The Bane of the GOP

Here is my completely fabricated, and yet still more factual than Fox News, interview with a random member of the GOP.

CO: Tell me about the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: It’s a screed writ by the devil himself. End times prophecy it is, worse than a beast with 3 heads or a female goat who lactates sulphuric acid.

CO: That’s a little much don’t you think?

Random GOP member of congress: No! That document was produced in a dark room by fingerless thugs who printed it with iron nails dipped in raccoon blood on a parchment of stretched whale blubber! It’s evil!

CO: It’s the law.

Random GOP member of congress: Unconstitutional!

CO: Not according to the Supreme Court.

Random GOP member of congress: Damn it!

CO: Honestly, what is so bad about the Affordable Care Act?

Random GOP member of congress: It’s Obamacare.

CO: The name is the Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obamacare!

CO: Affordable Care Act.

Random GOP member of congress: Obitsacod!
CO: Affordable Care Act.
Random GOP member of congress: Obungeecord!
CO: Affordable Care . . . wait, what?

Random GOP member of congress: Osamabincrap!
CO: Sir, your speaking gibberish.
Random GOP member of congress: I’m confusing you with my GOP mind tricks.
CO: I’m not confused; you’re definitely spouting nonsense instead of answering my question.
Random GOP member of congress: I am not the droid you seek.
CO: Sir, stop it.
Random GOP member of congress: Fine. The “Affordable Care Act”, or, Obamacare, puts too much financial burden on small businesses and forces people to buy insurance they may not be able to afford.
CO: Fair points, so what’s your solution?
Random GOP member of congress: We don’t have one.
CO: So why not try this plan out and see what happens? Neither republican nor democrat actually knows whether this will work. You can’t know until you let it go into effect and work through the problems.
Random GOP member of congress: I can’t get re-elected on thinking like that. Loud foofarawing and fear mongering, that’s how you get elected in the GOP.
CO: Final thought?
Random GOP member of congress: It’s the work of the many-horned beast! Obamacare is worse than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot rolled together in a terrible excrement stew! Repeal! Defund! Treason! 9/11! Buzzwords! Talking points! Complete and utter bullshit!

The Train for Crazytown is Leaving the Station . . . All Abooooard!

Victoria Jackson, an untalented, unfunny comedienne from some of the “black hole” years of SNL announced today that she’s moving from How-the-Hell-Did-I-End-Up-On-TV-burg to Crazytown. Yes, Victoria has sold her home on Notalent Boulevard and bought a townhouse next to Michelle Bachmann on the corner of Not-Wrapped-Too-Tight Lane and ParanoiaComin’ForYa Avenue. Miss Jackson announced her move into the medicated neighborhood with this unintelligible rant on her website (who gave her a website?). Her words are bolded, my comments are italicized:

You see, evil doesn't just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you'll let it in. It tricks you. [...] Crazy doesn’t just show up. It gussies itself up as a blond woman, goes on TV for a while, hides out in well deserved obscurity and then one day leaps out at you screaming about Hitler and selling her cat’s hairballs as “folk art”.

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. Look out! Socialized medicine has a knife! It’s crazy! Oh my God, now it’s causing cancer by offering affordable prescription drugs! You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, Do you know a lot of people with pencils sticking out of their eye? I must admit to being ignorant of this plague of No. 2’s being stuck into the old optic nerve. My bad. and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude [sic], really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare! Considering we’ve never had socialized medicine in the United States, this seems like speculation on your part. Indulge me my speculation for a moment: your show business career is sort of like a UFO sighting. It came out of nowhere, no one could explain it, we all felt violated by your presence and then it was gone.

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas! I know it’s been a long time since I took Civics class in high school, but I don’t remember the part of the constitution that gives the president the power to kill Nanna, Memaw, Grandma, Granny, Oma, and Grandmama.

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn't like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where's the public debate between scientists on "Climate Change/Global Warming?") I’ve read numerous debates on the subject. Books are published about it on a regular basis. You really ought to pick up a newspaper or magazine occasionally between going off your meds. Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O's nationalized car be? State car? Hell, the car companies will probably be dead within the year. The state car will be our legs because with gas prices rising for no reason we won’t be able to afford to drive anywhere even if we had a car. So... kill off the weak. That's the plan. Tax the workers to death. This old GOP chestnut won’t work anymore whackjob. Obama just passed the largest middle class tax cut in history. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist [sic], socialist, and communist. Evil kings kept all the money they collected Victwittia. Obama has given away around $800 billion to prop up failing businesses to keep millions more from losing their jobs. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do or if it will work, I’m just saying medieval kings and fascist dictators kept all the money for themselves. Now it's called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band. WTF?

The Women of the GOP: Insane in the Membrane

Missouri state Representative Cynthia Davis

In a press release the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services spoke about a summer food program which provides “food during the summer for thousands of low-income Missouri children who rely on the school cafeteria for free or reduced-price meals during the regular school year.” What is Davis’ take on this program?

Churches and other non-profits can do this at no cost to the taxpayer if it is warranted . . . Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can’t they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator.

You know what else is a positive motivator? The sense that someone cares about you, positive role models who show these children that their lives can get better. I also believe children should be allowed to be children as long as possible before we let the world crush them. These Missouri youngsters will have a more enjoyable summer vacation if their bodies aren’t wracked by hunger pangs. Jimmy’s dreams of one day playing baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals will be all the sweeter if his teeth aren’t falling out because of a vitamin C deficiency, while his sister Janey’s paranoid delusions from a lack of vitamin B-12 could be kept to a minimum while she practices backyard gymnastics.

Soon-to-be-Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

10 things we know about Sarah Palin:

1. she’s stupid
2. she’s narcissistic
3. she’s not too bright
4. she loves attention
5. she’s not the smartest moose in the woods
6. Sarah loves her some Sarah
7. she’s living in the governor’s mansion but the lights aren’t on and the door is unlocked
8. she will exploit anyone including her own children if it gains her something
9. man is she stupid
10. she wants to be president of the United States and if the citizens of this country ever elect her to that post we will officially be the country with the dumbest population on Earth

Michelle Bachmann

Michelle Bachmann is paranoid.

How paranoid is she?

Her ideas are even too far out there for Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck! The man who agreed with one of his guests that the only hope to save America is for it to be attacked by terrorists again! The man who openly wishes for the deaths of Americans, backs away from Michelle Bachmann, wipes his hands and says “I’m out.”

Michelle’s latest missive from Bedlam is that she won’t fill out the 2010 census form because she believes that President Obama has nefarious plans for the information collected. Her reasoning? Roosevelt used the census information during World War II to put Japanese citizens into internment camps.

While the government has already admitted its mistake during the war and apologized to the Japanese-Americans who were imprisoned, I believe we must revive this program. We only need one camp, actually just a building, large enough to house Michelle Bachmann. We’ll call it Camp Conspiracy and erect it in Missouri so the low cost school lunch program can feed her and Sarah Palin can stop by occasionally for a photo op and to exploit her family.