My My My My My Michelle

Michelle Bachmann has announced that she is serving her last term in congress. She will not seek re-election in 2014. I can only assume it’s because her mother race of aliens will be entering earth’s atmosphere to pick Michelle up and take her back home for debriefing: Her job here as an extraterrestrial spy will be done. It’s time to use the information Michelle has gathered.

The people of Minnesota should be relieved that the hallucinogenic drugs that have laced their drinking water the last 8 years tricking them to continue to vote for Michelle will now be weaned out of the state’s water supply. Also, I believe the Amazing Kreskin will be appearing on local television to do a mass hypnosis event to help bring the populace back to normalcy.

Fellow Republicans should also be relieved that they won’t have to answer questions any longer like “What’s wrong with Michelle Bachmann?”, “What the hell is wrong with Michelle Bachmann?” and “Holy God, what in the shitting hell is wrong with Michelle Bachmann?”

Democrats I’m sure are a little concerned. When questioned about Minnesota politics they will now need more substantive answers than making a cuckoo sound and twirling a finger at the side of their heads.

As for me, I have made fun of Michelle in this blog repeatedly because she is a lunatic. I think I once called her “bat-shit crazy” but even that doesn’t do her psychosis justice. I’ll never forget the day she mixed up the actor John Wayne with serial killer John Wayne Gacey. How I laughed that day: Such a sweet, fulfilling memory. I remember my introduction to Michelle was an interview with Chris Matthews where she tried to channel Joe McCarthy and call for an investigation into congress for representatives that hated America. When the media contacted McCarthy’s ghost he just sighed and lit up a Kent. No, Michelle was no Joe McCarthy.

Michelle is more of a paranoid schizophrenic. When she walks down the street conspiracies, hulking and sweating liberalism, jump out at her from every doorway. She tries to fight them off with her crazy eyes and rambling speeches blaming Democrats for everything from swine flu to teenagers wanting to volunteer. But no matter how fast she runs the mass, always leaning to the left, catches Michelle in its globular arms, bleating in her ear “Obamacare! Obamacare! Obamacare!”

I’m going to miss Michelle.

Politics in America 2012

Democrats: The sky is blue

Republicans: It’s clearly green and only a communist would call it blue.

Democrats: The republicans don’t know their facts. The sky is blue. All you have to do is look at it to see.

Republicans: We’re not talking about facts. We’re talking ideology. Politically the sky is a conservative green.

Democrats: Grass is green.

Republicans: Outrageous. To call grass green like it’s a foregone conclusion is the most Fascist statement ever made.

Democrats: We would like to waste everyone’s time by presenting a non-binding resolution to the congress that states unequivocally the sky is blue and the grass is green.

Republicans: We are announcing our intentions to further waste people’s time by filibustering this reckless and incendiary piece of fluffery.

Democrats: We have created a new government agency to monitor the colors of things, the Department of Hue Awareness.

Republicans: We will block the assignation of any czar of Hue Awareness with demagoguery and time wasting techniques of historical proportions.

Rush Limbaugh: The democrats’ attacks on the skies over this great nation are the worst kind of dictatorial nonsense. Here we have senators, at one time a respected position in our government, demanding that everyone believe that the sky is blue. Demanding it. Like we don’t have the gift of sight and the blessing of a sound mind to make that determination on our own.

Keith Olbermann: Today Rush Limbaugh, in between wolfing down a dozen bags of powdered mini donuts, spewed out more of his rancid rhetoric, criticizing democratic members of congress for telling the truth and nothing but the truth about the color of the sky. As per usual, Rush is on the wrong side of a battle that is not ideological, but strictly scientific and factual.

Democrats: The republicans love to toss around words they don’t understand like “communist” and “fascist”, but they can’t bring themselves to look at facts because it will prove them wrong.

Republicans: Democrats like to toss around words like “facts” like we’re in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon playing flag football. It is never as simple as looking at “facts”.

CNN: As the partisan debate on the color of the sky heats up the rhetoric from both sides is becoming damaging. Joining us now for a round table discussion are 4 former democratic senators, 4 former republican congressman, 27 various political strategists and tuning in via Skype are the publishers of 4,325 political blogs.

Michelle Bachmann: I don’t know what color the sky actually is, but I do know it’s falling down around us. The democrats and their socialist, communist, fascist ideals are bringing it to its knees.

