Where are All the Billionaire Candidates?

Mike Bloomberg is not running for president.

Let that sink in.

This means we only have Howard Schultz. We only have one fatuous billionaire to not vote for on the Democratic ticket in 2020.

How are we going to get through the election cycle with only one narcissistic, out-of-touch, ignorant, bloviating, pontificating, flatulent, misguided, egocentric, shit-for-brains, fuckwit billionaire to mock and spew our bile at? We’re doomed.

This is the American form of democracy. It all breaks down if billionaires aren’t trying to buy the presidency. I know that the rest of the 73 candidates are likely millionaires. So what? A millionaire compared to a billionaire is like watching the Andy Griffith Show after Don Knotts left or requesting to listen to heavy metal music and they play Bon Jovi. It’s not the same.

We need more clueless, unwanted, nefarious, criminal, uncaring, pettifogging, arrogant, oily, humorless, morally bankrupt assclown billionaires to revile and send home to cry in their bitcoins.

CNN, MSNBC, FOX and other news outlets have hours of airtime to fill with the recitation of stupid ideas, made up stories, false equivalencies and lies wrapped in prevarication. Who better to present this literally unbelievable information than billionaires who haven’t spoken to a regular American since they excoriated the parking valet at their private club for leaving a palm print on their Bugatti.

The Democrats are going to run a thousand different candidates up the flag pole to see which one can flap in the breeze strong enough to defeat Captain Meathead in 2020. More of them need to be billionaires to show us definitively who not to vote for, who can’t run the country, and who needs to hide away in their mansion and shut the hell up.

Jeff Flake and Susan Collins Go to Dinner

Waiter to Susan Collins: What can I get for you?

Susan Collins: Nothing too spicy, but nothing too bland. Not sure yet.

Waiter to Jeff Flake: Are you ready to order sir?

Jeff Flake: I don’t need a menu, I’ll have the alfredo.

Two women behind Flake begin chanting.

Two women: Jeff Flake he’s the best, he would never order without seeing the rest.

Jeff Flake: Perhaps you’re right. I will look at a menu.

The women begin swaying in unison and singing.

Two women: Jeff Flake we love you, oh yes we do . . .

Jeff Flake, eyes misting: This is such an important decision. I don’t want to be locked in a room and forced into anything. I’d like to bring my wife down to the restaurant and get her input.

Waiter: What?

Susan Collins: Hmmm, such a difficult decision. I’m going to call Chuck Grassley for advice.

Collins gets out her cell phone.

Susan Collins: Chuck?

Chuck Grassley: Can’t talk now Susie Q. Just told a democrat to piss off and it gave me a hard-on. First one since ‘06! Taking advantage and jerkin’ it as we speak.

Susan Collins: Jerkin’ it?

Chuck Grassley: You know what I mean; you’ve been doing it to Maine for years. Ohhhhh Louie CK! Damn that felt good.

Susan Collins: Well, he was no help.

Waiter: I just need a dinner selection . . .

Susan Collins: I need time to study this menu. It’s so voluminous it’s like being assaulted. And this separate list of specials keeps staring at me.

Jeff Flake: My wife is here.

Waiter: Why don’t you just have the salmon? It was Mr. Weinstein’s favorite.

Jeff Flake to his wife: Honey, could you please investigate the dinner choices? Take your time.

Two women: Jeff Flake, he’s our man, he listens to women . . . sort of

Flake’s wife: I’m doing this against my will. I’ll be back in five minutes.

Jeff Flake: That’s fine, but if the beef looks fraudulent in any way, I don’t want it.

Susan Collins to waiter: What do you think?

Waiter: I wish you two weren’t my customers.

Susan Collins: Do they massage, braise, bruise, touch or lick the chicken breast before cooking it?

Waiter: Why would they . . .

Jeff Flake: Oh good. My wife is back.

Two women: Jeff Flake . . . we thought he’d do the right thing

Flake’s wife: Get the Cobb salad.

