my fellow Americans.

The voices come to me while I’m in my Chamber of Secrets, a sensory deprivation tank constructed of aged oak cut from a tree that grew out of the grave of Edgar Cayce and filled with water blessed by a Zoroastrian priest named Bernie Schwartz whose been reincarnated as the owner of my favorite deli. As I floated placidly, the words bubbled to the surface: The day will pass when in the land of cheese a walking man cuts thousands until they bleed and the demigods flee in terror.

Wisconsin. Let’s look at that name in more detail. Wis-con-sin. I’ll concentrate on the middle part first. CON. This is what the unions are pulling on the republican-led elected government. The con of collective bargaining that is bankrupting this country both morally and financially and its leading to the unrest in the Middle East! Libya would not be in the turmoil it is today if the teacher’s unions had not negotiated 10 sick days! It’s all there people. They see our freedom to stay home and still get paid when we have a sinus infection and they want it for themselves! Don’t be blinded by liberals and socialists or podiatrists and chiropodists who say “we deserve these sick days, we deserve fair wages, we deserve health insurance that will actually say yes to needed procedures.” You deserve what the conservatives say you deserve. You are our sheep and we are the shepherds.

The last part of the name: SIN. It’s a heavy word my friends, but that’s what the people of Wisconsin are doing. The Bible says “Judge not lest ye be judged yourself” and they are judging the good and trustworthy fiscal conservative administration for what they are trying to accomplish. The Bible also says “and God created the heaven and the earth”. It doesn’t say “and God created the ACLU and the pipefitters union local #79.” Citizens of Wisconsin you are Sodomites, you are Philistines, you are vipers in the pit of my stomach trying to keep me from telling the truth . . .

(sobbing) I’m sorry for crying. I just love this country so much and I try to educate my viewers and . . . I’m sorry, I’m ok, let’s continue.

The first part of the name Wisconsin: WIS. . . . . . . . . . . Ok, I don’t know what this means and that itself is dangerous. The name Wisconsin has imperiled this country with its trickery, its sinful ways and the deception of what “wis” means. They have put us all at risk with their . . . wissyness.

People, all I’m asking is that you listen to me and believe every word I’m saying, that’s all. Trust that my psychosis is good for the country. Be afraid. Of everything.

I’m sending this to Fox this weekend. Shoot, I forgot to mention Nazis. I’ll have to go back and add that before I email it. I hope they let me keep Glenn’s blackboard.

Out of Context

The big story in the news right now is Shirley Sherrod, an employee of the USDA and an African American, resigning under pressure after Fox News showed a videotape of a speech she made where she seems to admit to showing prejudice against a white family she was supposed to help when they were about to lose their farm. The one problem is Fox edited the video before showing it. If you viewed it in its original form you find out the incident she’s talking about happened over 20 years ago and the whole reason she was telling the story was to illustrate that she realized her feelings were wrong. She changed her mind and did help the white farmers and not only saved their farm for them, but became life-long friends with the now elderly couple.

I was wondering how Fox News would feel if say, MSNBC, showed video about them, only they edited it first to, oh let’s say LIE to the public. I think it would go something life this:

In an interview night time gas bag Sean Hannity says “I’m a Dickensian scholar. Charles Dickens’ writing has guided my life”, but MSNBC airs Sean saying only “I’m a Dick.”

Prime time bag o’ shit Bill O’Reilly had this story to tell: “I was in Vegas recently. You know I’m not an easy sell, but I was knocked off my ass by an amazing show starring a clown with a monkey. There is no doubt this lends clowns new credibility in the industry.” But this is what MSNBC airs on Countdown: “I’m an ass clown with no credibility.”

Let’s say Glenn Beck was doing one of his unfunny comedy routines where he compares everything he doesn’t like or agree with to the Nazis. Instead of showing his performance as he filmed it, MSNBC put on the screen a still picture of Glenn with his arm in the air and behind him they played the soundtrack to an old Nazi propaganda movie with the crowd repeatedly shouting “Sieg heil!”

What if there was a story about the plethora of blond Stepford wives that read the news throughout the day on Fox and one of them is quoted as saying: “We got our jobs because we made Rupert Murdoch see how hard we work.” What if MSNBC re-edited that and broadcast her quote as “We got our jobs because we made Rupert Murdoch hard.”