Fox News: Run! Run! Run! The sky is falling, Death! Destruction! Pestilence! Run for your lives! The world is ending and it’s the liberals fault!

Any Local Newspaper or Online News Site: Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a report today containing definitive proof that the sky is blue.

Democrats: We are calling on the leaders of the republican party to formally apologize for their part in the fabricated controversy about the color of the sky.

Republicans: We don’t believe being vigilant as the watchmen of this country is anything to apologize for.

The American People: SHUT UP! All of you!

That's Debatable

Chris Wallace of Fox News said yesterday that all these Republican debates were stupid. There have been so many that the moderators are having trouble finding new questions to ask. People, we shouldn’t need a Fox News broadcaster to tell us 19 debates are too many. This is an ability that should be inherent to all of us. There are babies being born right now who’s first thought while lying in their mother’s arms is “Really? 19 Republican debates? I’ve been in the womb for the last 9 months and I know Newt Gingrich is a dbag.”

The original field of candidates was transparent in their faults. As a society we didn’t require even one debate to know all we needed. Every time Michelle Bachman speaks the music from the shower scene in Psycho plays in our heads. The republican voters rightfully discarded her quickly in a field somewhere in Iowa. She’s probably preaching to the rats that the corn stalks are un-American and should be investigated by the department of agriculture.

Rick Perry? HE’S FROM TEXAS! Why would you need more? But for you stubborn folks out there, Rick decided to open his mouth . . . and forget what he was talking about mid-sentence, ending with a doofus grin and an “oops”. Imagine that scenario with Perry’s finger a half inch from the button that controls our arsenal of nuclear weapons. Whoo doggies!

Have we really learned anything new about Mitt Romney through 19 agonizing debates? He’s rich, he’s a Mormon, he will say anything to get the nomination, and he’s brainless. He’s Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and we saw the straw protruding from his scalp 4 years ago. Nothing’s changed. Call me when you find out he’s wearing ruby red pumps behind the podium.

Rick Santorum has been and always will be an ultra-conservative nightmare. All the debates have done is allowed a wider audience to hear the feces that leaks from his mouth. I would say that that was actually a good thing except someone listened and instead of phoning Pennsylvania and asking us to take him back, they VOTED for him. I’m looking in your direction Iowa.

Ron Paul is Ron Paul, always the outsider, which is strange because he has the pre-requisite racism needed to be a Republican politician along with the gutless denials of said racism. He wants to repeal the civil rights act, is an extreme isolationist and couldn’t give a shit if you can’t afford health insurance. It is a wonder he doesn’t garner more votes.

There are several more debates scheduled which is insanity. How many more times can Mitt Romney change his position on an issue before his head explodes. Actually, I’d watch that. Debate on, assholes.

The Iowa Spawning Ground

I’ve spent the last 2 years chronicling the slow descent into madness of Michelle Bachmann. From her proclamation that congress was filled with Commies that needed to be weeded out by the ghost of Joe McCarthy to her fear that President Obama’s call for volunteerism among the nation’s youth was a thinly veiled program to get them into internment camps where they would be brain washed to become tie-dye wearing vegans living off of government assistance and growing pot out of empty buckets of spackling compound, I’ve mined Michelle’s pixilation for laughs all the while wondering how the voters of Minnesota couldn’t notice the twinkle of insanity in her eyes.

Recently Michelle has been threatening to run for president. Of course, as someone who uses her batshit crazy behavior for his benefit I was thrilled. Two years of debates, interviews, speeches and appearances: Michelle will be in the public eye constantly. There’s no telling when her mind will go off the rails and where that train of lunacy will end up. But today, I have to admit, Michelle surprised even me. She didn’t wait for an interview with Chris Matthews or a campaign stump speech. She hit the ground running and made her first gaffe on THE DAY SHE ANNOUNCED HER CANDIDACY. Yes! Michelle Bachmann ladies and gentlemen . . .

Today Michelle made the announcement that she was officially running for president in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa (insert your own Napoleonic reference here). Michelle said:

"Well, what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Who doesn’t admire The Duke? A man who made movies that stood up for traditional American values, a man who beat cancer twice, a man who wasn’t born in Waterloo, Iowa. Yes, Michelle got her facts wrong once again. John Wayne the movie star was born in Winterset, Iowa. John Wayne Gacy was born in Waterloo. John Wayne Gacy, who went on to murder 33 people, hide the bodies under the floorboards of his home and eventually is executed by lethal injection.

