Game Show of the Future

It's 2:30 p.m.; do you know where your Chihuahua is?

Hi, I'm Dan Filibuster, host of "You're Too Old to Remember Shit". Our opening line tonight came from a famous sitcom. OK, contestants, ring in if you know the answer.

Yes, Judy, you got in first.

Judy: That line is from Whiskey Pete and the Dipsy Doodle Twins.

That's right! 100 points for Judy Spermatozoa from Belair Maryland. Whiskey Pete was of course played by lovable curmudgeon Howard Thudbaum who sadly died of extreme boredom 6 months after the show was cancelled.

Our other contestants tonight are Larry Finley of Hamster Crack Iowa and our returning champion with a 61 day prize total of $543 and 16 55-gallon drums of Turtle Wax; please welcome Marge Merge from a small cave in Arkansas!

All right contestants, our next golden oldie is from a song:

I gave you my heart
but all you did was fart

Marge!

Marge: That is from "Your Love is Like a Gas Fire" by Hank Hurlyburly.

Correct! 100 points. Ironically Hank was killed when he held in a fart too long during a blind date and his colon exploded. The other patrons at the restaurant were covered in feces but because it belonged to the legendary country singer they refused to bathe.

Our next category is News. Who said this?

"If I knew I was going to lose I wouldn't have spent my tater money on the campaign."

Larry!

Larry: That was 1932 presidential candidate Elmer "Mr. Potato Head" Tubbs

Correct, 100 points! Elmer spent all of the money used to work his potato farm to run for president where he finished a disappointing 67th in the Republican primary. He ran again in 1936 on the platform "Give me back my tater money."

Now for 300 points and the game, what movie is this from?

"I believe I can fly now that I have bionic elbows!"

Marge!

Marge: Danny Twilight said that in the movie "Robots, Robots, Everyone is a Robot"

Yes! Marge remains our champion.

Now for the Bonus question for Marge to win the grand prize of $36.28 and a claw-foot tub filled with scrap plywood: What TV show is this from:

"Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies, bunnies, bunnies, bunnies.”

Marge: Oh my God, I loved that show. It’s from Farmer Larry’s Festival of Frolic and Fun!

Yes! Marge is a winner again.

Thanks for watching everyone, join us next week for another edition of “You’re Too Old to Remember Shit ".

Gold Star Monday

I'm giving out gold stars to some very special people:

The Mighty Johns

The other day I watched a movie called Invisible Invaders. It was made in 1959 starring B movie stalwart John Agar and some other "so-you-think-you’re-an-actor" actors. I love these 1950s sci if movies. There's something about them that speaks to me, but let's be honest, on a competence level these are adults working at about a 3rd grade level.

This blog contains spoilers so if you were planning on watching this masterpiece on a special occasion in your warm pajamas with some soft brie cheese and a box of your favorite wine, stop reading NOW.

Invisible Invaders tells the heart warming story of a race of aliens that took over Earth's moon and now live there. Earthlings, with their rockets and nuclear bombs and easy bake ovens have become too advanced so they decide to conquer us. This is all told in one dull blob of exposition by one of the aliens to an Earth scientist. The alien is actually invisible but it inhabits the dead body of a scientist who’s played by John “I briefly had a respectable career” Carradine. The alien gives the scientist 24 hours to convince the world to surrender or be destroyed.

For some reason we humans refused to believe there were ancient invisible aliens living on the moon who wanted to enslave us. Go figure. The invasion begins with the aliens inhabiting dead bodies to wreak havoc on the world. They do this by setting fires and blowing up bridges and buildings. This being a film shot on a budget of $85 and a can of cheeseballs, this is all shown as zombies walking slowly on a sound stage followed by cut-in stock footage of firemen fighting a blaze or something blowing up. This movie is only 68 minutes long and 15-20 minutes is borrowed from other sources. The same images are used repeatedly. Intense, quality film making.

Something that bothered me was why they needed to inhabit the bodies at all. The John Carradine alien made a huge deal about them being invisible, so why make themselves visible? Why not pull all of your shenanigans while invisible? No explanation is given for this little question.

Eventually John Agar’s army major and two scientists end up locked in a military facility to protect themselves from the radioactive alien zombies. The scientists are tasked with finding a way to fight the aliens. The smarter of the two (and that’s not saying much since the other one has the IQ of a sea anemone) needs to study one of the aliens but that means capturing one. To engage this plan, John Agar needs to go outside among the radioactivity so he dons his protective suit which is a pair of painters’ pants and a bee keepers’ mask.

The first attempt to catch an alien goes awry so a second attempt is made. Agar has to take the dumber scientist out with him. When the doctor protests that there’s only one radiation suit, Agar assures him that the cab of the truck will protect him. I was expecting a thick, heavy military vehicle with a lead-lined cab. Nope, it’s Grandpa’s pick-up truck, the one he uses to transport the chickens to market. And let’s say for argument’s sake it does protect you from radiation, when Agar opens the door to get out, aren’t you now negating the protection by allowing radiation inside? Yes. Yes, you are.