While all of these examples would be hilarious, the fact is that doing this would be unethical and an affront to journalism. The problem is that no one at Fox News knows what the words “journalism” or “ethics” mean.

How Many Tweets Could a Tweeter Tweet if a Tweeter Could Tweet Tweets

I’m not on Twitter. I do not tweet. No offense to those that do, it just seems like another way for celebrities and faux-celebrities to spew their diarrhetic thoughts out into the ether and foul up the atmosphere. While trapped inside my home during the second 2 foot plus snow storm in 4 days I did wonder what I would tweet were I to use Twitter. So I imagined myself with an account and what follows are a sampling of what the world is missing with me not being a tweeter or a twit or a twither or whatever:

just got up—life pretty much the same as yesterday

I’m scratching parts of my body I didn’t know could itch

took my morning dump—WTH did I eat last night? can’t breathe—losing consciousness

made it to the shower—water woke me up—feeling much better

tweeting from the shower—soap eye—ct c xbds cfrub

out of shower—eye very red and swollen but ok

just read Ashton Kutcher’s latest tweet—didn’t anyone tell him 70s show cancelled—can stop being moron

where is my cheese log?

found it!

Why are congressman and senators tweeting? Shouldn’t they be, oh I don’t know, creating jobs, fixing healthcare, ending the recession, ending the war, banging their pages, taking kickbacks, etc.

Apparently Glenn Beck tweets. As bloated and pasty as he looks on TV I’ll bet he tweets a lot. Tweets, toots, farts, sharts, shits, shoots, lets

There’s just not enough time in the day to count all my paper clips

Is it unhealthy to think about Kate Beckinsale for more than 2 hours a day?

As you can see the world is better off without me being on twitter. I’ll just keep writing this ridiculous blog doing my part to clog the internet with crap.

Glenn Beck: The Blankety Blank of the Year

Glenn Beck has been named the Media Matters’ 2009 Misinformer of the Year. Here are a few more awards I think Glenn should win:

1. Assclown of the Year
2. Conspiracy Theorist of the Year
3. Cry Baby of the Year
4. Misspeller of the year
5. Sweaty, Bloated, Stage-Prowling Manatee of the Year
6. Finder of Communist Imagery in Background Art at 30 Rockefeller Center that No one Ever Looks at of the Year
7. Crap Flinger of the Year
8. Unfunny Pretend Comedian of the Year
9. Misunderstander of Socialism and Fascism of the Year
10. Blog Fodder of the Year

My Completely Fabricated Interview with Glenn Beck

Cosmic Overdrive presents an entirely made up interview with Fox broadcaster and right wing cry baby Glenn Beck. To get answers to my questions I channeled Mr. Beck, trying to get inside his head and yank the answers out like pulling a string from a dog’s ass. I warn you, don’t try this at home. This should be attempted only by a certified lampooner like me. Without further adieu, the interview:

Cosmic Overdrive: Are you insane?
Glenn Beck: Let’s see I tried being a wacky radio DJ, a stand up comic, and a cocaine addict and except for the coke fiend, I wasn’t good at any of them. Now I pull conspiracies out of thin air, I lie all day every day, I exploit my viewers’ fears and I’m making millions. Does that sound crazy?
Cosmic Overdrive: No, it sounds vile.
Glenn Beck: You didn’t ask if I had morals.
Cosmic Overdrive: Touché. How do you make yourself cry on cue?
Glenn Beck: I pinch my testicles. Works every time. In fact the last time I pinched too hard and thought I may have sterilized myself but I was checked out and the Beckster is still shooting live ammo!
Cosmic Overdrive: More graphic detail than was needed. Do you compete with Rush Limbaugh?
Glenn Beck: Hell no! That guy shovels the food in with a front end loader. I’m a little pudgy but I once saw the Rushman squeeze a Christmas ham right from the can into his mouth.
Cosmic Overdrive: What I meant was do you compete with him for influence over conservatives?
Glenn Beck: No, but I do compete with the voices in my head telling me not to wear pants. I usually win but there are days, like Boxer Tuesdays, where it’s just me and my briefs.
Cosmic Overdrive: This interview’s not going the way I had planned.
Glenn Beck: I think you have a deep-seated hatred of conservative TV hosts.
Cosmic Overdrive: Hatred is a strong word.
Glenn Beck: Well, you don’t hate us.
Cosmic Overdrive: Wait. I’ve heard this exchange before.
Glenn Beck: Let me tell you about grab-my-butt Thursdays . . .
Cosmic Overdrive: Interview over. Thank you for your time.

