Lolla-Presidential Candidate-Palooza

I’m so bored with the election bullshit I decided to cast the candidates as members of a band. Just go with me on this one. The alternative is thinking about Trump as president.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Lolla-presidential candidate-palooza. We have 6 great bands performing for you tonight. Let’s meet them before we start the festivities:

It’s Marco Rubio, new lead singer for En Fuego, a Latino boy band that sings about love, girls and defunding Planned Parenthood.

Please welcome Donald Trump, lead vocals for Build the Wall, a neo-Nazi grindcore band with lyrics like “We’re great! We’re great! Build the Wall! Exterminate!”

And now it’s Ted Cruz playing tambourine and singing back-up for Christian soft-rock combo Aaron, Joseph, Noah and Isaac. They play mainly VFW halls and birthday parties for conservative fringe groups run by millionaire donors.

John Kasich is next playing stand-up bass in a fifties revival group called Johnny Bland and the Forgettables. Their big hit is “I Can’t Quit the Primary”.

Let’s welcome Bernie Sanders to the stage harmonizing hits from the 40s with his cousins Ernie and Fernie. They perform as Mazel Tov!, mostly in kosher delis and at the occasional bris.

Our last performer is Hillary Clinton singing the hits of Nancy Sinatra from her Las Vegas show with her back-up band the Benghazi Four (formerly known as the Whitewater Trio).

Now to open the show please welcome Martin O’Malley, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Lincoln Chaffee, Lindsey Graham, Carly Fiorina and Jim Webb as the Loserville Chorus performing their number 1 hit, “What Were We Thinking?”

And then There Were 3 . . . or 5

Let’s check on the Republican presidential race after 3 primaries:

Jeb! Has become Jeb L

Carly Fiorina has been downsized and is currently using an Acer notebook to forward cat videos to the sad people who donated money to her campaign.

Chris Christie is at the local Golden Corral drowning his sorrows in beef gravy.

John Kasich is stubbornly remaining in the race. He’s running on one leg, dragging the second behind him like a dead tree limb and carrying a bag of second graders on his back, but he’s still there.

Ben Carson is also for some reason sticking around. He hasn’t polled above 7% in any primary, he doesn’t do well in the debates and he has terrible ideas. The old saying is 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. 0 out of 3 means it’s time to pack up your shit and go home.

Oh, and Jim Webb dropped out. Not much to say about that since no one knew Jim Webb was running. No real grass roots movement for ol’ Jim. More like a patch of weeds forcing its way up between the cracks of a broken sidewalk. The voters shot it with weed killer and he’s gone.

The big three remain: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. It’s quite a choice the voters have. Cast your ballot either for a talking orangutan, an oil stain on the garage floor or Ricky Ricardo. Sorry but the last Republican debate I just kept waiting for Rubio to look at Trump and yell, “Lucy! You got some splaining to do!” That would have been sweet.

Good luck voters, there are no winners here.