Jeb?

Jeb Bush, America’s 1997 southeast district manager of the year is running for president. His main reasons of course are unresolved daddy issues and that his brother George won’t stop teasing him about being governor of Florida, the state voted the most likely to be jettisoned into the Atlantic Ocean.

Jeb’s first attempt at a campaign slogan was “Jeb!” which sounded like an 80’s sitcom on Fox where by season 2 his dopey brother George was getting all the attention by saying his catchphrase “mission accomplished” after one of his hilarious high jinks. The voting public was less than enthusiastic about Jeb! preferring racist persimmon Donald Trump and his catchphrase, “Make America Pure Again”.

In a rare mid-campaign change, Jeb and his crack team of middle managers came up with: “Jeb Can Fix It”

Uh huh.

Jeb can’t go a week without saying something stupid so I think your underlying logic for this statement is flawed. Here are some suggestions that fit better with Jeb’s strengths:

Jeb: You Voted for My Brother Twice!

Jeb Kind of Looks like Your Uncle

Jeb: Tell me what I Need to Say

I also think his campaign staff is not helping so it’s time to recruit new blood. I’ve put this ad on Craig’s List for Jeb:

Republican Presidential candidate seeks a competent direction for rudderless campaign. Also need a new slogan, a better platform and some personality. Billionaires welcome, Caucasian a plus. No chicks.

I’m sure with these changes Jeb’s campaign will lead him to stay in the race until at least March when he’ll finally see the writing on the wall of the Holiday Inn men’s room and drop out.

First Impressions

With so many candidates running for president I thought it was about time I got a feel for what people thought of this motley crew of skin and plasma. So I pretended to do a series of man-on-the-street interviews. Here are the responses I believe I would have gotten if I had actually done said interviews.

Democratic candidates

Hillary Clinton—“Another Clinton? God help us.”

Joe Biden—“He’s like a thousand years old, no.”

Bernie Sanders—a very small group of people-“Woohoo!” The rest of the country-“I. Don’t. Think. So.”

Martin O’Malley—people who live in Maryland-“Uh, no.” The rest of the country-“Who?”

Republican candidates

Jeb Bush—“Wait, is he related to the other Bush’s? Aw, hell no!”

Ben Carson—“Hmm, he’s a neurosurgeon so he has to be smart. He said what? He compared people who voted for Obama to Nazis and thinks the affordable care act is worse than 9/11? Never mind.”

Ted Cruz—“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

Rand Paul—“We get our bourbon from Kentucky, not our presidents.”

Bobbie Jindal—“You can’t be serious.”

Donald Trump—“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one. Donald Trump running for president. Ha! You got me.”

Chris Christie—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from New Jersey.”

Rick Perry—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Texas.”

Scott Walker—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Wisconsin.”

Mike Huckabee—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Arkansas. No, not that idiot, the Republican one.”

Carly Fiorina— “Worst. CEO. Ever.”

Lindsay Graham—“I’ve heard the name, but I thought it was an actress on a soap opera.”

George Pataki —“I can’t vote for someone whose skin looks like it’s melting off his skull.”

Marco Rubio—“Is this the guy who sang Living la Vida Loca?”

Rick Santorum—“Ewwww.”

Lincoln Chafee—“If I never heard of Martin O’Malley what makes you think I’ve heard of Lakeland Chafing?”

Jim Webb—“This is getting silly.”

Bob Ehrlich—“Really, who are these people?”

Mark Everson—“Now you’re just making names up.”

Jim Gilmore—“This game stopped being fun 10 candidates ago.”

John Kasich —“I’m not playing anymore.”

Pete King—“Seriously, stop it.”