The Fearmongers!

This Tuesday at 9 it’s a new episode of Fox’s hit drama The Fearmongers! This week’s episode: Dr. Death!

Starring Glenn Beck as The Douchebag:
“Conservatives are awake. 9/12ers are willing to do the hard things. We know what this means! We’re taking time out of our busy lives, taking time away from their families; they’re attending town hall meetings. They are calling their representatives. How many times do we have to be yelled at by your people in Washington? The 9/12ers are willing to stand in line and take our shoes off before the plane actually hits the tower.”

Michele Bachmann as Wingnut Michele:
“I’d love to have everyone join me so we can go up and down through the halls, find members of Congress, look at the whites of their eyes and say, ‘Don’t take away my healthcare.’”

Virginia Foxx as Birdbrain:
“Everywhere I go in my district, people tell me they are frightened. . . . I share that fear, and I believe they should be fearful. And I believe the greatest fear that we all should have to our freedom comes from this room – this very room – and what may happen later this week in terms of a tax increase bill masquerading as a health care bill. I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.”

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the Republican Party:
The health care reform bill is right outside your door! It's wearing a vest of explosives. Don’t let it into your home! Terrorists! Conspiracy! Fear! Listen to us!

And FOX News:
Tune in to tomorrow’s episode . . . whoops, I mean newscast, to hear all about how democrats sweat sulfur from the bowels of hell and republicans’ saliva cures cancer! Fox News, we lie so you don’t have to!

Politics in America: A One Act Play

Cast of Characters:

Joe Miller: 44, used to have a programming job for a mid-sized software company. His job went to China, now he works at Starbucks

Scene: Joe’s kitchen. He enters and turns on a small TV to listen to the news while eating breakfast

CNN Headline News: A bill has been introduced in the House as a way to say thank you to the American people for their support during these trying times. The bill calls for the government to bake a cake for every citizen. It’s called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, bill HR 50766, written and sponsored by several democrats. The bill is 15,612 pages long of which 15,611 pages have nothing to do with cakes, no one has read them and they are meaningless. If you want to read the entire bill you can find it at www.thegovernmentwastingyourtime.gov
The response from the Republicans has been swift.
Rush Limbaugh: This is a blatant attempt to sabotage the health of the American people. I myself have recently lost over 1000 pounds and I don’t want anything to do with this liberal confection.
Mitch McConnell: Why a cake? What if you like pie? I’d prefer to have a nice elderberry pie. The democrats say they want to say ‘thank you’ yet they’re limiting our choices to cake. What if someone wants a cruller or a torte or pudding or Jello? This is just another example of the Democrats limited thinking.
John Boehner: There is a provision in this bill that if you don’t have the paper work filled out by December 31 someone in the government will choose what kind of cake you get. What if they choose a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing and you have a peanut allergy? This amounts to nothing more than a death panel where someone in the government could make a choice for you that could be deadly.
CNN Headline News: We asked the white house for a response.
Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs: This is just another republican lie, a continuous stream of invective to cause fear. There is no provision for a deadline and no one in the government is going to pick your cake for you. In fact you don’t have to participate in the program. If you don’t want a cake, don’t fill out the paperwork.
CNN Headline News: There was a Tea Party protest today in Blacksburg West Virginia. We asked one gentleman what he thought of the bill.
Tea bagger: This bill says that I have to have a government made cake! I don’t want a government cake! If I want a cake I want one made by my grandmamma! What’s happened to our freedoms?
CNN Headline News: Whitehouse spokesman Robert Gibbs had this to say when seeing that footage: “Again, for the 105th time, there is no provision in the bill that forces anyone to take one of the cakes.” Also today, the president addressed the press.
President Obama: We would like to have bi-partisan support for this bill. To that end, we are willing to compromise and possibly add an option for a fruit cup or a side salad.
CNN Headline news: We talked to the head of the ACLU this morning and got this message.
ACLU spokesman: If there’s not going to be a cake then there is no point in the bill. The whole point was to say thank you to the American people. You don’t say thank you with a fruit cup or a salad. You say it with a big chunk of moist cake and sugary icing.
CNN Headline News: Of course the late night comedians had their say last night.
David Letterman: In response to this democratic bill, David Vitters from Louisiana has introduced his own competing bill that calls for hookers and Chevrolets for everyone.
CNN Headline News: Before we take a break, here is a roundup of other comments and reactions.
Nancy Pelosi: Since my leadership is so polarizing and ineffectual, I have no comment.
Michele Bachmann: I’m insane!
Michael Steele: I have to find out from Rush how I feel about this bill. I’ll get back to you.
Harry Reid: My opinion is, hey, where are you going? I have something to say.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, am I in this administration?
Glenn Beck: One word: Conspiracy
Bill Clinton: Would I like a piece of cake? Absolutely. Served on the ass of a 19-year-old co-ed preferably. This is off the record right?

