Goodbye 2016

So.

2016 is almost over. For the world at large 2016 has been as Helen Mirren said “a big pile of shit”. Wars continue unabated in many parts of the world. The United Kingdom has caused an uproar by voting to exit the European Union. White Nationalists are rising in power in many countries and too many people don’t seem to care. Oh, and the United States voted an unstable, racist jar of orange marmalade in as their new president.

Then there are the deaths in the entertainment world. Many, many deaths. An unrelenting torrent from the Grim Reaper taking our music, our storytellers, our play actors. David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Paul Kantner, Greg Lake, Keith Emerson,  Richard Adams, Harper Lee, Ken Howard, Doris Roberts, Garry Shandling, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Garry Marshall, Michel Cimino, Gene Wilder and Alan fucking Rickman. 2016 took Willy Wonka and Hans Gruber.

And this is only a sampling of those that passed. The real list is ridiculously long.

I can’t say on a personal level that it’s been too bad of a year and I hope that’s the case with anyone who reads this. But as a whole I think we’re all ready to move on. It’s time to say goodbye to 2016.

2016 . . . goodbye and good riddance, get out, hit the bricks, take a hike, beat cheeks, make like a tree and leave, skedaddle, vamoose, be gone, leave my sight and never return, there’s the door, so long, farewell, smell you later, ciao!, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, Sayonara, adios, jet, take off, roll, run, split, scoot, make tracks, hit the road, head east, skate, bounce, take a long walk off a short pier, turn the corner, depart, cut out, move off, sally forth, set sail, shove off, pack it up, vacate the premises, take your leave, disembark, make it so, reverse engines, follow the yellow brick road, toodle loo, let her rip tater chip and last but not least, get the fuck out!

First Impressions

With so many candidates running for president I thought it was about time I got a feel for what people thought of this motley crew of skin and plasma. So I pretended to do a series of man-on-the-street interviews. Here are the responses I believe I would have gotten if I had actually done said interviews.

Democratic candidates

Hillary Clinton—“Another Clinton? God help us.”

Joe Biden—“He’s like a thousand years old, no.”

Bernie Sanders—a very small group of people-“Woohoo!” The rest of the country-“I. Don’t. Think. So.”

Martin O’Malley—people who live in Maryland-“Uh, no.” The rest of the country-“Who?”

Republican candidates

Jeb Bush—“Wait, is he related to the other Bush’s? Aw, hell no!”

Ben Carson—“Hmm, he’s a neurosurgeon so he has to be smart. He said what? He compared people who voted for Obama to Nazis and thinks the affordable care act is worse than 9/11? Never mind.”

Ted Cruz—“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

Rand Paul—“We get our bourbon from Kentucky, not our presidents.”

Bobbie Jindal—“You can’t be serious.”

Donald Trump—“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one. Donald Trump running for president. Ha! You got me.”

Chris Christie—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from New Jersey.”

Rick Perry—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Texas.”

Scott Walker—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Wisconsin.”

Mike Huckabee—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Arkansas. No, not that idiot, the Republican one.”

Carly Fiorina— “Worst. CEO. Ever.”

Lindsay Graham—“I’ve heard the name, but I thought it was an actress on a soap opera.”

George Pataki —“I can’t vote for someone whose skin looks like it’s melting off his skull.”

Marco Rubio—“Is this the guy who sang Living la Vida Loca?”

Rick Santorum—“Ewwww.”

Lincoln Chafee—“If I never heard of Martin O’Malley what makes you think I’ve heard of Lakeland Chafing?”

Jim Webb—“This is getting silly.”

Bob Ehrlich—“Really, who are these people?”

Mark Everson—“Now you’re just making names up.”

Jim Gilmore—“This game stopped being fun 10 candidates ago.”

John Kasich —“I’m not playing anymore.”

Pete King—“Seriously, stop it.”