Jeff Flake: Did you check out the kitchen?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Did you sample any of the food?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Did you speak to the chef?

Flake’s wife: No.

Jeff Flake: Good enough for me. Waiter, I’ll have the Cobb salad. I feel drunk with power right now.

Flake’s wife: I feel used. I’m going home.

Two women: Jeff Flake, he was our man, until he let us down . . . again

Waiter: One Cobb salad. And for the lady?

Susan Collins: This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had.

Waiter: It’s dinner.

Susan Collins: The chicken would be the intelligent and respectable choice. But the T-bone steak just keeps yelling at me. It makes me feel dirty.

Waiter: So, the steak then?

Susan Collins: I’m leaning that way but . . .

Mitch McConnell walks by . . .

Mitch McConnell: Get the ghost pepper chili Suze, it’ll put hair on your chest.

Susan Collins: I don’t know.

Susan’s seat is surrounded by Lindsey Graham, Orrin Hatch, John Cornyn and Joe Manchin

Lindsey Graham: Get the chili Susie, it’s good for you.

John Cornyn: Get her a bowel of the chili.

Orrin Hatch: It’s what she wants, and she knows it.

Mitch McConnell:  Even Manchin ordered it and he’s a liberal.

Susan Collins: All right, I’ll take the chili.

Lindsey Graham: That a girl.

Mitch McConnell: Come on boys, let’s get some beer.

Who You Got?

Donald Trump, a cross between a russet potato and a Clementine, seems to be the likely republican candidate for president. Ted “Haters Gonna Hate” Cruz and John “Someone please vote for me” Kasich are still hanging around, even conspiring to form an unholy alliance predicted by Nostradamus.

On the democratic side Hillary Clinton, playing the woman card by being an actual woman, is inching closer to her party’s nomination with big wins in Pennsylvania, Delaware and Maryland last Tuesday. Bernie Sanders and his dream of “Crazy Bernie’s Discount America: everything must go and it’s FREE!” is still alive, but is taking on water like a fishing boat in a storm.

In the middle of all this are the American people: Divided, angry, and disorganized. “Who do we vote for?” we ask ourselves. Should we vote for the most heinous man walking the planet or Donald Trump? John Kasich? Nah, no one’s asking that.

Maybe we should vote for the first female president in American history? How about the first president that sounds like Larry David? (I don’t think the founding fathers saw that one coming)

In November 2016 we will vote for someone. When it’s all over some Americans will be happy, some will be disappointed. Many will shrug their shoulders and mumble into their Fruit Loops. Others will still be watching the USA network marathon of NCIS and will have forgotten to vote.

In January of 2017 a new president will be sworn in. It may be a woman, it may be a man, or it may be whatever Ted Cruz is. One thing is certain: whoever we elect is well and truly fucked.

This is Where We Are

What to make of this election cycle. Casaba melon in a bad toupee Donald Trump is still the Republican front runner.

Reptilian car salesman Ted Cruz is in second, staying just close enough to give people a reason to concoct Machiavellian scenarios to blow up the Republican convention.

John Kasich is also still participating.

On the Democratic side Hillary’s pant suits have gained sentience and are actually campaigning for her in various states. A sky blue ensemble did an interview on CNN the other day. Don Lemon was 45 minutes into it before he realized he was talking to a JC Penney summer special.

Everyone’s grandpa who gives out ribbon candy at Halloween, Bernie Sanders, continues his turns so far left NASCAR drivers won’t follow him. He spouts his goals with belief and vehemence but gives little information on how he’s going to accomplish them.

What does it all mean?

On the Democratic side, Hillary is the insider front-runner with shady dealings in her past, a machine behind her pushing her forward and the only candidate with both domestic and foreign policy experience.