Joe turns off the TV.

Joe Miller: Same shit, different day.

Glenn Beck: The Czar of Conspiracy

Do you remember the movie Conspiracy Theory where Mel Gibson played a mentally unstable man whose life was consumed by paranoid delusions? For Glenn Beck this mediocre film was a watershed moment. It apparently gave his life direction and induced a psychotic break in Glenn’s feeble mind.

Glenn met more dullards like himself and convinced them to give him first a radio show and then a TV show on Headline News. Finally, he got called up to the show: the decepticons of Fox news gave him an hour a night and lots of publicity. Glenn’s mental breakdown has now reached Michele Bachmann-like proportions.

Last week on his show he was deciphering some artwork at 30 Rockefeller Center that he believes contains communist imagery. Now it’s hard to say what Glenn’s point was because after he rambled, spit and stalked his set like a bloated Yeti, he said, “What does this all mean? I don’t know.” So, since Glenn himself isn’t helping us I will speculate that he’s saying he believes John Rockefeller, who commissioned the artwork, was a commie pinko rat who wanted to bring about the downfall of America by subversively hiding communist symbols in plain sight.

One problem with this evil scheme that Glenn fails to recognize as his brain unravels like yarn from a spool: no one looks at this artwork. Case in point, Glenn asks one of his behind-the-scenes people if they had ever seen these images. The man answers he’s worked at 30 Rock for 29 years and had never seen it.

Call me cynical, but it’s hard to warp people’s minds with meaningful symbols if they never look at them. John Rockefeller was smart and savvy enough to amass one of the world’s largest fortunes, but couldn’t come up with a better plan to seduce people to the dark side than cryptic symbology that not even Dan Brown ever noticed?

Clearly, Glenn has gone bye bye. Farewell, Glenn’s sanity, we hardly knew ye.

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.

Quick Hits

Advertisers are pulling their ads from the Glenn Beck Show since he called President Obama a racist. My question is, how do we get Glenn Beck to pull out of the Glenn Beck show?

Michele Bachmann’s son Harrison has joined Teach for America. This is part of Americorp which Michele herself termed a “re-education camp” for young people. Today we’re going to teach Michele a new word. The dictionary defines "irony" as incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.
Repeat after me Michele: Irony. No, not iron. Not Iran. No, not I run away. No, I didn’t say Ernie . . .

The Cosmic Overdrive award for best comeback line goes to Representative Rick Larsen (D-Wash.) who was asked by someone at a town hall meeting "Why are all Americans being forced into a government-run health care and insurance plan?" Larsen answered “With regards to the first comment about being forced to buy health care, I'll say it again... The bill does not force anybody to buy health care ... The bill does not force people to change their health care plan. Now folks will say that's not true, but I've got facts on my side and you've got Glenn Beck on your side.” And brother when you have Glenn Beck on your side you have been screwed worse than Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan.

Lou Dobbs says there are legitimate questions about President Obama’s birth certificate. I think there are legitimate questions as to why Dobbs is on TV and not working as a Walmart greeter.

Actor Jerry O’Connell has entered law school. Great, now he can sue himself because of all the shitty movies he’s made.

Sarah Palin is still an idiot. What, you need more proof than the past 10 months? Okey Dokey. There is a provision in the proposed health care bill for money for end-of-life counseling. The Wasilla Whackjob has interpreted this as the government setting up ‘death panels’. Well Susie, grandma wasn’t feeling well so we drove her out into the country and dropped her off at a farm where she could run free.

Beckster and the Bachmanninator

This fall on Fox it’s the new hit comedy Beckster and the Bachmanninator. Watch as a U.S. Congresswoman and a right wing radio/TV host share an apartment, trade paranoid delusions and deal with the liberals across the hall.

