Episode 176

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of Cosmic Overdrive. Yes, this is my 176^th post! What a milestone!

(accepts raucous applause)

Thank you, thank you. It’s great to still be here haunting the interwebs. I remember back in the beginning when commenter “grubworm46” said “What the hell is this?” And who can forget “anonymous” and their witty remark “I don’t like this blog” followed by my snappy rejoinder “screw you”. With that inauspicious beginning who knew I would still be here blathering on like a chipmunk on chestnuts infused with crystal meth and guacamole.

176 posts and it could have been so many more if I wasn’t so lazy. As Fleetwood Mac once sang, “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. Oh well.”

Our celebration includes a big party here at Cosmic Overdrive headquarters. All of my favorites have shown up to help me commemorate the moment: Newt Gingrich brought veggie dip made out of sweat and lies I believe; Michelle Bachmann has been hiding behind a rhododendron all night shooting accusing looks at everyone; Mitt Romney came in then left, came back in, left again, came back, left and then we locked the door; Glenn Beck, an old buddy I haven’t heard from in a long time dropped off a boysenberry pie, shed some tears, told me I was a danger to myself and others, accused me of being a communist and the last I saw him he was in the bathroom cutting his hair with an oyster knife and mumbling “Why doesn’t anyone like me, mommy?”

The employees from Office Max stopped by to annoy me and the manager of the local super market tried to sell me wicker furniture that smelled like the freezer section of his store. The ants that plague my life every summer marched in and made off with Glenn Beck’s pie while friends and family members that I’ve mentioned occasionally in the blog presented me with a cease-and-desist letter.

All in all it’s been an amazing night. The bunting is still swaying in the air conditioning, the lunch meat platter has plenty of pastrami, the pickles are bold and saucy and my prepared speech wasn’t booed until the 86th minute when I used the word “festoonery”.

I hope you’ve enjoyed episode #176 of Cosmic Overdrive and will come back for #177. What will it be about, you ask? I have no idea.

Forest, Meet the Trees

I’m so excited that my muse Michelle Bachmann is back in the news. Apparently there is a bill making its way through congress that would disallow welfare recipients from using their welfare cards in ATMs that are inside casinos or strip clubs. Michelle screamed like an over-caffeinated pixie that this bill will finally stop welfare recipients from receiving government aided lap dances. Yes! Michelle is back!

Don’t get me wrong, I know our welfare system does not work the way it was intended. I know that it’s true that recipients are using the money to gamble at casinos, play the lottery and buy alcohol and cigarettes. For once I actually agree with Michelle on something. Not allowing them to use the cards in casinos and the like is a good and necessary idea.

What amuses me is that my Michelle went right to lap dances. Not cigarettes, not beer, not gambling, she went straight to the strip clubs. Is there a skeleton in Michelle’s closet, perhaps wearing pasties and a g-string? How did you pay for college, Michelle? Was that actually you dancing as Boom Boom LaRue at the Ministry of Flesh?

Did you ever notice that really conservative people talk about sex A LOT? Especially conservative politicians. Rick Santorum can’t stop talking about it. Yeah, when he talks about sex it becomes dank and Draconian, something to be performed when the Sun is in eclipse and wolves are howling outside your door, but man, he just won’t shut up.

The other thing conservatives do concerning sex is lie about it. If you have a conservative politician railing against the homosexual lifestyle with fire and brimstone stump speeches, you can bet the farm he spends his nights watching a Tom Cruise look alike in Top Buns or spending quality time with a staff member named Kyle. If your senator or congressman uses the phrase “family values” more than 23 times in every appearance and always has his wife and 4 adoring children smiling at him in a Stepfordesque pose, you know for a fact he has an apartment on K street where two girls named C’quanda and Ruby Red let him snort lines of coke off their breasts while they recite the bill of rights.

Anyway, I’m thrilled to have Michelle back in the news. The world is more of a multi-colored, musical peyote trip when Michelle speaks her mind and someone in the media records it. Keep fighting the good fight Michelle! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor!

Where Have You Gone, Michelle Bachmann?