Bernie has ideas that sound wonderful: free college tuition, free healthcare, etc. The only way to pay for it all is tax increases. So Bernie wants to tax the rich, but the rich don’t like to be taxed. That’s how they stay rich. Also many policy experts say his ideas won’t bring in enough revenue to cover his plans.

Backers of both candidates, instead of coming together, are sniping at one another. Bernie supporters are saying if Hillary wins the nomination they won’t vote for her. The American voter: an infant who lost their lolly.

As for the Republicans, Donald Trump is a hateful, bigoted, grand-standing egomaniac whose election to president could destroy the country.

Ted Cruz may be even worse.

Republican voters don’t know what to do. The racist wing of the party is good with Trump and all of his horseshit because it matches their own horseshit world view. The Evangelical wing of the party is leaning to Cruz even though they feel he may be the Devil incarnate. There are indications the convention could be a madhouse.

With all these candidates’ limitations and foibles, with the electorate dissatisfied, disenchanted and drained from a process that is too long, with the primary season in chaos, could John Kasich become president?

No.

Lolla-Presidential Candidate-Palooza

I’m so bored with the election bullshit I decided to cast the candidates as members of a band. Just go with me on this one. The alternative is thinking about Trump as president.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Lolla-presidential candidate-palooza. We have 6 great bands performing for you tonight. Let’s meet them before we start the festivities:

It’s Marco Rubio, new lead singer for En Fuego, a Latino boy band that sings about love, girls and defunding Planned Parenthood.

Please welcome Donald Trump, lead vocals for Build the Wall, a neo-Nazi grindcore band with lyrics like “We’re great! We’re great! Build the Wall! Exterminate!”

And now it’s Ted Cruz playing tambourine and singing back-up for Christian soft-rock combo Aaron, Joseph, Noah and Isaac. They play mainly VFW halls and birthday parties for conservative fringe groups run by millionaire donors.

John Kasich is next playing stand-up bass in a fifties revival group called Johnny Bland and the Forgettables. Their big hit is “I Can’t Quit the Primary”.

Let’s welcome Bernie Sanders to the stage harmonizing hits from the 40s with his cousins Ernie and Fernie. They perform as Mazel Tov!, mostly in kosher delis and at the occasional bris.

Our last performer is Hillary Clinton singing the hits of Nancy Sinatra from her Las Vegas show with her back-up band the Benghazi Four (formerly known as the Whitewater Trio).

Now to open the show please welcome Martin O’Malley, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Lincoln Chaffee, Lindsey Graham, Carly Fiorina and Jim Webb as the Loserville Chorus performing their number 1 hit, “What Were We Thinking?”

Thinning the Herd

We all saw this day coming. The bunting was taken down in the middle of the night before all the votes were counted. The doe-eyed, idealistic, young volunteers were sent on their way with a pat on the head and a handful of Applebee’s coupons. The spouses have been dressed in their finest “it’s over” outfits, the concession suits have been pulled from their suitcases. Yes, as a nation we need to take a deep breath of Iowa air filled with animal fecal matter and accept that we’ve lost 2 more.

Martin O’Malley from the democratic side and Mike Huckabee from the republican side.

Two presidential candidates no one ever gave a damn about have finally heard our mumbles of apathy.

This is Martin’s first run at the presidency so I’m sure it will be tougher on him, that fact that he wasted so much money and time and got through to basically nobody. And only getting 8 out of 1400 votes cast has got to be like Bernie Sanders twisting a pair of pliers on his nut sack.

For Huckabee? Well, he’s an old hand at this. This is presidential campaign number 2 that’s caught on fire like a stack of old rubber tires and burned the night away, leaving behind only the acrid, oily smell of condescension and bigotry.

These men will now be gone from the campaign trail and we will not miss them. We won’t miss Martin’s lack of personality or coherent message. We won’t miss him not having a valid reason for running for president in a season that has a Clinton and grass roots favorite Bernie Sanders as opponents. We won’t miss the twinkle in Mike Huckabee’s eyes that was him saying “Listen to me, I’m smarter than you.” We won’t miss his unwavering support of Josh Duggar who molested his sisters, cheated on his wife and apparently liked having sex so rough even hookers didn’t want his money. Money made from working at the Family Research Council. Mike Huckabee supports that.

