Politics in America 2012

Democrats: The sky is blue

Republicans: It’s clearly green and only a communist would call it blue.

Democrats: The republicans don’t know their facts. The sky is blue. All you have to do is look at it to see.

Republicans: We’re not talking about facts. We’re talking ideology. Politically the sky is a conservative green.

Democrats: Grass is green.

Republicans: Outrageous. To call grass green like it’s a foregone conclusion is the most Fascist statement ever made.

Democrats: We would like to waste everyone’s time by presenting a non-binding resolution to the congress that states unequivocally the sky is blue and the grass is green.

Republicans: We are announcing our intentions to further waste people’s time by filibustering this reckless and incendiary piece of fluffery.

Democrats: We have created a new government agency to monitor the colors of things, the Department of Hue Awareness.

Republicans: We will block the assignation of any czar of Hue Awareness with demagoguery and time wasting techniques of historical proportions.

Rush Limbaugh: The democrats’ attacks on the skies over this great nation are the worst kind of dictatorial nonsense. Here we have senators, at one time a respected position in our government, demanding that everyone believe that the sky is blue. Demanding it. Like we don’t have the gift of sight and the blessing of a sound mind to make that determination on our own.

Keith Olbermann: Today Rush Limbaugh, in between wolfing down a dozen bags of powdered mini donuts, spewed out more of his rancid rhetoric, criticizing democratic members of congress for telling the truth and nothing but the truth about the color of the sky. As per usual, Rush is on the wrong side of a battle that is not ideological, but strictly scientific and factual.

Democrats: The republicans love to toss around words they don’t understand like “communist” and “fascist”, but they can’t bring themselves to look at facts because it will prove them wrong.

Republicans: Democrats like to toss around words like “facts” like we’re in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon playing flag football. It is never as simple as looking at “facts”.

CNN: As the partisan debate on the color of the sky heats up the rhetoric from both sides is becoming damaging. Joining us now for a round table discussion are 4 former democratic senators, 4 former republican congressman, 27 various political strategists and tuning in via Skype are the publishers of 4,325 political blogs.

Michelle Bachmann: I don’t know what color the sky actually is, but I do know it’s falling down around us. The democrats and their socialist, communist, fascist ideals are bringing it to its knees.

Fox News: Run! Run! Run! The sky is falling, Death! Destruction! Pestilence! Run for your lives! The world is ending and it’s the liberals fault!

Any Local Newspaper or Online News Site: Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a report today containing definitive proof that the sky is blue.

Democrats: We are calling on the leaders of the republican party to formally apologize for their part in the fabricated controversy about the color of the sky.

Republicans: We don’t believe being vigilant as the watchmen of this country is anything to apologize for.

The American People: SHUT UP! All of you!

Goodbye Rush

I read a headline recently that Rush Limbaugh said that if Healthcare Reform passes he will leave the country. I believe he later clarified that he would leave only for what he deems better healthcare, but I am choosing to ignore the clarification because I find it funnier to think of him having to leave the country. To that end I have written a short poem for the occasion:

Rush
please, please go,
leave, get out,
end your show.

No one will miss you
No one will care,
you're not special
you're not rare.

America doesn't need you
we'll be better off.
If you really love this country
you'll piss off.

Good riddance,
leave right now.
We'll help you pack,
Bang! Boom! Pow!

You made the statement
now live up to it,
don't be a prick
you racist piece of . . .

Why don't we end this
on a good note:
Good bye
get on the boat

My Completely Fabricated Interview with Glenn Beck

Cosmic Overdrive presents an entirely made up interview with Fox broadcaster and right wing cry baby Glenn Beck. To get answers to my questions I channeled Mr. Beck, trying to get inside his head and yank the answers out like pulling a string from a dog’s ass. I warn you, don’t try this at home. This should be attempted only by a certified lampooner like me. Without further adieu, the interview:

Cosmic Overdrive: Are you insane?
Glenn Beck: Let’s see I tried being a wacky radio DJ, a stand up comic, and a cocaine addict and except for the coke fiend, I wasn’t good at any of them. Now I pull conspiracies out of thin air, I lie all day every day, I exploit my viewers’ fears and I’m making millions. Does that sound crazy?
Cosmic Overdrive: No, it sounds vile.
Glenn Beck: You didn’t ask if I had morals.
Cosmic Overdrive: Touché. How do you make yourself cry on cue?
Glenn Beck: I pinch my testicles. Works every time. In fact the last time I pinched too hard and thought I may have sterilized myself but I was checked out and the Beckster is still shooting live ammo!
Cosmic Overdrive: More graphic detail than was needed. Do you compete with Rush Limbaugh?
Glenn Beck: Hell no! That guy shovels the food in with a front end loader. I’m a little pudgy but I once saw the Rushman squeeze a Christmas ham right from the can into his mouth.
Cosmic Overdrive: What I meant was do you compete with him for influence over conservatives?
Glenn Beck: No, but I do compete with the voices in my head telling me not to wear pants. I usually win but there are days, like Boxer Tuesdays, where it’s just me and my briefs.
Cosmic Overdrive: This interview’s not going the way I had planned.
Glenn Beck: I think you have a deep-seated hatred of conservative TV hosts.
Cosmic Overdrive: Hatred is a strong word.
Glenn Beck: Well, you don’t hate us.
Cosmic Overdrive: Wait. I’ve heard this exchange before.
Glenn Beck: Let me tell you about grab-my-butt Thursdays . . .
Cosmic Overdrive: Interview over. Thank you for your time.

Politics in America: A One Act Play

Cast of Characters:

Joe Miller: 44, used to have a programming job for a mid-sized software company. His job went to China, now he works at Starbucks

Scene: Joe’s kitchen. He enters and turns on a small TV to listen to the news while eating breakfast

CNN Headline News: A bill has been introduced in the House as a way to say thank you to the American people for their support during these trying times. The bill calls for the government to bake a cake for every citizen. It’s called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, bill HR 50766, written and sponsored by several democrats. The bill is 15,612 pages long of which 15,611 pages have nothing to do with cakes, no one has read them and they are meaningless. If you want to read the entire bill you can find it at www.thegovernmentwastingyourtime.gov
The response from the Republicans has been swift.
Rush Limbaugh: This is a blatant attempt to sabotage the health of the American people. I myself have recently lost over 1000 pounds and I don’t want anything to do with this liberal confection.
Mitch McConnell: Why a cake? What if you like pie? I’d prefer to have a nice elderberry pie. The democrats say they want to say ‘thank you’ yet they’re limiting our choices to cake. What if someone wants a cruller or a torte or pudding or Jello? This is just another example of the Democrats limited thinking.
John Boehner: There is a provision in this bill that if you don’t have the paper work filled out by December 31 someone in the government will choose what kind of cake you get. What if they choose a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing and you have a peanut allergy? This amounts to nothing more than a death panel where someone in the government could make a choice for you that could be deadly.
CNN Headline News: We asked the white house for a response.
Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs: This is just another republican lie, a continuous stream of invective to cause fear. There is no provision for a deadline and no one in the government is going to pick your cake for you. In fact you don’t have to participate in the program. If you don’t want a cake, don’t fill out the paperwork.
CNN Headline News: There was a Tea Party protest today in Blacksburg West Virginia. We asked one gentleman what he thought of the bill.
Tea bagger: This bill says that I have to have a government made cake! I don’t want a government cake! If I want a cake I want one made by my grandmamma! What’s happened to our freedoms?
CNN Headline News: Whitehouse spokesman Robert Gibbs had this to say when seeing that footage: “Again, for the 105th time, there is no provision in the bill that forces anyone to take one of the cakes.” Also today, the president addressed the press.
President Obama: We would like to have bi-partisan support for this bill. To that end, we are willing to compromise and possibly add an option for a fruit cup or a side salad.
CNN Headline news: We talked to the head of the ACLU this morning and got this message.
ACLU spokesman: If there’s not going to be a cake then there is no point in the bill. The whole point was to say thank you to the American people. You don’t say thank you with a fruit cup or a salad. You say it with a big chunk of moist cake and sugary icing.
CNN Headline News: Of course the late night comedians had their say last night.
David Letterman: In response to this democratic bill, David Vitters from Louisiana has introduced his own competing bill that calls for hookers and Chevrolets for everyone.
CNN Headline News: Before we take a break, here is a roundup of other comments and reactions.
Nancy Pelosi: Since my leadership is so polarizing and ineffectual, I have no comment.
Michele Bachmann: I’m insane!
Michael Steele: I have to find out from Rush how I feel about this bill. I’ll get back to you.
Harry Reid: My opinion is, hey, where are you going? I have something to say.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, am I in this administration?
Glenn Beck: One word: Conspiracy
Bill Clinton: Would I like a piece of cake? Absolutely. Served on the ass of a 19-year-old co-ed preferably. This is off the record right?

Joe turns off the TV.

Joe Miller: Same shit, different day.

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar