And the Voters Yawned

Soooo . . . Mitt Romney. We always knew it would be you. Right from the start all signs pointed to the Rombot with money to burn. Newt tried to make his case but we saw through him. Hell you can’t see AROUND him. Ba-dum-bum! Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

But seriously, the challengers tried their best to stop the Rombot that we affectionately call Mittens. Rick Santorum got some votes while his mouth was still closed. Then he opened it, again and again and again. And weirdly . . . people still voted for him. But in the end more punched their ballots for the clan O’Romney, with his wife by his side in her $1000 shirts, surrounded by their 6, 7, 8, 16 kids, whatever the true number is. They crowded around to try and make him look human.

In the end, the republican primary was about one thing: the people the republican voters wanted to run didn’t and the people they didn’t want to run did. Voter turnout in some states was as low as 5% because . . . no one cared. They looked at their choices and decided they’d rather stay home and watch an NCIS re-run while eating a bag of corn chips.

Now it’s Mitt time. Can you feel the excitement? Do you have general election fever? Do you have November 6 circled on the calendar? Have you been watching CSPAN non-stop? Are you hanging on every word out of David Gregory’s mouth on Meet the Press each week?

Election Fever! Catch it!

Episode 176

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of Cosmic Overdrive. Yes, this is my 176^th post! What a milestone!

(accepts raucous applause)

Thank you, thank you. It’s great to still be here haunting the interwebs. I remember back in the beginning when commenter “grubworm46” said “What the hell is this?” And who can forget “anonymous” and their witty remark “I don’t like this blog” followed by my snappy rejoinder “screw you”. With that inauspicious beginning who knew I would still be here blathering on like a chipmunk on chestnuts infused with crystal meth and guacamole.

176 posts and it could have been so many more if I wasn’t so lazy. As Fleetwood Mac once sang, “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. Oh well.”

Our celebration includes a big party here at Cosmic Overdrive headquarters. All of my favorites have shown up to help me commemorate the moment: Newt Gingrich brought veggie dip made out of sweat and lies I believe; Michelle Bachmann has been hiding behind a rhododendron all night shooting accusing looks at everyone; Mitt Romney came in then left, came back in, left again, came back, left and then we locked the door; Glenn Beck, an old buddy I haven’t heard from in a long time dropped off a boysenberry pie, shed some tears, told me I was a danger to myself and others, accused me of being a communist and the last I saw him he was in the bathroom cutting his hair with an oyster knife and mumbling “Why doesn’t anyone like me, mommy?”

The employees from Office Max stopped by to annoy me and the manager of the local super market tried to sell me wicker furniture that smelled like the freezer section of his store. The ants that plague my life every summer marched in and made off with Glenn Beck’s pie while friends and family members that I’ve mentioned occasionally in the blog presented me with a cease-and-desist letter.

All in all it’s been an amazing night. The bunting is still swaying in the air conditioning, the lunch meat platter has plenty of pastrami, the pickles are bold and saucy and my prepared speech wasn’t booed until the 86th minute when I used the word “festoonery”.

I hope you’ve enjoyed episode #176 of Cosmic Overdrive and will come back for #177. What will it be about, you ask? I have no idea.

Hayride to Hell

Let’s look at the Republican primary tote board:

Santorum: too many
Romney: northern states and island protectorates
Gingrich: his home state and South Carolina
Paul: nothing

I get not voting for Romney. He only has other people’s ideas (and they’re all bad). He can’t think on his feet, he flip flops on issues in a matter of hours, he’s a terrible liar, a major-league panderer, tries too hard, looks like a middle school math teacher trying to be cool.

Gingrich is even easier not to vote for. The slime drips from his reptilian skin in buckets. He has a rich history of ineptitude, arrogance and, well, just being Newt.

That brings us to Santorum. Why oh why are people voting for him? It didn’t bother me when he “won” Iowa because its one state that puts too much importance on its vote. But he has continued to win states, continued to win delegates. This man is medieval. His presence on the national stage is a vile pronouncement to the world that we are a backward country who is willing to vote for a putrid piece of shit just because we don’t want to vote for the other guys who are running. Is that really the message we want to send?

A vote for Rick Santorum is a vote for the 13^th century. Ladies get ready to be silent, barefoot, and pregnant. Men, it’s back to an agrarian economy because Rick will kill the one we have now with a conservative approach so strangling economic growth will be measured in bales of hay.

It was all fun and games when a few mid-western iconoclasts decided to vote for the former Pennsylvania Senator. But now northern and southern voters alike are jumping on the slippery Santorum bandwagon. This is the hayride to hell where the government won’t lift a finger to help someone with a catastrophic illness pay their medical bills but a battalion of middle-aged white men want to know what’s going on inside of a woman’s vagina at all times.