Goodbye to two more of the rogue’s gallery of idiots who thought they could be president. We didn’t want you, we don’t need you, we’re not sorry you’re gone.

Who’s next? I’m looking at you Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina and Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum? Are you serious? He’s another nut sack for another day.

The Campaign of Martin O’Malley: Move Along, Nothing to See Here

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley recently held an “event” in Iowa where one person showed up. They chatted for a while and even with one-on-one attention he still couldn’t convince the gentleman to vote for him. I imagine it went something like this:

O’Malley: Hey, thank you for coming out in this bad weather.

Voter: I’m not voting for you.

O’Malley: Uh, ok . . .

Voter: I’m here ‘cause ya got muffins.

O’Malley: Muffins?

Voter: I like muffins. Blueberry.

O’Malley: All right.

Voter: What’s your name again?

O’Malley: Martin O’Malley.

Voter: Could you pass the butter Marty? I like butter on my muffins.

O’Malley: Sure.

Voter: The wife won’t let me have butter.

O’Malley: Here you go.

Voter: You got any marmalade?

O’Malley: Security!

I knew the day that O’Malley announced his candidacy that this is where we would end up. There are only a handful of politicians who are national names and O’Malley isn’t one of them. I haven’t even seen one person who lived in Maryland when he was governor who says they would vote for him. Again I ask, where does the hubris of these men come from? How much money that could have gone to a charitable use has been wasted because of Martin O’Malley’s ego?

I didn’t watch any of the debates but I’ve heard people say O’Malley acquitted himself nicely at times. But at this stage that’s not enough to defeat the comedy team of Hillary and Bernie. Or Bernie and Hillary. The billing seems to change on a daily basis. Martin O’Malley’s not even the opening act. He’s the guy who performs for free on the boardwalk hoping a few voters will throw a dollar in his hat after his treatise on immigration, and then stick around for his gun control closer.

I read that in the last debate a few days ago there was a question that both Bernie and Hillary were allowed to fully answer but before O’Malley could answer NBC cut to a commercial. They forgot he was part of the debate.

Director: Annnnnd . . . go to commercial.

Assistant: What about the other guy’s answer?

Director: What other guy?

Assistant: The tall one on stage behind a podium.

Director: How did he get on stage? Security!

Assistant: I think he’s running . . .

Director: He can run but he can’t hide.

Assistant: Never mind . . .

He’s on a stage and no one can see him. He speaks into a microphone but no one can hear his voice. This is Martin O’Malley’s candidacy.

Run Jim Run

That was a close one people. We almost had this election cycle without him. I know, I know, you’re saying to yourself “How could we have had a presidential election without HIM?” The simple answer is: we couldn’t. This whole enterprise was going to fall like a house of cards eventually.

The announcement was made yesterday and the party has just begun. The bunting is still being hung, cheese platters are being constructed, bands of questionable ability and provenance are tuning guitars, and crisply dressed college-age voters are sharing drinks and salutations.

Jim Gilmore has announced his candidacy for president.

“Who is Jim Gilmore?” you ask.

I have no fucking clue.

But make no mistake he’s the one we’ve been waiting for. The other 21 num-nuts running can’t do the job. Hilary Clinton was first lady and later the secretary of state. Pah! What kind of qualifications are they? Bernie Sanders has been in congress for 24 years. So? Lindsey Graham has been in congress for 20 years. Yeah, and?

Jim Gilmore used to be governor.

Of Virginia.

I’ll now quote from the Book of Republican, 8^th chapter, verses 5 and 6:

5 “And the day will come when he walks the land of strife and discord, and lo he will know he has been called. Called to be “the one”, the candidate to end all candidates, the lambda and the epsilon. 6 And he will heed the call of the stricken sheep and announce his presence with authority.