So if Michelle has the spirit of John Wayne Gacy behind her campaign I have to assume that she will be murdering the other Republican candidates one by one and stashing the bodies under the rug of her congressional office. I can’t wait until she puts on the clown makeup and twists Mitt Romney’s intestines into the shape of a poodle.

Be proud Iowa. You’ve spawned a serial killer and the craziest woman in congress. I’m not sure which one you should be smacked for more.

I’m hoping in the next few days the other republican candidates take on the anima of their favorite killer. I think it would really enliven a dull process. Tim Pawlenty could become Ted Bundy, Newt Gingrich takes on the persona of Ed Gein while Ron Paul channels Charles Manson. Just think of the debates. While Newt is covering his podium with the skin of Fred Karger, Ron Paul will be carving swastikas into his own cheeks as Tim Pawlenty strangles Herman Cain.

Michelle has struck at the heart of American politics: every man/woman for themselves, hiding the bodies until the authorities catch up to them.

Back Off, Chris Matthews

After Michelle Bachmann’s wonderfully loopy State of the Union Response for Loons, Chris Matthews called her a “balloon head”. While I agree with his assessment I must first point out that the more apt term is “whack job”. Also, back off Matthews! Bachmann is my muse. Go yap about Palin, Angle, Malkin or some other female Republican/Tea Party fringe lunatic.

Michelle has been the inspiration for many of my blogs and I won’t have some TV blowhard cutting into my time inside Michelle’s brain. Granted, there’s plenty of room for both of us but I've been making myself comfortable. I've hung drapes, have an entertainment room set up and a hot plate for quick meals.

I realize that Michelle can be irresistible. The things she says aren't just ignorant, they’re coming from the edge of the universe where space and time corkscrew together in a way that almost makes Tracey Jordan seem funny. This is precisely why she has moved me to write about her so many times. You can’t make up the shit she says and if you did they would tell you to lie down and quit interrupting the lobotomy.

This is my one and only warning to you Matthews. Find your own muse to blather on about. I need Michelle to inspire my own bloviating laced with delightful sarcasm. Obama used to give your leg the jitters, try falling in love with him again. There’s nothing like an old romance made new again. Bottom line, Michelle Bachmann is off limits to you.

Don’t make me turn my satirical wit toward you. I have at least eight regular readers. You don’t want that kind of attention.

The Zen of Michelle Bachmann

Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann is back in the news. She did an interview with Chris Matthews where her appearance was glassy-eyed, and she gave the same typical, nonsensical answer to every question. Matthews wondered aloud whether Michelle was under hypnosis.

If only it were that simple Mr. Matthews. No, Michelle isn’t under the influence of an outside force, it’s an inside machine that has shoes clogging the gears. Michelle hasn’t been hypnotized, she’s batshit crazy.

That look in her eyes is a mixture of pixilation, stupidity, paranoia and a gene that scientists haven’t identified yet. It all combines to form the Zen of Michelle Bachmann. It allows her to remain in a state of oxymoronic manic calm that produces her ludicrous conspiracy theories, screaming monkey-with-a-microphone proclamations and unrelenting demands for attention.

Dr. Alan Rabinowitz of the Larry Fine Foundation for Ridiculous Thought, a non-partisan, non-denominational, non-profit, non-fat, low cholesterol think tank, has written a paper that includes a section on Michelle’s brain for the science journal “If the Neurons Aren’t Firing, It Must Be the Wiring”. In the paper entitled “On the Thought Processes of Lower Primates”, Dr. Rabinowitz argues that Michelle’s brain is unique even among other conservatives or other paranoid schizophrenics. When Michelle gives a speech or makes a TV appearance she looks normal: She looks like a soccer mom or a respected business woman. It’s only when you actually listen to what she she’s saying and try to understand how she got from point A to point 32 in a straight line, that you realize the depths of her whackjobian fugues.

So Chris Matthews, the next time you have Mrs. Bachmann on your program, remember you are dealing with a brain that works on a different level from anyone else. You have to ask her questions she can handle like, “What meds are you currently on?”, “Did they change your meds?” and “Have you taken your meds?”