Who You Got?

Donald Trump, a cross between a russet potato and a Clementine, seems to be the likely republican candidate for president. Ted “Haters Gonna Hate” Cruz and John “Someone please vote for me” Kasich are still hanging around, even conspiring to form an unholy alliance predicted by Nostradamus.

On the democratic side Hillary Clinton, playing the woman card by being an actual woman, is inching closer to her party’s nomination with big wins in Pennsylvania, Delaware and Maryland last Tuesday. Bernie Sanders and his dream of “Crazy Bernie’s Discount America: everything must go and it’s FREE!” is still alive, but is taking on water like a fishing boat in a storm.

In the middle of all this are the American people: Divided, angry, and disorganized. “Who do we vote for?” we ask ourselves. Should we vote for the most heinous man walking the planet or Donald Trump? John Kasich? Nah, no one’s asking that.

Maybe we should vote for the first female president in American history? How about the first president that sounds like Larry David? (I don’t think the founding fathers saw that one coming)

In November 2016 we will vote for someone. When it’s all over some Americans will be happy, some will be disappointed. Many will shrug their shoulders and mumble into their Fruit Loops. Others will still be watching the USA network marathon of NCIS and will have forgotten to vote.

In January of 2017 a new president will be sworn in. It may be a woman, it may be a man, or it may be whatever Ted Cruz is. One thing is certain: whoever we elect is well and truly fucked.

A Pool of Cruz Oil

Human oil slick Ted Cruz has been oozing his way up the polls, his opponents slipping on the industrial grade grease dripping from his hair. Cruz’s reedy, unctuous voice has also taken its toll on the ears of his fellow politicians, causing a pain not unlike having a peppercorn stuck in your auditory canal.

Cruz is running on a platform of being a terrible human being who is completely untrustworthy. Iowans have recently taken to his utter lack of charm, grace, or competence. Ted Cruz is to republican voters what Donald Trump is to republican voters, only with more unguent.

Ted Cruz thinks it’s funny to tell demeaning jokes at the beginning of his speeches. You may say that I’m doing the same thing with Cruz as the target. True. The difference is I’m nobody, writing words that 11 people will read and he wants to be President of the United States. The office calls for dignity. I can write in my pajamas with cereal dust in my beard and no one will be the wiser.

No one in his own party likes him. More to the point, they loathe him. Cruz calls himself “a Washington outsider” and someone “who sticks to his principals”. Other Republicans call him an “asshole” and someone “with a rod so far up his ass he can taste his own shit”.

Cruz is a climate change denier. He’s done interviews where he presents what he calls “facts”. Leading climate scientists call them “lies”. So he lies to push his own pre-conceived agenda and gain votes from like-minded non-thinkers. Does that sound like a Washington outsider? No, it sounds like every politician.

Be careful where you walk, you might step in a pool of Cruz oil.