I haven’t been completely happy with Obama’s performance as president, but when the general election is upon us and our only two choices are Obama and Santorum, and if we elevate Santorum? I don’t believe the phrase “may God have mercy on our souls” will be a strong enough prayer to protect us from our collective ignorance.

A Country Divided

It started with Iowa choosing Rick Santorum. The core of the earth shuddered at the seismic shift in ignorance. New Hampshire followed with a predictable win for Mitt Romney and there was calm.

South Carolina was next and the southern lords and ladies caused another disturbance in the force voting for dark lord of the Sith Newt Gingrich, whose fleshy jowls frightened undecided voters to pull the lever marked “racist adulterer”.

The scourge of every election, Florida, came up next and for the first time in decades the state was able to pull off a vote without court challenges, recounts or more than 10 % of the vote for Mickey Mouse. Mittens chalked up win number 2 and the Republican Party was officially taking the path of least resistance to Romneyland where everything changes, every day including opinions and election platforms. Speak into the microphone and tell Mitt what you want. He’ll prepare a speech just for you.

Everyone packed their bags and headed out west to Nevada. Each candidate put a chip down at the roulette table, the wheel spun round and round, the little white ball bounced, jumped and jived until it came up Romney. Mittens had win number 3. All was vanilla and pabulum with the world.

Tuesday, February 7, a day that will live in a small amount of infamy within certain factions of Mitt Romney’s campaign and the Republican Party at large. Three states holding a primary or caucus. All three are carried by the same person. A dark shadow, like a vulture gliding low over a dead raccoon in the middle of a residential street, passes over the country. Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri all fell to Rick Santorum.

Updated Scorecard:

Santorum 4
Romney 3
Gingrich 1
Paul 0

The Republican Party is a mess. They have no candidate running that a plurality of the voters wants. Their platforms and policies are a sad mixture of benefitting-only-the-rich tax modifications, couldn’t care less if the poor can afford health care and let’s allow the states to make their own laws on EVERYTHING. You want to give that kind of power to a state say, like Pennsylvania, who can’t even keep their roadways paved and whose capital city is $300 million in debt? Good idea.

Santorum suddenly has momentum and his ideas are the worst of all. He hates women, gays, poor people, non-Christians and apparently America because he’s forcing us to consider him a presidential candidate. If you’re not a rich, white, male, conservative Christian Rick Santorum has no time for you.

Personally I have no time for any of these losers but one of them just might be president in 2013. If that doesn’t shake you to the core of your being then you must a rich, white male conservative Christian-in-name-but-not-actions. We are a politically divided country and none of these mouth breathers is going to fix that.

Consolation Prizes

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show “Who Wants to be the Republican Nominee for President?” I’m your host Alex Trebek. Let’s meet our guests!

Our first contestant is a former speaker of the house from Georgia whose hobbies include racism and adultery: Newt Gingrich!

Next we have the former governor of Massachusetts whose favorite quote comes from rapper Fifty Cent, “Get rich or die tryin’”: Mitt Romney

Our third contestant believes in closed borders and closed minds: welcome wacky Ron Paul!

Finally, our fourth contestant is a former senator from the Keystone state whose campaign slogan is “Don’t Google me, bro”: Rick Santorum.

Now let’s welcome our moderator for the evening, Snoop Dogg!

“Hey, hey, it’s the d-o-g down with the G- O- P.”

Uh, all right . . . whatever that means, Snoop take it away with our first question.

“Yeah, listen up, why hasn’t the chronic been legalized?”

Newt: Chronic injuries and illnesses are the scourge of American prosperity. In my administration we will pass health care legislation that thoroughly covers all chronic sicknesses, unlike Mr. Romney’s plan.

Mitt: Will your plan also cover diseases passed on through extra-marital sex?

Newt: Cram it Richie Rich

Ron: The only “chronic” problem this country has is joining things: NATO, the United Nations, NAFTA, wars. It has to end.

Rick: I feel like I’m chronically misunderstood. That stuff on Google about me isn’t true!

“What are you white pastries talkin’ about? I want you to legalize pot.”

Newt: Never.

Mitt: Not a chance.

Ron: Maybe

Rick: No.

“Damn, the G-O-P is a bunch of S-O-Bs. I’m out. Peace”

All right, thank you to guest moderator Snoop Dogg. Now it’s the audience’s turn to participate. Push the button for the candidate of your choice.

And the results are in. The winner is . . . Mitch Daniels. Wait, Mitch Daniels isn’t running. Ladies and gentlemen you have to select one of our official candidates. Let’s try it again. Push those buttons!

And the winner is . . . Ronald Reagan. That’s it, I’m done. I’m going back to the green room and smoke a blunt with Snoop.

Good luck America!