In the pilot episode, Michelle gets added to some important lists and Glenn contradicts himself faster than any man in history. Let’s watch:

Theme Song:

It’s Glenn
and his pal Michelle
They’re crazy
but they can’t tell

She calls him Beckster
he calls her the Bachmanninator
They’re paranoid
together!

Opening: Michelle Bachmann sits at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

Michelle: It says here that the National Republican Congressional Committee added me to a list of the most vulnerable incumbents in 2010. I’ve been added to a lot of lists lately. I’m on that waiting list for the new experimental anti-psychotic drug, I’m number one in frequent flier miles on Crazytown Airlines, and I’ve just been added to the advisory board for the support group Making Paranoia Work For You. Oh yes, last night I joined that new Facebook group Republicans Against Fact Checking and of course there are my duties as treasurer for the Joseph McCarthy Fan Club.
Michelle looks at her watch.
I forgot, Glenn is on Fox and Friends this morning. I wonder how it’s going.
Michelle turns on the TV.

Glenn: President Obama has over and over again exposed himself as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.

Fox host Brian Kilmeade: Many people that work in Obama’s administration are white so you can’t say he doesn’t like white people.

Glenn: “I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people.

Music: Mwapp Mwapp Mwapp Mwaaaaaa

Michelle: Oh no, he did it again. That's my Glenn!
Cue laugh track and applause.

Join us next week when Al Franken and Michael Moore move in downstairs and object to Michelle and Glenn constantly blowing their own horns. Goodnight everybody!

Odds 'n Ends

Liz Cheney

“I very well may run for office”
Who cares? Run for office, take a shit, clip your nails, eat a turnip, who gives a rat’s ass? Just stop talking you narcissistic twit.

Pat Buchanan on “Morning Joe”

“Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think first dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head under water until the thrashing stops.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh Pat, joking about murdering a young man, and everyone on the panel laughs right along. Drowning someone is hilarious! I know whenever my lungs fill up with water I can’t stop guffawing. Oh, one thing Pat, you rake, weren’t you one of those self-righteous gas bags who were outraged when David Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter? Yeah, same old Pat Buchanan: Hypocritical shithead until the bitter end.

Jon and Kate Gosselin

America held hostage Day 72
I still don’t care.

Glenn Beck

Glenn complained of the soft questions tossed at Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor on day 1 of her confirmation hearing. One problem, day 1 has no questions, only opening statements.
It’s analogy time!
Glenn Beck is to insanity
as
incapable of cogent thought is to Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is to Too Many Monkeys in the Monkey House
as
The voices in his head is to In Control

Glenn Beck: The Sad Birthday Clown of the Far Right

He sits in front if his dressing room mirror in solitude, wiping off the grease paint, putting the red rubber nose back in its case. The big floppy shoes don’t come off as easily as they went on. His feet are swollen after hours of standing up against socialism for the salivating moralists of the fringe right.

The clown stares into the mirror and gives himself a hard look, wondering, is this who I really am or just who I’ve become? Do I really believe the outlandish and borderline psychotic things I say? Are my crying jags in front of a television audience real or do I just know how to sell a crowd? Do I really have the common people in the folds of my ridiculously oversized, polka-dotted clown suit?

“I don’t know,” he thinks, “I’ve always just seen myself as an entertainer and a bad one at that. But when I say socialism my slavish minions gnash their teeth and rend their clothing. When I say my ass itches, they offer to scratch it for me.”

The paint is off, his public face now just residue on a towel. He hangs up the suit, placing the giant shoes lovingly underneath so it looks like the outfit still has life. With a wan smile, he gives the lapel flower one quick squirt, splashing water off his face and he laughs with a snort. Cheers him up every time.

Leaving the room, the clown flicks the light off, allowing the darkness to swallow his persona. With the door closed, his mind turns to tomorrow. He has precious few hours to make up facts and create conspiracies for the next performance. There’s always another show and the clown has to be “on” or the kiddies get restless. He doesn’t want them leaving the party to go to Sean, Rush or Bill’s house. It’s all about the frizzy orange hair and the fake moral outrage that keeps it glued on.

Out in the night, where real life is happening, he takes a tentative step. No one notices. No one revels or bleats his name. Haltingly the human being begins his trek home, feeling lost and alone.