The celebration has started well and true. Mandy Patinkin is drunkenly singing “Over the Rainbow”. A conga line of elderly women are risking broken hips to dance up and down the street. Socially conscious teenagers are furiously scrolling Wikipedia to learn who this latest old white man is whose running for president. It’s a glorious day here in the United States of America.

Jim Gilmore is here to run the country and stay relevant, and he’s all out of relevance.

First Impressions

With so many candidates running for president I thought it was about time I got a feel for what people thought of this motley crew of skin and plasma. So I pretended to do a series of man-on-the-street interviews. Here are the responses I believe I would have gotten if I had actually done said interviews.

Democratic candidates

Hillary Clinton—“Another Clinton? God help us.”

Joe Biden—“He’s like a thousand years old, no.”

Bernie Sanders—a very small group of people-“Woohoo!” The rest of the country-“I. Don’t. Think. So.”

Martin O’Malley—people who live in Maryland-“Uh, no.” The rest of the country-“Who?”

Republican candidates

Jeb Bush—“Wait, is he related to the other Bush’s? Aw, hell no!”

Ben Carson—“Hmm, he’s a neurosurgeon so he has to be smart. He said what? He compared people who voted for Obama to Nazis and thinks the affordable care act is worse than 9/11? Never mind.”

Ted Cruz—“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

Rand Paul—“We get our bourbon from Kentucky, not our presidents.”

Bobbie Jindal—“You can’t be serious.”

Donald Trump—“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one. Donald Trump running for president. Ha! You got me.”

Chris Christie—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from New Jersey.”

Rick Perry—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Texas.”

Scott Walker—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Wisconsin.”

Mike Huckabee—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Arkansas. No, not that idiot, the Republican one.”

Carly Fiorina— “Worst. CEO. Ever.”

Lindsay Graham—“I’ve heard the name, but I thought it was an actress on a soap opera.”

George Pataki —“I can’t vote for someone whose skin looks like it’s melting off his skull.”

Marco Rubio—“Is this the guy who sang Living la Vida Loca?”

Rick Santorum—“Ewwww.”

Lincoln Chafee—“If I never heard of Martin O’Malley what makes you think I’ve heard of Lakeland Chafing?”

Jim Webb—“This is getting silly.”

Bob Ehrlich—“Really, who are these people?”

Mark Everson—“Now you’re just making names up.”

Jim Gilmore—“This game stopped being fun 10 candidates ago.”

John Kasich —“I’m not playing anymore.”

Pete King—“Seriously, stop it.”

Gold Star Monday

I'm giving out gold stars to some very special people:

All the News That's Fit to Fake

Welcome to the daily news, I'm Brad Fluffymuffin, sitting in for the vacationing Brock Meatthreat who took the place of the retired Harry von Speedlemeister who was given this job after many late night drinks with network president Marilyn Marilyn Shapely. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In Florida today someone was arrested for doing something mind-bogglingly stupid involving meth or bath salts. The perpetrator was probably covered in profane tattoos and likely human excrement. Police expect to make more arrests tomorrow for similar crimes because it's Florida.

Shifting to world news now, in Belgium a satirical magazine called "Hey, Pay Attention to Us, We're Belgian" is being criticized by Hindus for a cartoon of the goddess Durga using her 8 arms to do such things as wash the dishes, change a baby's diaper, make dinner and other traditional women's household roles. The caption of the cartoon has Durga yelling to her husband "I can't get you a beer, I'm busy. What, you think I have 9 arms?" Hindu men are incensed that one of their gods has been caricatured while most Hindu women have not been allowed to read the cartoon.

In political news Mitt Romney has announced he will make another run at the White House. In response the Democrats have chosen a porcelain cup filled with green tea to run against Romney. Early polls show the cup with a 7 percentage point lead.