America Picks a Candidate . . . or Not

It’s a battle royale for the dumbest state in the union. Tonight’s bout pits Iowa vs. South Carolina.

I was giving Iowa credit for brazen ignorance for casting enough votes for Google favorite Rick Santorum to come in second. But now it’s been announced that Iowa did a re-count and Santorum actually won the primary.

That’s 2 strikes against Iowa. They can’t do basic addition and enough of them them thought Rick “Massive Tool” Santorum would make a good president. This is a man who said that scientists “don’t have morals” and need to be government regulated. For Christ’s sake Iowa, come in from the corn field and join the 21^st century. To paraphrase Bill Hicks, “we’ve got thumbs now, we’re evolving”. You can have faith in God and still believe in science. It’s easy, I do it every day.

Santorum has said so many idiotic things I could write about them all day. I will mention one more. President Obama once gave a speech in France apologizing for some of the things done under President Bush in an attempt to repair broken relations with a traditional ally. Santorum criticized Obama for apologizing to people that “owes its freedom to the sacrifices of Americans”. While it’s true that the United States liberated France in World War 2, Rick seems to be forgetting that France assisted us in winning the Revolutionary War. You know, the one that allowed us to form an independent nation?

Rick Santorum: a vote for him is a vote for unfailing ignorance.

This brings us to Iowa’s opponent in the dumbass sweepstakes, South Carolina. Last night they threw their hat in the ring of shame by voting for Newt Gingrich by a wide margin over Richie Rich, uh, I mean Mitt Romney. I have detailed Newts faults and absurdities in detail in this blog before so I will only list them now. South Carolina decided the man they want for president is someone who is narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, closed-minded, inflammatory, egomaniacal, self-involved, self-absorbed, whatever the word is for someone who will bomb Iran while he sits safe and sound in a bunker eating Ding Dongs and watching a Two and a Half Men marathon, bloviating, an unrepentant liar, an exaggerator and though I can’t prove it, I believe flatulent.

Look South Carolina, I realize you weren’t given a lot of choices. It’s like being handed a TV remote to flip through American Idol, a Larry the Cable Guy movie, Survivor: Tijuana and Different Strokes re-runs on TV Land as your only viewing choices. But Newt Gingrich? I’m bitching at Iowa to enter our current century, S. Carolina you need to at least break through to the 20^th.

Newt Gingrich has been in American politics for decades. His failings have been widely detailed. His own party essentially fired him from his job as speaker of the house. He pretends to love his country when what he loves is himself and power. This information was all available to you South Carolina and still you voted for him.

So who wins the battle royale? I think it’s a draw. Both combatants swung wildly and missed altogether, falling drunkenly through the ropes and out of the ring. Now we move on to Florida. Oh God, Florida. We’re doomed.

The Rise of the Newt

America, what the hell? Newt Gingrich? Are you serious? The process for choosing a Republican nominee for President has already gone on longer than the director’s cut of a JRR Tolkien movie and now that we’ve finally gotten to the final act, we’ve moved the Newt to the top of the list?

For a while Mittens Romney was the front runner and I can see why. I mean, he’s an idiot with the thought processes of an amoeba, but I could see how he was ahead. First, he looks presidential. This should have nothing to do with it, but this is America, and let’s face it, we don’t elect people for the right reasons. Second, he changes his mind on issues with the frequency of a Disney tween star doing something scandalous, so when you listen to him he’s always saying just what you want to hear.

Then for a time Herman Cain was the popular choice. This didn’t bother me though, because I knew he would do something stupid and ruin his campaign. He just had that buffoonish, cartoon presence that made me say, “Oh yeah, this guy will immolate himself eventually. Let’s sit back with a cold beverage and watch.” Boom, Herman can’t remember what Libya is! Boom, one, two, three women accuse him of sexual harassment! Boom, another woman claims to have had an affair with Herman for over a decade! Goodbye Herman, you were good for some laughs. Infamy is calling, walk into the light.

But now. Now. Darkness has descended over our country. The Republican voters have been polled like members of a trailer park kidnapped by aliens, and they have spoken in percentage numbers. They have, for the moment, chosen Newt Gingrich.

Are you shitting me?

The same Newt Gingrich that was kicked out of congress 20 years ago by his own party? The same Newt that left his first wife while she was in the hospital to marry his mistress? The same Newton Gingrich who left his 2^nd wife (the ex-mistress) to marry his new mistress (wife #3)? The same Newt who paid to have several companies create fake Twitter accounts for him so it looked like he had over a million followers? The SAME Newt whose entire campaign staff quit, en masse, because he went on vacation rather than campaign? This is the man Republicans would vote for if the election were held today?

Deep breath. Deep breath.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? How can you think . . . I mean what . . . he has never . . . morally bankrupt . . . a lifetime of bad ideas . . . how can you believe that he can . . . I mean . . . for God’s sake he’s Newt Gingrich!

