Thinning the Herd

We all saw this day coming. The bunting was taken down in the middle of the night before all the votes were counted. The doe-eyed, idealistic, young volunteers were sent on their way with a pat on the head and a handful of Applebee’s coupons. The spouses have been dressed in their finest “it’s over” outfits, the concession suits have been pulled from their suitcases. Yes, as a nation we need to take a deep breath of Iowa air filled with animal fecal matter and accept that we’ve lost 2 more.

Martin O’Malley from the democratic side and Mike Huckabee from the republican side.

Two presidential candidates no one ever gave a damn about have finally heard our mumbles of apathy.

This is Martin’s first run at the presidency so I’m sure it will be tougher on him, that fact that he wasted so much money and time and got through to basically nobody. And only getting 8 out of 1400 votes cast has got to be like Bernie Sanders twisting a pair of pliers on his nut sack.

For Huckabee? Well, he’s an old hand at this. This is presidential campaign number 2 that’s caught on fire like a stack of old rubber tires and burned the night away, leaving behind only the acrid, oily smell of condescension and bigotry.

These men will now be gone from the campaign trail and we will not miss them. We won’t miss Martin’s lack of personality or coherent message. We won’t miss him not having a valid reason for running for president in a season that has a Clinton and grass roots favorite Bernie Sanders as opponents. We won’t miss the twinkle in Mike Huckabee’s eyes that was him saying “Listen to me, I’m smarter than you.” We won’t miss his unwavering support of Josh Duggar who molested his sisters, cheated on his wife and apparently liked having sex so rough even hookers didn’t want his money. Money made from working at the Family Research Council. Mike Huckabee supports that.

Goodbye to two more of the rogue’s gallery of idiots who thought they could be president. We didn’t want you, we don’t need you, we’re not sorry you’re gone.

Who’s next? I’m looking at you Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina and Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum? Are you serious? He’s another nut sack for another day.

The Campaign of Martin O’Malley: Move Along, Nothing to See Here

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley recently held an “event” in Iowa where one person showed up. They chatted for a while and even with one-on-one attention he still couldn’t convince the gentleman to vote for him. I imagine it went something like this:

O’Malley: Hey, thank you for coming out in this bad weather.

Voter: I’m not voting for you.

O’Malley: Uh, ok . . .

Voter: I’m here ‘cause ya got muffins.

O’Malley: Muffins?

Voter: I like muffins. Blueberry.

O’Malley: All right.

Voter: What’s your name again?

O’Malley: Martin O’Malley.

Voter: Could you pass the butter Marty? I like butter on my muffins.

O’Malley: Sure.

Voter: The wife won’t let me have butter.

O’Malley: Here you go.

Voter: You got any marmalade?

O’Malley: Security!

I knew the day that O’Malley announced his candidacy that this is where we would end up. There are only a handful of politicians who are national names and O’Malley isn’t one of them. I haven’t even seen one person who lived in Maryland when he was governor who says they would vote for him. Again I ask, where does the hubris of these men come from? How much money that could have gone to a charitable use has been wasted because of Martin O’Malley’s ego?

I didn’t watch any of the debates but I’ve heard people say O’Malley acquitted himself nicely at times. But at this stage that’s not enough to defeat the comedy team of Hillary and Bernie. Or Bernie and Hillary. The billing seems to change on a daily basis. Martin O’Malley’s not even the opening act. He’s the guy who performs for free on the boardwalk hoping a few voters will throw a dollar in his hat after his treatise on immigration, and then stick around for his gun control closer.

I read that in the last debate a few days ago there was a question that both Bernie and Hillary were allowed to fully answer but before O’Malley could answer NBC cut to a commercial. They forgot he was part of the debate.

Director: Annnnnd . . . go to commercial.

Assistant: What about the other guy’s answer?

Director: What other guy?

Assistant: The tall one on stage behind a podium.

Director: How did he get on stage? Security!

Assistant: I think he’s running . . .

Director: He can run but he can’t hide.

Assistant: Never mind . . .

He’s on a stage and no one can see him. He speaks into a microphone but no one can hear his voice. This is Martin O’Malley’s candidacy.