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a subject to write a blog entry about, but there was always one person I could count on to be there for me, and that was Michelle Bachmann. I’ve called Michelle different epithets in my blog: whackjob, wingnut, bat-shit crazy; and they all fit like a warm mitten on a cold winter’s day. But there is another term that fits also: muse. When I needed inspiration she would pop up in a news story making an outlandish statement that I could satirize for a few hundred words and mine for a handful of laughs.

Some of my best blogs were written about Michelle’s ridiculous proclamations, but recently she’s been quiet. Sure, she’s made appearances at Tea Party rallies but she’s just regurgitating the same garbage she’s been talking about for months. She’s not breaking out any new material. It’s like watching Jay Leno every night to hear the same Sarah Palin joke.

Where have you gone Michelle? If you’re not going to unleash the crazy, how can I release the satire from its dark, lonely cave? What happened to my Michelle, the woman who called for a Joseph McCarthyesque investigation into which members of congress were un-American? Where is the Michelle who refused to fill out her census form because she was convinced Obama was going to use the data to put people in internment camps? Where’s my Michelle that blamed the swine flu breakout on Obama because he is a democrat and the last swine flu epidemic also came during a democratic administration? That one combined her lunacy with her complete distaste for fact-checking as it turned out the last swine flu outbreak was actually under a republican president. Where has that ignorant, feeble-minded Michelle gone?

I thought you wanted to be known as the most paranoid, narrow-minded Michelle in America and you’re letting Michelle Malkin win the title without a fight. Maybe you have been saying crazy things the last few months and I’m just not hearing them. Maybe you’re saying them on Fox News which I don’t watch. I tried viewing the morning show once but I was laughing hysterically one minute and throwing up in my mouth the next. I couldn’t take the dichotomy. I tried making a game out of it and counting all the lies they told, but a Cray supercomputer couldn’t keep up with them.

My lament is over now. I’ll continue trolling the news sites and blogs, hoping to hear that Michelle has come to her senses and said something inexplicable like the oil spill in the gulf is Obama’s fault because he has always gotten regular oil changes for his car or that she was abducted by aliens and they tried to brainwash her to vote for healthcare reform.

If Mrs. Bachmann decides to stay silent I will have to find a new muse to help me fill my blog space. But it won’t be the same without my Michelle.

The Fearmongers!

This Tuesday at 9 it’s a new episode of Fox’s hit drama The Fearmongers! This week’s episode: Dr. Death!

Starring Glenn Beck as The Douchebag:
“Conservatives are awake. 9/12ers are willing to do the hard things. We know what this means! We’re taking time out of our busy lives, taking time away from their families; they’re attending town hall meetings. They are calling their representatives. How many times do we have to be yelled at by your people in Washington? The 9/12ers are willing to stand in line and take our shoes off before the plane actually hits the tower.”

Michele Bachmann as Wingnut Michele:
“I’d love to have everyone join me so we can go up and down through the halls, find members of Congress, look at the whites of their eyes and say, ‘Don’t take away my healthcare.’”

Virginia Foxx as Birdbrain:
“Everywhere I go in my district, people tell me they are frightened. . . . I share that fear, and I believe they should be fearful. And I believe the greatest fear that we all should have to our freedom comes from this room – this very room – and what may happen later this week in terms of a tax increase bill masquerading as a health care bill. I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.”

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the Republican Party:
The health care reform bill is right outside your door! It's wearing a vest of explosives. Don’t let it into your home! Terrorists! Conspiracy! Fear! Listen to us!

And FOX News:
Tune in to tomorrow’s episode . . . whoops, I mean newscast, to hear all about how democrats sweat sulfur from the bowels of hell and republicans’ saliva cures cancer! Fox News, we lie so you don’t have to!

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.

Beckster and the Bachmanninator

This fall on Fox it’s the new hit comedy Beckster and the Bachmanninator. Watch as a U.S. Congresswoman and a right wing radio/TV host share an apartment, trade paranoid delusions and deal with the liberals across the hall.

In the pilot episode, Michelle gets added to some important lists and Glenn contradicts himself faster than any man in history. Let’s watch:

Theme Song:

It’s Glenn
and his pal Michelle
They’re crazy
but they can’t tell

She calls him Beckster
he calls her the Bachmanninator
They’re paranoid
together!