All I can say is, I’m not a republican and bear no responsibility for this unholy choice.

Newt Gingrich Keeps Rolling Along . . . Off a Cliff

Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign is the gift that just keeps on giving, like a bottomless bowl of fettuccine Alfredo. I don’t really want to keep writing about him because he’s such a narcissistic buffoon, but he keeps making news for the dumbest shit. His campaign went off the rails months ago. It’s lying in a ditch somewhere in Kentucky, the corpse being picked over by rangy, stray dogs and families of possums. But the Newtman will not give up.

His latest explanation of why his candidacy isn’t dead is that he has more Twitter followers than any of the other republican hopefuls thus proving his popularity. Now I’m already on record as believing that Twitter may be the stupidest invention ever. It tops even the Thigh Master and the Salad Shooter in my book. But celebrities, athletes and other people who can’t stop talking about themselves seem to enjoy it. Newt has 1.3 million followers and I guess the closest to him is Sarah Palin with 600,000. So you can see how this makes Newt a viable candidate. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Somewhere in Newt’s delusional cerebellum it all makes sense. It’s mixed up with memories of his mother telling him he’ll be the first amphibian to become president. This week, however, there was a story on the website Gawker that has thrown cold, bacteria-infested, New Jersey swamp water all over Newt’s specious logic.

A former Newt Gingrich campaign worker says that most of his twitter army . . . is fake. Much like thousands of voters in a Chicago mayoral election, they don’t exist. Newt paid a company to create thousands of false twitter accounts to fluff up his numbers and make it look like he was the populist candidate. Gawker rightfully pointed out that this hadn’t been proven yet; it was just the word of a former employee.

The next day though they had a follow-up story about a web site called PeekYou who had already investigated this claim and determined that indeed, 92% of Newt’s followers on Twitter had fake names or were inactive. This number coincides with my own findings that 92% of Newt’s ideas are worthless crap.

I’m assuming that Newt will continue his amoeba-like existence, re-forming his campaign around whatever new concept his plasticized wife whispers into his hirsute ear while he files corns off of her feet and Fox News plays in the background with the sound turned down. So while I’d rather write about my latest trip to Office Max or something else stupid I’ve done, Newt could make his triumphant return at any time. You’ve been warned.

An Imaginary Interview with Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich has been in the news lately because for some reason he's declared he's running for president in 2012. The country has responded with a collective yawn. I've taken plenty of shots at Newt and always found it to be great fun so I'm going to fire a few more cannonballs over his bow with this imaginary interview:

CO: If I called you a swollen sack of racist narcissisms, what’s your response?
NG: This bag of ego was once speaker of the house, Bucko
CO: I remember. Dark, dark days for this country. Let’s talk about your Contract with America. Aside from this being a bullshit political stunt, can you point to the provision for leaving our wives to marry our mistresses which . . .
NG: Now look . . .
CO: . . . you’ve done twice
NG: I was absolved of those sins by the church.
CO: You mean a sexually repressed, guilt-riddled priest had you say a few Hail Marys and now you’re as pure as the Colombian coke Steven Tyler snorts for breakfast?
NG: I mean I’ve paid the price for my transgressions.
CO: You’re rich, powerful, have enough influence to run a semi-plausible campaign for president, your current wife’s plastic surgery seems to be holding up . . . what price have you paid?
NG: My political career was deflated. I resigned as SOH . . .
CO: Boo hoo. Let’s talk about why even the republican base isn’t going to vote for you this election.
NG: My exploratory committee showed great support throughout the United States which is why I decided to run. People have responded very positively to my ideas.
CO: Let’s look at those positives: You spoke out against Senator Paul Ryan’s plan for Medicare and republican mascot Rush Limbaugh said he was “befuddled” by your position. In the same time period that a few of your opponents raised nearly $2 million you brought in $53,000 and a man threw glitter on you.
NG: I don’t need money, I have ideas. Rush and I are like sumo wrestlers: we’re both fat and sometimes butt heads but we’re also both revered and who doesn’t love glitter in all its sparkly goodness.
CO: All right, I’m going to give you the glitter, but come on, you need money to run a campaign and everyone knows the republican toadies salivate over every word Limbaugh chokes out between bites of salami and pork butt sandwiches.
NG: I have waited 20 years to run for president! You will not deny me!
CO: You’re right; I won’t, because I’m a democrat. I won’t be voting in the republican primary.
NG: A democrat? Then why am I talking to you?
CO: You’re not. I’m making it all up.
NG: Oh. Well, then I’m going to get on my giraffe and ride home to Neptune.

I will close with a recent quote from Bill Maher about Newt Gingrich: "he's an idiot who has always been wrong about every single thing he has ever talked about."

Amen.

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar