It's Conservative Pundit Dirty Limerick Time!

I can’t stand the cabal of conservative pundits that pollute the air waves, spewing their bile and flinging their feces around like enraged monkeys. I believe they are contemptuous of their “fans” that have made them rich by listening and watching their programs and buying their insipid books. They simply hit upon a way to get rich. They feed a certain segment of our population ignorant, racist and disingenuous fecal matter and for some reason the people eat it up like mashed potatoes.

I have been laughing my ass off listening to them try to spin the reason their boy Mitt got flattened like new asphalt by a steamroller. I decided the only real way to show my churlish discontent was with . . . dirty limericks:

There once was a blowhard named Limbaugh

Who liked to lick men’s sweaty balls

His tongue became swollen

Even more than his belly and

Now Hannity won’t take his midnight calls

There once was a vile piece of shit named Coulter

Who believed everyone but her falters

She’s an attention whore

and nothing more

quoth the raven fuck the rancid bitch

There once was a man named Hannity

Who babbled nothing but inanity

He’s a weak minded fool

And that’s not being cruel

I think he’s a tranny isn’t he?

There once was a station called Fox news

Who sang the Obama liberal blues

They told only lies

Then screamed weak alibis

Hey Karl Rove, fuck you!

There once was a man named O’Reilley

Who spewed horseshit while smiling

He thought he was great

But was really filled with hate

Right back at ya you skinbag full of bile

I'm Late, I'm Late, to a Very Impor . . . Nah, it's Just Work

I was late to work yesterday because of a minor car accident. A car decided to rear end an SUV right at the intersection of Springwood Road that I wanted to turn left onto. The line of traffic behind them stretched west to the continental shelf in the Atlantic Ocean. There were tug boats pulling cars out into the water to their place in line. A mermaid was selling breakfast kippers to businessmen and a 92’ Dodge was boarded by pirates.

I made the sanity-saving decision to turn right instead. Rush Limbaugh congratulated me on his radio show and my cell phone was immediately robo-called by Michelle Bachmann, Mitt Romney and local candidate for garbage commissioner Earl “Mud Skipper” Delaney.

I had avoided the long line of stationery cars but now had to drive in a wide circle to get back onto Springwood Road about a mile east of the accident. At the first traffic light I was accosted by teenagers waiting for the school bus. A boy with dyed black hair thrust a geometry book through my open window and screamed:

“a ² + b ² = c ²! What does it mean? Is it the meaning of life? Is it a secret code? Help me!”

Luckily I had won 5^th place in a high school talent show with my impersonation of Pythagoras. I was able to calm him down and finish problems 12-15 and show my work. Then a short, angry-looking girl swore at me for being an adult on general principle. Finally the light turned green.

I turned left at the light and was welcomed back by a hearty “Huzzah” from Al Franken, Michael Moore and Alec Baldwin. I had to go up a very steep hill, like driving up the side of the Matterhorn. Halfway up I passed three Sherpas burying a dead hiker. My car engine whined like a Republican asking for tax cuts but made it up the hill.

I came to another traffic light and turned left again receiving a “Well done” from the Huffington Post. I drove about a half mile to the next traffic light and turned left again and received nothing from anyone because that joke has run its course.

I was now on a winding country lane which would lead me to the promised land of Springwood Road. As I drove past a wide open field I glanced over when I saw movement. A hawk the size of a passenger bus was swooping down over the field coming straight for my car. I watched as he rose in the air again and then dove at the hood of my Chevy Cavalier, wrapping his talons around my windshield wipers. Flapping his wings with the authority John Boehner only believes he has, I felt my car being lifted off the ground. I squeezed the lever for the wiper fluid and watched as a stream of the bluish liquid hit the bird in the eyes. He squawked loudly, shaking his head and finally loosened his grip. My car fell to earth twenty feet farther down the road. I accelerated leaving the dazed hawk flying in circles around a weather vane trying to pick a fight.

When I reached the intersection with Springwood Road I turned right receiving a congratulatory email from Fox News. Yes, I went there again. It’s referred to as a “callback”.

I reached work 10 minutes late. After telling my tale to my boss, exactly as I have recounted it for you here, she said she only believed a few words of it. She thought I was exaggerating. Me! I haven’t been so insulted since the ghost of Ernest Hemingway told me I use too many adjectives.

Anyway I had to stay an extra ten minutes to make up the time, but I got the last laugh. I didn’t do a lick of work; instead I played cards with a troll, a spider monkey and a Jimmy Stewart impersonator. Me exaggerate? Please.