Opening: Michelle Bachmann sits at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

Michelle: It says here that the National Republican Congressional Committee added me to a list of the most vulnerable incumbents in 2010. I’ve been added to a lot of lists lately. I’m on that waiting list for the new experimental anti-psychotic drug, I’m number one in frequent flier miles on Crazytown Airlines, and I’ve just been added to the advisory board for the support group Making Paranoia Work For You. Oh yes, last night I joined that new Facebook group Republicans Against Fact Checking and of course there are my duties as treasurer for the Joseph McCarthy Fan Club.
Michelle looks at her watch.
I forgot, Glenn is on Fox and Friends this morning. I wonder how it’s going.
Michelle turns on the TV.

Glenn: President Obama has over and over again exposed himself as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.

Fox host Brian Kilmeade: Many people that work in Obama’s administration are white so you can’t say he doesn’t like white people.

Glenn: “I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people.

Music: Mwapp Mwapp Mwapp Mwaaaaaa

Michelle: Oh no, he did it again. That's my Glenn!
Cue laugh track and applause.

Join us next week when Al Franken and Michael Moore move in downstairs and object to Michelle and Glenn constantly blowing their own horns. Goodnight everybody!

The Women of the GOP: Insane in the Membrane

Missouri state Representative Cynthia Davis

In a press release the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services spoke about a summer food program which provides “food during the summer for thousands of low-income Missouri children who rely on the school cafeteria for free or reduced-price meals during the regular school year.” What is Davis’ take on this program?

Churches and other non-profits can do this at no cost to the taxpayer if it is warranted . . . Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can’t they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator.

You know what else is a positive motivator? The sense that someone cares about you, positive role models who show these children that their lives can get better. I also believe children should be allowed to be children as long as possible before we let the world crush them. These Missouri youngsters will have a more enjoyable summer vacation if their bodies aren’t wracked by hunger pangs. Jimmy’s dreams of one day playing baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals will be all the sweeter if his teeth aren’t falling out because of a vitamin C deficiency, while his sister Janey’s paranoid delusions from a lack of vitamin B-12 could be kept to a minimum while she practices backyard gymnastics.

Soon-to-be-Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

10 things we know about Sarah Palin:

1. she’s stupid
2. she’s narcissistic
3. she’s not too bright
4. she loves attention
5. she’s not the smartest moose in the woods
6. Sarah loves her some Sarah
7. she’s living in the governor’s mansion but the lights aren’t on and the door is unlocked
8. she will exploit anyone including her own children if it gains her something
9. man is she stupid
10. she wants to be president of the United States and if the citizens of this country ever elect her to that post we will officially be the country with the dumbest population on Earth

Michelle Bachmann

Michelle Bachmann is paranoid.

How paranoid is she?

Her ideas are even too far out there for Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck! The man who agreed with one of his guests that the only hope to save America is for it to be attacked by terrorists again! The man who openly wishes for the deaths of Americans, backs away from Michelle Bachmann, wipes his hands and says “I’m out.”

Michelle’s latest missive from Bedlam is that she won’t fill out the 2010 census form because she believes that President Obama has nefarious plans for the information collected. Her reasoning? Roosevelt used the census information during World War II to put Japanese citizens into internment camps.

While the government has already admitted its mistake during the war and apologized to the Japanese-Americans who were imprisoned, I believe we must revive this program. We only need one camp, actually just a building, large enough to house Michelle Bachmann. We’ll call it Camp Conspiracy and erect it in Missouri so the low cost school lunch program can feed her and Sarah Palin can stop by occasionally for a photo op and to exploit her family.

She's Baaaack

It was quiet in Normaltown. The sun was just setting and folks had meandered home for the day. But as they shut their doors and the moon peeked over the horizon, something frightening returned to their burg. An auburn-haired dervish of howling, slobbering insanity roared down Main Street shouting “Conspiracy! Factual Inaccuracy! Fear!”

“Run!” the people cried, “Its Michele Bachmann!”

The good citizens of Normaltown quickly locked their doors and windows, pulled the shades and prayed to God for deliverance from “Chicken Little” Bachmann, but it was too late. The crazed congresswoman ran up and down the village streets, arms flailing, pupils dilated and frothing at the mouth.

