WTF New Hampshire?

New Hampshire, WTF?

38% of the republican votes in your primary went to vile mound of human excrement in a suit, Donald Trump. New Hampshire's motto has apparently changed from "Live free or Die" to "Live Free as long as you're a white male and if you're anyone else then die" Trump celebrated his victory by throwing chunks of granite at the press while yelling "I love New Trumpshire!"

Voting for a radish would have been a better use of your voting privilege. I know you people run around drunk on maple syrup all day, but come on, this election shit is serious. This isn’t an Adam Sandler movie. That isn’t Sandler in a cheap wig with Kevin James and David Spade standing next to him on the debate stage. You aren’t extras applying for a SAG card. You’re supposed to be voting for who you want to be president, not whether they should build a water treatment plant on Earl’s turnip field.

I really expected better of you New Hampshire. Oh well, At least you got Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina to drop out and stop pestering us with their nonsense. The next debate may resemble a real debate and not open mic night at the Ha Ha Hut.

Thinning the Herd

We all saw this day coming. The bunting was taken down in the middle of the night before all the votes were counted. The doe-eyed, idealistic, young volunteers were sent on their way with a pat on the head and a handful of Applebee’s coupons. The spouses have been dressed in their finest “it’s over” outfits, the concession suits have been pulled from their suitcases. Yes, as a nation we need to take a deep breath of Iowa air filled with animal fecal matter and accept that we’ve lost 2 more.

Martin O’Malley from the democratic side and Mike Huckabee from the republican side.

Two presidential candidates no one ever gave a damn about have finally heard our mumbles of apathy.

This is Martin’s first run at the presidency so I’m sure it will be tougher on him, that fact that he wasted so much money and time and got through to basically nobody. And only getting 8 out of 1400 votes cast has got to be like Bernie Sanders twisting a pair of pliers on his nut sack.

For Huckabee? Well, he’s an old hand at this. This is presidential campaign number 2 that’s caught on fire like a stack of old rubber tires and burned the night away, leaving behind only the acrid, oily smell of condescension and bigotry.

These men will now be gone from the campaign trail and we will not miss them. We won’t miss Martin’s lack of personality or coherent message. We won’t miss him not having a valid reason for running for president in a season that has a Clinton and grass roots favorite Bernie Sanders as opponents. We won’t miss the twinkle in Mike Huckabee’s eyes that was him saying “Listen to me, I’m smarter than you.” We won’t miss his unwavering support of Josh Duggar who molested his sisters, cheated on his wife and apparently liked having sex so rough even hookers didn’t want his money. Money made from working at the Family Research Council. Mike Huckabee supports that.

Goodbye to two more of the rogue’s gallery of idiots who thought they could be president. We didn’t want you, we don’t need you, we’re not sorry you’re gone.

Who’s next? I’m looking at you Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina and Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum? Are you serious? He’s another nut sack for another day.

The Campaign of Martin O’Malley: Move Along, Nothing to See Here

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley recently held an “event” in Iowa where one person showed up. They chatted for a while and even with one-on-one attention he still couldn’t convince the gentleman to vote for him. I imagine it went something like this:

O’Malley: Hey, thank you for coming out in this bad weather.

Voter: I’m not voting for you.

O’Malley: Uh, ok . . .

Voter: I’m here ‘cause ya got muffins.

O’Malley: Muffins?

Voter: I like muffins. Blueberry.

O’Malley: All right.

Voter: What’s your name again?

O’Malley: Martin O’Malley.

Voter: Could you pass the butter Marty? I like butter on my muffins.

O’Malley: Sure.

Voter: The wife won’t let me have butter.

O’Malley: Here you go.

Voter: You got any marmalade?

O’Malley: Security!

I knew the day that O’Malley announced his candidacy that this is where we would end up. There are only a handful of politicians who are national names and O’Malley isn’t one of them. I haven’t even seen one person who lived in Maryland when he was governor who says they would vote for him. Again I ask, where does the hubris of these men come from? How much money that could have gone to a charitable use has been wasted because of Martin O’Malley’s ego?

I didn’t watch any of the debates but I’ve heard people say O’Malley acquitted himself nicely at times. But at this stage that’s not enough to defeat the comedy team of Hillary and Bernie. Or Bernie and Hillary. The billing seems to change on a daily basis. Martin O’Malley’s not even the opening act. He’s the guy who performs for free on the boardwalk hoping a few voters will throw a dollar in his hat after his treatise on immigration, and then stick around for his gun control closer.

I read that in the last debate a few days ago there was a question that both Bernie and Hillary were allowed to fully answer but before O’Malley could answer NBC cut to a commercial. They forgot he was part of the debate.

Director: Annnnnd . . . go to commercial.

Assistant: What about the other guy’s answer?

Director: What other guy?

Assistant: The tall one on stage behind a podium.

Director: How did he get on stage? Security!

Assistant: I think he’s running . . .

Director: He can run but he can’t hide.

Assistant: Never mind . . .

He’s on a stage and no one can see him. He speaks into a microphone but no one can hear his voice. This is Martin O’Malley’s candidacy.

Silver and Gold, Politicians and Insanity

Just when you think our politicians can’t be any more ignorant they grab a diamond-tipped shovel (paid for by our tax dollars) and furiously dig down to a new layer of stupidity. This new stratum, which paleontologists are calling the Dumbasstocene era, is where we find Georgia state legislator Bobby Franklin. He has proposed that all Georgia state taxes be paid only in gold or silver coins:

Pre-1965 silver coins, silver eagles, and gold eagles shall be the exclusive medium which the state shall use to make any payments whatsoever to any person or entity, whether private or governmental. Such coins shall be the exclusive medium which the state shall accept from any person or entity as payment of any obligation to the state including, without limitation, the payment of taxes; provided, however, that such coins and other forms of currency may be used in all other transactions within the state upon mutual consent of the parties of any such transaction.

Franklin’s argument is taken from the U.S Constitution, which has its words scrutinized by these whackjobs the way the paparazzi follow every move of Lindsay Lohan: no state shall "make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts.

I want in on this so I am proposing my own payment plans for specific kinds of debts:

All sports bets shall be paid off in Nutter Butters.

The only currency accepted on the World Poker Tour shall be Topps baseball cards (no doubles).

Sales tax will be paid in sarcasm. Irony will not be accepted.

Capital gains will be made in the form of a tune sung in two-part harmony and written by the songwriter of the investor’s choice.

Payments for gasoline shall be rendered in post-it notes with dollar signs drawn on and the words “Legal Tender in the United States of Larry”.

Remuneration for jury duty will be your choice of chocolate, wine or illegal pharmaceuticals.

From this point forward doctor and hospital bills will be paid in hats, caps, fedoras, chapeaus and the occasional fez.

Restaurant tips can be given on the sliding scale of Chicken-in-a-Biskit, Ritz crackers, oyster crackers and unsalted saltines.

I don’t think any of this is constitutional but it makes as much sense as the garbage proposed by our elected officials.

People Who Need to Shut Up, Part 2

Politicians

All of them: Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian, Communist, Teabagger, all of you shut up.

On Monday Republicans voted to block a finance reform bill from making it to the senate floor because they oppose it as it is written. I understand having differing viewpoints so on the surface this isn’t unreasonable. However, the bill wasn’t being voted on. It was just coming to the floor to be debated. So the Republicans were against talking about the bill. They didn’t want to debate whether to debate the bill. By all means, let’s not talk about these things. What good would open dialogue do when writing laws to govern the country? Let’s just scribble something down on a cocktail napkin over a triptych of highballs, add a few doodles or caricatures and vote that baby into law. Or is that what we’ve been doing all along?

The Democrats are no better. The next day I saw some senator on Andrea Mitchell Reports (can’t remember who he was or even what legislation he was speaking about—I know, I have a great ear for detail) saying he believes they have enough votes to push the bill through. Not, “we have a bill we really believe in” or “we have legislation that will change things for the betterment of America”, just we have the votes to cram it through. We could cram all the politicians into a meat grinder, feed the results to farm animals, and they could shit out better representatives than we have now.

Teabaggers, until you start denouncing the members of your movement who openly call for the assassination of the President or bring vile signs to rallies I won’t even listen to your platform.

The Lohan Family

For the love of a merciful God, will you just go away?

Lindsey is a drug addict. Her father is a drug addict. Since her mother is partying at the clubs with Lindsey until 5 in the morning, I’m assuming she’s a drug addict. The 16 year old sister has been living with Lindsey so I’m sure she’s partaking but still has that new drug addict smell.

They’re all attention whores, seeking out cameras to shove their pasty white faces at and microphones to speak the gibberish of a coke-addled mind into. If they combined their IQs into a composite family number it would reach back the evolutionary chain to Australopithecus africanus who liked to hang out in exclusive caves grinding animal bones into powder and snorting it through a reed.

Do us all a favor: buy a little farm out in the middle of nowhere where you can smoke meth and snort coke while basking in each other’s narcissism. The important thing is that you shut up and go away.

My Cat Phantom

Not technically a person, but I'm including him anyway. I love the little ball of fur but he’s like a gray crack addict when it comes to his treats, Temptations.

I get home from my second job at 5:30 a.m. so its 6 a.m. when I get into bed and I have to be up again no later than 12:30 p.m. Six hours of sleep is all I get time for. When I first introduced him to the Temptations I was happy I had finally found a treat he likes. Then he started waking me up at 11, an hour before my alarm goes off, begging for his treats. Soon it was 10:30, then 10. At first he just sat on my nightstand “meow, meow, meow, meow, meow”. Now he jumps onto the bed and stands right over my face “meowmeowmeowmeowmeow” until I wake up. This morning it was 9 a.m. when he woke me. I got up, nudged him out of the bedroom, yelled “Its 9 a.m.!” and slammed the door on his plangent, heart-shaped face.

Of course he sits outside the bedroom door “Meeoow! Meeoow!” Translation: “You’re killing me! I need my fix!” The only way I can drown him out is to turn up the white noise on my alarm clock. This morning I had the rain function on. The problem was I could still hear him “Meeeowwww! Why don’t you love me anymore?” So I turned the rain up louder and it became a competition. Pretty soon I had a thunder storm erupting in the middle of my bedroom and Phantom was on the phone with the SPCA hotline reporting me as an abusive owner.

Puss, for the love of God, let me sleep.

Why Do Politicians Think We're Stupid?

Do we collectively have “sucker” stamped across our foreheads? Has the stench from VH1s entire broadcasting lineup of fetid dating reality shows seeped into our brains turning them into tapioca? Has our gene pool really been diluted that badly that we now have the mental capacity of tree stumps? If you are answering “no” to all the above questions, then riddle me this:

Why do politicians think we’re stupid?

I saw a story on the Colbert Report about a democratic congressman from Illinois, Luis Guitierrez, who wanted to shut down payday loan companies because they routinely charge between 400-800% interest. Mr. Guitierrez, however, has changed his stance. He has introduced the Payday Reform Act of 2009 which instead of outlawing these businesses would reduce the maximum interest they can charge to 780%.

Yeehaw Marge, its Christmas morning! Now we only have to pay $4400 for that $500 loan instead of $4500! Get out the “real” Spam, we’re eatin’ good tonight!

Why, you may ask, did Mr. Guitierrez change his views? Hmmm. One reason might be that one of the largest contributors to his re-election campaign was QC Holdings, a payday loan company.

This is just the latest in a very long line of politicians who think they can say or do anything and we will remove our brains, rewrite our code of ethics and continue to believe in them (Remember when Clinton said he smoked pot but didn’t inhale? Well then you wasted a perfectly good joint dumbass, you should have passed it to someone else). I guess once in office they figure they have 2 to 6 years to do and say what they want and they can’t be touched, so what the hell.

There are 100 senators and 435 representatives in the United States Government: 535 cogs in the machine. You’d think in a country of 360 million we could find 535 honest people to run things, but the search of Diogenes continues.