My Completely Fabricated Interview with Glenn Beck

Cosmic Overdrive presents an entirely made up interview with Fox broadcaster and right wing cry baby Glenn Beck. To get answers to my questions I channeled Mr. Beck, trying to get inside his head and yank the answers out like pulling a string from a dog’s ass. I warn you, don’t try this at home. This should be attempted only by a certified lampooner like me. Without further adieu, the interview:

Cosmic Overdrive: Are you insane?
Glenn Beck: Let’s see I tried being a wacky radio DJ, a stand up comic, and a cocaine addict and except for the coke fiend, I wasn’t good at any of them. Now I pull conspiracies out of thin air, I lie all day every day, I exploit my viewers’ fears and I’m making millions. Does that sound crazy?
Cosmic Overdrive: No, it sounds vile.
Glenn Beck: You didn’t ask if I had morals.
Cosmic Overdrive: Touché. How do you make yourself cry on cue?
Glenn Beck: I pinch my testicles. Works every time. In fact the last time I pinched too hard and thought I may have sterilized myself but I was checked out and the Beckster is still shooting live ammo!
Cosmic Overdrive: More graphic detail than was needed. Do you compete with Rush Limbaugh?
Glenn Beck: Hell no! That guy shovels the food in with a front end loader. I’m a little pudgy but I once saw the Rushman squeeze a Christmas ham right from the can into his mouth.
Cosmic Overdrive: What I meant was do you compete with him for influence over conservatives?
Glenn Beck: No, but I do compete with the voices in my head telling me not to wear pants. I usually win but there are days, like Boxer Tuesdays, where it’s just me and my briefs.
Cosmic Overdrive: This interview’s not going the way I had planned.
Glenn Beck: I think you have a deep-seated hatred of conservative TV hosts.
Cosmic Overdrive: Hatred is a strong word.
Glenn Beck: Well, you don’t hate us.
Cosmic Overdrive: Wait. I’ve heard this exchange before.
Glenn Beck: Let me tell you about grab-my-butt Thursdays . . .
Cosmic Overdrive: Interview over. Thank you for your time.

Tim Pawlenty's Empty Words

Tim “Good ‘n” Pawlenty, the vanilla, republican apologist governor of Minnesota, said some things about President Obama in an interview with Newsmax.com that I found to be stupefyingly ignorant.

Pawlenty called Obama’s economic policy “corrosive to . . . freedom and liberty”. Excuse me Tim, what about Bush’s economic policies like deregulating Wall Street which led to the collapse of the past year or spending $12 billion a month on the Iraq War, and I believe Bush was still president when the first $700 billion were given to the banks. And how exactly have your freedoms been eroded? You’re still free to say any disingenuous and asinine thing you want. The constitution hasn’t been changed by this administration’s spending policies.

More from Pawlenty: “His solutions are federalization of policy, spending way beyond anything we’ve seen in terms of deficit levels, spending the country into bankruptcy”. When Bush entered office we had a SURPLUS. A surplus, Timwit, is defined as “an amount in excess of what is needed”. When Bush finally, mercifully, left office we had a $600 billion deficit. If you are so worried about debt levels you should have opened your freaking mouth somewhere between 2004 and 2008.

Pawlenty: “History proves that it is weakness, not strength that tempts our enemies. And he is projecting potential weakness, and enemies may see that and their respect may be reduced as a result . . .” How could other countries respect us less than seeing us elect a chimp-brain like Bush TWICE? Opening dialogue and maintaining good relationships with world leaders is not weakness you clod. Do World War I and II ring a bell in your tiny, oxygen starved brain? One country allied with another, fighting a common enemy? Alliances built on trust and common ground, that’s strength.

He won’t shut up: “President Obama has governed in an extremely liberal way, and he hasn’t accomplished many major initiatives, but the few that he has have been almost exclusively partisan.” I agree partially. Obama hasn’t accomplished much so far and I’ve been disappointed in his administration. But for a republican to complain of partisanship is like Bill O’Reilly complaining that Keith Olbermann is a blowhard. Obama said he would listen to new ideas except the republicans don’t have any. They keep handing him the same old dead carp wrapped in newspaper and want to call it caviar. Obama’s smart enough to shove it into the trash disposal and move on.

This interview Pawlenty gave was a lot of empty words wrapped up in his own ambition. Pawlenty has presidential aspirations. God help us if someone this dense gets elected again.

The Comedy of Glenn Beck

MC: And now welcome to our stage from the FOX network, Glenn Beck!
Audience: Yea, woohoo, (whistle) (clap clap clap)
Glenn Beck: Thank you everyone, its great to be here at the Zany Banana Laughing Ha Ha Hut and it’s always a thrill to come back to Boise. It looks like we have a nice fiscally conservative crowd tonight. The other day I was on my TV show telling some lies and I got a phone call from Sean Hannity and he said “Hey, knock it off, that’s my job!”
Audience: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Glenn Beck: How many socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know because I don’t understand what socialism is. I just swing the word around like an uneducated, fear mongering baboon.
Audience: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Heckler: You’re a loser! You’re not funny!
Glenn Beck: Oh look we have a liberal in the crowd. You probably want me to talk about global warming.
Heckler: You’re a douche bag! Bring out Gallagher!
Glenn Beck: Hey pal, come up here and I’ll put my carbon footprint up your ass!
Audience: ha ha ha ha oooh ha ha ha ha
Glenn Beck: I’d better be careful or I’ll end up on Olbermann’s Worst Person in the World.
Audience: Yeah ha ha h a Go for it ha ha ha ha
Glenn Beck: Hey do you guys have hobbies? I have a hobby. I like to spin conspiracy theories. I had this one a few weeks ago where I said that President Obama had a deep-seated hatred of white people but I didn’t think he hated white people.
Audience: oooh ha ha ha ha ahhh ha ha ha ha
Glenn Beck: I know. Think about it. This is the kind of stuff I think about all day. It’s just how my mind works. Another thing I like to do on my show is cry. I like to cry a lot on my show because . . . the reason is . . . that I just . . . (sob) love this country . . . (weep) so much.
Audience: awwwwwww
Glenn Beck: What’s not to love? Where else could a doughy, talentless clod like me make millions speaking for hours on end on subjects I know nothing about? Thank you everybody! I’ll be here all week! Tip your waitresses! Try the veal! Don’t buy into socialized medicine!

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.

The Train for Crazytown is Leaving the Station . . . All Abooooard!

Victoria Jackson, an untalented, unfunny comedienne from some of the “black hole” years of SNL announced today that she’s moving from How-the-Hell-Did-I-End-Up-On-TV-burg to Crazytown. Yes, Victoria has sold her home on Notalent Boulevard and bought a townhouse next to Michelle Bachmann on the corner of Not-Wrapped-Too-Tight Lane and ParanoiaComin’ForYa Avenue. Miss Jackson announced her move into the medicated neighborhood with this unintelligible rant on her website (who gave her a website?). Her words are bolded, my comments are italicized:

You see, evil doesn't just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you'll let it in. It tricks you. [...] Crazy doesn’t just show up. It gussies itself up as a blond woman, goes on TV for a while, hides out in well deserved obscurity and then one day leaps out at you screaming about Hitler and selling her cat’s hairballs as “folk art”.

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. Look out! Socialized medicine has a knife! It’s crazy! Oh my God, now it’s causing cancer by offering affordable prescription drugs! You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, Do you know a lot of people with pencils sticking out of their eye? I must admit to being ignorant of this plague of No. 2’s being stuck into the old optic nerve. My bad. and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude [sic], really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare! Considering we’ve never had socialized medicine in the United States, this seems like speculation on your part. Indulge me my speculation for a moment: your show business career is sort of like a UFO sighting. It came out of nowhere, no one could explain it, we all felt violated by your presence and then it was gone.

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas! I know it’s been a long time since I took Civics class in high school, but I don’t remember the part of the constitution that gives the president the power to kill Nanna, Memaw, Grandma, Granny, Oma, and Grandmama.

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn't like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where's the public debate between scientists on "Climate Change/Global Warming?") I’ve read numerous debates on the subject. Books are published about it on a regular basis. You really ought to pick up a newspaper or magazine occasionally between going off your meds. Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O's nationalized car be? State car? Hell, the car companies will probably be dead within the year. The state car will be our legs because with gas prices rising for no reason we won’t be able to afford to drive anywhere even if we had a car. So... kill off the weak. That's the plan. Tax the workers to death. This old GOP chestnut won’t work anymore whackjob. Obama just passed the largest middle class tax cut in history. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist [sic], socialist, and communist. Evil kings kept all the money they collected Victwittia. Obama has given away around $800 billion to prop up failing businesses to keep millions more from losing their jobs. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do or if it will work, I’m just saying medieval kings and fascist dictators kept all the money for themselves. Now it's called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band. WTF?

Glenn Beck: The Sad Birthday Clown of the Far Right

He sits in front if his dressing room mirror in solitude, wiping off the grease paint, putting the red rubber nose back in its case. The big floppy shoes don’t come off as easily as they went on. His feet are swollen after hours of standing up against socialism for the salivating moralists of the fringe right.

The clown stares into the mirror and gives himself a hard look, wondering, is this who I really am or just who I’ve become? Do I really believe the outlandish and borderline psychotic things I say? Are my crying jags in front of a television audience real or do I just know how to sell a crowd? Do I really have the common people in the folds of my ridiculously oversized, polka-dotted clown suit?

“I don’t know,” he thinks, “I’ve always just seen myself as an entertainer and a bad one at that. But when I say socialism my slavish minions gnash their teeth and rend their clothing. When I say my ass itches, they offer to scratch it for me.”

The paint is off, his public face now just residue on a towel. He hangs up the suit, placing the giant shoes lovingly underneath so it looks like the outfit still has life. With a wan smile, he gives the lapel flower one quick squirt, splashing water off his face and he laughs with a snort. Cheers him up every time.

Leaving the room, the clown flicks the light off, allowing the darkness to swallow his persona. With the door closed, his mind turns to tomorrow. He has precious few hours to make up facts and create conspiracies for the next performance. There’s always another show and the clown has to be “on” or the kiddies get restless. He doesn’t want them leaving the party to go to Sean, Rush or Bill’s house. It’s all about the frizzy orange hair and the fake moral outrage that keeps it glued on.

Out in the night, where real life is happening, he takes a tentative step. No one notices. No one revels or bleats his name. Haltingly the human being begins his trek home, feeling lost and alone.