Where Have You Gone, Michelle Bachmann?

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a subject to write a blog entry about, but there was always one person I could count on to be there for me, and that was Michelle Bachmann. I’ve called Michelle different epithets in my blog: whackjob, wingnut, bat-shit crazy; and they all fit like a warm mitten on a cold winter’s day. But there is another term that fits also: muse. When I needed inspiration she would pop up in a news story making an outlandish statement that I could satirize for a few hundred words and mine for a handful of laughs.

Some of my best blogs were written about Michelle’s ridiculous proclamations, but recently she’s been quiet. Sure, she’s made appearances at Tea Party rallies but she’s just regurgitating the same garbage she’s been talking about for months. She’s not breaking out any new material. It’s like watching Jay Leno every night to hear the same Sarah Palin joke.

Where have you gone Michelle? If you’re not going to unleash the crazy, how can I release the satire from its dark, lonely cave? What happened to my Michelle, the woman who called for a Joseph McCarthyesque investigation into which members of congress were un-American? Where is the Michelle who refused to fill out her census form because she was convinced Obama was going to use the data to put people in internment camps? Where’s my Michelle that blamed the swine flu breakout on Obama because he is a democrat and the last swine flu epidemic also came during a democratic administration? That one combined her lunacy with her complete distaste for fact-checking as it turned out the last swine flu outbreak was actually under a republican president. Where has that ignorant, feeble-minded Michelle gone?

I thought you wanted to be known as the most paranoid, narrow-minded Michelle in America and you’re letting Michelle Malkin win the title without a fight. Maybe you have been saying crazy things the last few months and I’m just not hearing them. Maybe you’re saying them on Fox News which I don’t watch. I tried viewing the morning show once but I was laughing hysterically one minute and throwing up in my mouth the next. I couldn’t take the dichotomy. I tried making a game out of it and counting all the lies they told, but a Cray supercomputer couldn’t keep up with them.

My lament is over now. I’ll continue trolling the news sites and blogs, hoping to hear that Michelle has come to her senses and said something inexplicable like the oil spill in the gulf is Obama’s fault because he has always gotten regular oil changes for his car or that she was abducted by aliens and they tried to brainwash her to vote for healthcare reform.

If Mrs. Bachmann decides to stay silent I will have to find a new muse to help me fill my blog space. But it won’t be the same without my Michelle.

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.