In the entertainment world the Oscars are coming up. A poll of 45 kittens at a local shelter show wide-spread support for Ratatouille. When told that film is actually 7 years old and not nominated this year, food bowls were overturned in anger and our reporter was hissed out of the room.

The weather tomorrow is scheduled to be ass-biting cold followed the next day by the brass monkey losing its balls.

The focus shifts to sports now where residents of Seattle still haven't come to grips with the Seahawks losing the Super Bowl. People are still walking the streets grabbing their crotches in solidarity with Marshawn Lynch. Others continue to make terrible decisions at work to show support for coach Pete Carroll and his last second bone-headed play call that lost some of us a great deal of money. What were you thinking Carroll? A pass when you have one of the best backs in the league against a weak goal line defense? My 8 year old made the correct play call from our living room! Big Tony is on my ass day and night. I don't have $20,000 Pete. I like the fingers on my left hand and want to keep them . . .

**The broadcast will be right back after this word from our sponsor "Dante's 5th Circle of Hell Gentleman's Club--now with human strippers"**

Ladies and gentlemen, Brad Fluffymuffin has taken a leave of absence to deal with some personal issues and spend more time with his family. I'm Dan Blunderbuss filling in.

Our last story of the night is a video submitted by a viewer from Montana. This beautiful grizzly bear decided their porch was the perfect place for a nap. Delilah Hoodle taped the sleeping giant for nearly twenty minutes before it woke up and mauled her into a bloody pulp. Isn't nature magnificent?

This has been the daily news. Good night.

The Dog Days of Politics

Welcome to the John P. Finkbinder Community Center, tri-county dumping ground and meat processing plant for tonight’s debate between the candidates for dog catcher in this year’s election. On my right we have the democratic candidate Troy Melatonin and on my left the tea party Republican challenger Balthazar Ham. Now let’s go to the moderator for the first question.

The building that the stray dogs are now housed in is inadequate. How do you propose to fix this problem? We’ll start with Mr. Melatonin

TM: Thank you. I am proposing to build a brand new $45 million building where each stray pup will have their own private room, a daily massage and relaxing music will be piped in through an overhead stereo system. To pay for this I am proposing a new tax on rawhide chews and squeak toys.

Mr. Ham?

BH: The current building is fine, all it needs is a coat of paint. The real problem is that these dogs need to start earning their keep. I am proposing a work-release program where during the day the dogs will be driven to local farms, schools and senior centers to help out with menial chores such as pulling wagons, rodent eradication and acting as pack animals carrying groceries and supplies.

One of the county’s big problems is stray dogs reproducing more unwanted pups. What are your plans for spaying and neutering?

TM: As part of the new building we will be constructing a clinic staffed by the best veterinarians we can find. All stray dogs brought to the facility will be spayed or neutered free of charge. To pay for this I am proposing a tax on the air you breathe.

Mr. Ham?

BH: That’s the trouble with this country: everyone is cutting off their balls. Let ‘em be. Let the doggies go at it as God intended. Stop trying to mess with nature.

And one last question: How do you plan to catch the inordinate amount of stray dogs this county seems to have?

TM: I will purchase a fleet of vans equipped with state of the art tracking equipment including GPS, radar and sonar. It will all be tuned to a satellite we will put into orbit from my backyard. Porterhouse steaks will be used as bait. To pay for all of this I am proposing a tax on the marrow in your bones.

And Mr. Ham.

BH: My cousin Mel has a 1995 Ford F-150. I figure once a week we’ll drive around and see what we see. If we find a dog we’ll lure him with beef jerky and put him in the back of the truck.

That’s it everyone, thanks again for coming to the John P. Finkbinder brain injury research institute, flatulence containment area and community senior center for tonight’s debate. Join us on Saturday for the Divorced Mother Anger Management Group’s semi-annual bake sale to raise money for an operation to get Delilah Hoffman’s foot out of her ex’s ass. Good night!