What was she cackling about this time? It seems a car dealership that was shut down by GM was given a reprieve when the owner solicited the help of his Democratic senator who arranged a meeting with GM. Michele focused on the fact it was a Democratic senator who facilitated the saving of this business and she shrieked:

. . . We now have an imperial presidency where the President has appointed various czars reporting directly to him. And now he is reaching into the confines of private businesses and overnight rendering them virtually worthless—unless, unless they have a special tug, a political tie to a local Democrat Congressman. Is that what we’ve come to?

Of course, Michele doesn’t have time for “the truth” or “reality” or “facts” or “principles”. She has conspiracies to uncover. The aliens will be here for her soon and she has work to do before they reach Earth.

So while she was contacting the mothership she missed the part of the story where the owner of the salvaged car lot has no political ties to the Democrats. The man has never given a dime to a democrat, but has given over $100,000 in the last decade to republicans, including . . . this is the best part . . . wait for it . . . here it comes . . . over $6000 to . . . drum roll please . . . Michele Bachmann!

When the Normaltown residents learned of this they rushed out of their homes pelting Michele with reference books, newspapers, congressional reports and laptops already linked to Google and Yahoo. “We’re thinkers here in Normaltown,” the mayor bellowed while hitting Michele with a biography of Joseph McCarthy. Michele fought back with her patented cries of “Socialism!”, “Socialism!” and even “Socialism!” But it didn’t work.

The townspeople chased her back into the arms of the Minnesota state media who devoured her and regurgitated her back onto the local op-ed pages with titles like “Why Won’t She Shut Up?”, “Bachmann Writes New Dictionary, Only Contains One Word” and “Oddly Familiar Woman Shrieks at Passersby”.

The Miseducation of Michele Bachmann

Michele, Michele, Michele, what are we going to do with you? I’ve been unkind to you in this blog and unfortunately that will continue as long as you say things like this:

The Hoot-Smalley Act, enacted by FDR, contributed to turning the recession into a depression.

First, it’s the Smoot-Hawley Act
Second, it was written by 2 republicans
Third, it was signed into law by republican president Herbert Hoover

Michele, I have some advice for you, and this comes from the heart:

For the love of our merciful God will you please pick up a history book, text book, encyclopedia, chapbook, magazine, ebook, ezine, pamphlet, tract, broadside, newspaper, booklet, brochure, codex, compendium, dissertation, leaflet, essay, op-ed piece, omnibus, periodical, treatise, manual, monograph, college doctoral thesis, bazooka Joe gum wrapper or log onto Google, Yahoo, Ask Jeeves, Wikipedia, Wiki Answers, Alta Vista, Dogpile, MSN, Netscape, Webcrawler, Icerocket, All The Web, Hotbot or Lycos and educate yourself before you open your mouth again!

Michele Bachmann, You're to Blame

Michele “Wingnut” Bachmann has done it again. Yes, someone let her open her mouth one more time. I thought by now the doctors would have adjusted her medication to settle her down, but apparently not.

Michele, in her dubious wisdom, has decided the swine flu outbreak is the fault of the democrats because, according to her, the last outbreak occurred under Jimmy Carter, a democratic president.

Putting aside the fact that’s she’s once again factually wrong (the last outbreak occurred under REPUBLICAN president Gerald Ford), I decided to research Michele’s special brand of pixilated logic and I discovered that SHE is actually responsible for many bad things throughout history:

1. Starting small, I have eczema on my hand. It started 5 or 6 years ago while a republican was president. Michele is a republican therefore Michele Bachmann is to be blamed for my discomfort.
2. The current economic collapse started under a republican president. The Great Depression started under a republican president. Michele is a republican, thus Michele Bachmann started the economic crisis. Thanks a lot Michele!
3. Bachmann is a Germanic name. Germany was one of the hardest hit European countries of the 14th century bubonic plague. So, Michele Bachmann was to blame for the Black Death. Why, Michele, why?
4. Michele Bachmann was born April 6, 1956. If you add up the digits of her date of birth you get 31. The Roman Empire fell in 476. If you add up the digits you get 17. 17 and 31 are both prime numbers meaning, yes, Michele Bachmann caused the fall of the Roman Empire!

I was stunned when I realized the implications of my discovery. Essentially, if you try hard enough, you can prove that Michele Bachmann is to be blamed for every bad thing that has ever happened!

You have been warned.