Jeb?

Jeb Bush, America’s 1997 southeast district manager of the year is running for president. His main reasons of course are unresolved daddy issues and that his brother George won’t stop teasing him about being governor of Florida, the state voted the most likely to be jettisoned into the Atlantic Ocean.

Jeb’s first attempt at a campaign slogan was “Jeb!” which sounded like an 80’s sitcom on Fox where by season 2 his dopey brother George was getting all the attention by saying his catchphrase “mission accomplished” after one of his hilarious high jinks. The voting public was less than enthusiastic about Jeb! preferring racist persimmon Donald Trump and his catchphrase, “Make America Pure Again”.

In a rare mid-campaign change, Jeb and his crack team of middle managers came up with: “Jeb Can Fix It”

Uh huh.

Jeb can’t go a week without saying something stupid so I think your underlying logic for this statement is flawed. Here are some suggestions that fit better with Jeb’s strengths:

Jeb: You Voted for My Brother Twice!

Jeb Kind of Looks like Your Uncle

Jeb: Tell me what I Need to Say

I also think his campaign staff is not helping so it’s time to recruit new blood. I’ve put this ad on Craig’s List for Jeb:

Republican Presidential candidate seeks a competent direction for rudderless campaign. Also need a new slogan, a better platform and some personality. Billionaires welcome, Caucasian a plus. No chicks.

I’m sure with these changes Jeb’s campaign will lead him to stay in the race until at least March when he’ll finally see the writing on the wall of the Holiday Inn men’s room and drop out.

Run Jim Run

That was a close one people. We almost had this election cycle without him. I know, I know, you’re saying to yourself “How could we have had a presidential election without HIM?” The simple answer is: we couldn’t. This whole enterprise was going to fall like a house of cards eventually.

The announcement was made yesterday and the party has just begun. The bunting is still being hung, cheese platters are being constructed, bands of questionable ability and provenance are tuning guitars, and crisply dressed college-age voters are sharing drinks and salutations.

Jim Gilmore has announced his candidacy for president.

“Who is Jim Gilmore?” you ask.

I have no fucking clue.

But make no mistake he’s the one we’ve been waiting for. The other 21 num-nuts running can’t do the job. Hilary Clinton was first lady and later the secretary of state. Pah! What kind of qualifications are they? Bernie Sanders has been in congress for 24 years. So? Lindsey Graham has been in congress for 20 years. Yeah, and?

Jim Gilmore used to be governor.

Of Virginia.

I’ll now quote from the Book of Republican, 8^th chapter, verses 5 and 6:

5 “And the day will come when he walks the land of strife and discord, and lo he will know he has been called. Called to be “the one”, the candidate to end all candidates, the lambda and the epsilon. 6 And he will heed the call of the stricken sheep and announce his presence with authority.

The celebration has started well and true. Mandy Patinkin is drunkenly singing “Over the Rainbow”. A conga line of elderly women are risking broken hips to dance up and down the street. Socially conscious teenagers are furiously scrolling Wikipedia to learn who this latest old white man is whose running for president. It’s a glorious day here in the United States of America.

Jim Gilmore is here to run the country and stay relevant, and he’s all out of relevance.