Election Rant

For the love of God get this election over with I can’t watch another political TV ad or listen to another radio ad or receive another email from the Democratic party of York County asking me for money you’re asking me for money you should be giving me money I’m in debt because I was out of work and then had to work two jobs to make ends meet and you’re asking me for money shut up leave me alone and do you believe I’m going to make my decision on who to vote for due to your ads I couldn’t care less you’re all liars anyway none of you tell the truth about anything and it’s no better on the state level ad after ad after ad each contradicting the previous one lie lie lie lie lie lie lie the money you spent on all these ads that no one is paying attention to could have started businesses which then could have hired people putting them back to work it could have stocked soup kitchens and shelters with food clothing blankets anything they needed it could have funded cancer research Parkinson research ALS research there are so many better places that money could have been spent please please please please please end this election

Conventional Wisdom

Welcome to the first annual People Who Don’t Watch the Republican or Democratic Conventions Convention. We have a long list of speakers prepared for day one so let’s get started. Oh, and if you’re peckish, in the back of the VFW hall we have a wide assortment of luncheon meats, Albanian goat’s milk yogurt, durian flavored thumb-print cookies, bitter coffee and watered-down tea.

Now, our first speaker is here to tell us some details of the republican convention which he watched from the comfort of his Loungeman 3000 easy chair while sipping a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Please welcome arc welder Gary Melch.

Gary: Yeah, uh, thank you, thanks. It’s nice to see everyone, all  . . . six of you. Uh, I was supposed to fill you in, on, uh, what happened at the, um, convention there. But you see I didn’t actually watch it like I’d planned. After I settled into my chair there and popped open my beer I couldn’t find the remote so I ended up watching that Honey Boo Boo show. I didn’t know she had sisters and they have weird names too. I think one of them is Snickers and another is called Rutabaga and the oldest I believe is Chickenfoot. Anyway I saw maybe three hours of that. By then I was drunk and the show actually started to make sense . . . a little. At least I could understand what they were saying which was frightening.

Thank you Gary, for nothing. Go get yourself a sandwich. Our next speaker watched, hopefully, the Democratic convention and is going to fill us in. Please welcome local cheese log taste tester, Kitty McFiggins.

Kitty: Hello. I was asked to come here today to speak on the Democratic Convention. As far as I know the president spoke, and probably the vice president and maybe some other people. I’m sure the speeches had to do with things that the Democrats believe in and possibly some bad things were said about republicans.

Kitty, it sounds as if you didn’t watch the convention at all.

Kitty: Well, no. You see I was . . . sort of . . . with Gary . . . at the Red Lobster.

All 3 nights?

Kitty: No, just the first one. The next night we went to the United Methodist Church Social, Barn Dance and Covered Dish Spectacular.

And day 3?

Kitty: I’d rather not say.

Gary: We were in my Uncle Munchy’s camper.

Kitty: Gary . . .

Gary: We were naked.

Kitty: GARY!

Gary: I was out of beer but still had a tallboy, if you know what I mean.

Kitty: Oh, Gary.

All right, all right, Get off the stage, both of you. Well, this has been a tremendous waste of time.

Sort of like the conventions.

Politics in America 2012

Democrats: The sky is blue

Republicans: It’s clearly green and only a communist would call it blue.

Democrats: The republicans don’t know their facts. The sky is blue. All you have to do is look at it to see.

Republicans: We’re not talking about facts. We’re talking ideology. Politically the sky is a conservative green.

Democrats: Grass is green.

Republicans: Outrageous. To call grass green like it’s a foregone conclusion is the most Fascist statement ever made.

Democrats: We would like to waste everyone’s time by presenting a non-binding resolution to the congress that states unequivocally the sky is blue and the grass is green.

Republicans: We are announcing our intentions to further waste people’s time by filibustering this reckless and incendiary piece of fluffery.

Democrats: We have created a new government agency to monitor the colors of things, the Department of Hue Awareness.

Republicans: We will block the assignation of any czar of Hue Awareness with demagoguery and time wasting techniques of historical proportions.

Rush Limbaugh: The democrats’ attacks on the skies over this great nation are the worst kind of dictatorial nonsense. Here we have senators, at one time a respected position in our government, demanding that everyone believe that the sky is blue. Demanding it. Like we don’t have the gift of sight and the blessing of a sound mind to make that determination on our own.

Keith Olbermann: Today Rush Limbaugh, in between wolfing down a dozen bags of powdered mini donuts, spewed out more of his rancid rhetoric, criticizing democratic members of congress for telling the truth and nothing but the truth about the color of the sky. As per usual, Rush is on the wrong side of a battle that is not ideological, but strictly scientific and factual.

Democrats: The republicans love to toss around words they don’t understand like “communist” and “fascist”, but they can’t bring themselves to look at facts because it will prove them wrong.

Republicans: Democrats like to toss around words like “facts” like we’re in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon playing flag football. It is never as simple as looking at “facts”.

CNN: As the partisan debate on the color of the sky heats up the rhetoric from both sides is becoming damaging. Joining us now for a round table discussion are 4 former democratic senators, 4 former republican congressman, 27 various political strategists and tuning in via Skype are the publishers of 4,325 political blogs.

Michelle Bachmann: I don’t know what color the sky actually is, but I do know it’s falling down around us. The democrats and their socialist, communist, fascist ideals are bringing it to its knees.

Fox News: Run! Run! Run! The sky is falling, Death! Destruction! Pestilence! Run for your lives! The world is ending and it’s the liberals fault!

Any Local Newspaper or Online News Site: Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a report today containing definitive proof that the sky is blue.

Democrats: We are calling on the leaders of the republican party to formally apologize for their part in the fabricated controversy about the color of the sky.

Republicans: We don’t believe being vigilant as the watchmen of this country is anything to apologize for.

The American People: SHUT UP! All of you!

Politics Schmolitics

No matter what question each of the republican candidates are asked, or what subject they are giving a speech on, their thoughts can be crystallized with an interpretive sentence or two. So you don’t actually have to watch and listen to them. No matter what comes out of their mouths, this is what they mean:

Rick Perry—Texas: we elect idiots.

Mitt Romney—I don’t like or agree with the tea party but I will pander to them to get their votes.

Ron Paul—I can’t win but I won’t shut up.

Herman Cain—Yeah, I sold pizza, now I’m running for president. Can you believe this shit?

Michelle Bachmann—I’m paranoid! Who said that?

Newt Gingrich—Yes! I’m still running. How many times do I have to say it?

On to the democrats who are still as spineless as jellyfish. President Obama this week has been giving a series of fiery speeches, being more animated and self-assured as well as smack talking some republicans. Now what could have caused this sudden surge of machismo? Why now, at this particular time, after he’s been president for 2 and ¾ years? Has his wife started giving him Flintstone vitamins? Unlikely. Maybe he’s been drinking 200 year old scotch found in Thomas Jefferson’s basement and he’s hammered when he’s giving these speeches? Possible. Hmm. You don’t suppose . . . no, it couldn’t be. You don’t think he’s like every other politician and he’s just trying to get re-elected? Crap.

Let’s check in with the Tea Party. Yep, still racist narcissists.

Did you know Fred Karger is still running for the republican nomination for president? Me neither. When I found out you could have knocked me over by hitting me with a heavy farm implement.

Tim Pawlenty tried to get a job with Fox News as a political commentator. Yeah, that’s who you want analyzing politics, someone who wasn’t self-aware enough to know no one wanted him to run for president. Someone whose only claim to fame is being so boring, viewers would rather watch an awards show telecast. Someone so dull it’s not worth my time to think of a third joke about him.

This was the week in politics schmolitics.