The movie goes on for a while longer, ends abruptly and stupidly with more useless stock footage and sub plots never resolved. The important thing to remember though is that after the inevitable nuclear holocaust, the earth will be repopulated by the only survivors: painters, bee keepers and Ford F-150 owners. Very sad.

Not Ready for NPR

Now that Car Talk is ending on NPR I figure they will be looking for replacement shows. This is my first attempt called Bad Movie Talk.

CO: Welcome to Bad Movie Talk.

Caller 1: Thanks. This is Brad from Demoines, Iowa. I have a date this weekend and I want to rent a bad movie. What should I go with?

CO: Except for Pelican Brief and Ocean’s 11, anything with Julia Roberts in it. The movie is guaranteed to be at the very least cloying and irritating but your date will love it because chicks dig Julia. Next caller.

Caller 2: Hi, this is Denise from Overland Park Kansas. My boyfriend wanted to prove to me that Adam Sandler could make anything funny so we rented Punch Drunk Love. I didn’t get it.

CO: First off, your boyfriend’s an idiot. Punch Drunk Love is not a comedy, not that any movie Sandler is in is funny but PDL was meant to be a drama. This was Sandler’s attempt to show the world he could do more than fart jokes, but he failed. The movie is awful. Next caller.

Caller 3: Greetings. My name is Howard Loveland and I am from Bozeman Montana.

CO: What can I do for you Howard?

Caller 3: I am a very dull person and I like dull things, such as the Weather Channel and the music of Kenny G. Could you recommend a movie that will bore the life out of me?

CO: Howard my friend, get ready to feel like you’re under sedation when you rent and play The Brown Bunny. The first ten minutes is nothing but a motorcycle race which you watch from a distance as if you were in the stands so you can’t even tell what the hell is going on. Then we get to see the racer put his bike in his van and drive away. I hope you like the view of the open road from the front of a van because you get 30-40 minutes of it in The Brown Bunny. And don’t worry about following the plot Howard. There isn’t one! Next caller.

Caller 4: This is Janine from Sacramento. I don’t like science fiction but my young son loves it. Is there a sci-fi movie I could show him that would kill his love of the genre?

CO: Actually there are any number of films that would fit the bill Janine but I’m going to recommend one from 1956 called Fire Maidens of Outer Space. A bunch of astronauts go on a mission to the 13th moon of Jupiter and find the lost civilization of Atlantis thriving there. Sound stupid? It is! The rest of the movie is people talking, girls dancing badly and a “monster” that is supposed to frighten you but just makes you feel sad for the actor that had to play him.

I’m also developing other shows called Let’s Talk Condiments, Everyone Loves Air Conditioning, and How Many Things Taste Better with Salt?

Saturday Afternoon at the Movies

I don’t go to a lot of movies because the price to get in to see Michael Bay’s latest orgy of CGI and tin-eared dialog is usually more than the GNP of Paraguay. But last week I found out just how bad things had gotten at my local theater. My brother and I both wanted to see Cowboys and Aliens and I had a $25 gift card. We planned to go at a matinee time slot so I figured my card would get us both into the movie and get us something from the snack bar. I can hear you laughing.

I ordered our tickets and handed over my gift card. The girl behind the glass looked at it, chuckled and yelled to the girl next to her, “Hey Charlene, these guys think this gift card will get them into the movie.” Charlene replied, “Aww, that’s cute.” I felt something poke me in the back and when I turned there was a mountain standing behind me.

“This is Salvatore,” the girl behind the glass said. “He’ll take you to the Regal Cinemas Financing Room. Thank you and enjoy the movie.” Mt. Kilimanjaro led my brother and me into a small room that contained a desk and another swarthy gentleman with the name tag “Vincent”. Vincent dropped a brick of money onto the desk.

“Dis is da getting’ in money for da movie. Youse will pays it back in 24 hours plus da juice.”

“Juice?” I asked.

“17 percent. Five o’clock tomorra.”

I was still a little hazy on “juice” but before I could ask again, Salvatore picked us up like dolls and carried us to the snack bar. He dropped us and then returned to the theater entrance where three Sherpa’s we were waiting to lead an expedition up his south face to set up base camp at his knees.

Tentatively I approached the girl behind the counter. “I have $12, what can I get for that?” I asked. “Here you go,” she replied cheerfully while handing me a straw. I looked over at my brother who, for his money, had received a palm full of melted butter.

“If you want something to go with that,” the girl continued, “here is the Regal Cinemas Snack Bar Bartering List.” I took the paper and we read:

What You Want to Order // What you Have to Give

1 small soda and small popcorn – sperm
1 medium soda and medium popcorn – plasma
1 large soda and large popcorn – bone marrow
1 large soda and large popcorn with assorted candy – kidney

We were hooked up by a very nice nurse named Peggy and gave our pint of blood for which we received our medium soda and popcorn. As we left the Regal Cinemas Infirmary a man was being prepped for kidney removal. He looked at us and said, “I just can’t enjoy a movie without my Jujubes.” The on-call surgeon looked a lot like the guy I had seen sweeping up popcorn and rat feces from the lobby floor.

The movie was good, we both enjoyed it, but I don’t think I’ll be going back to the cinema for a while. I’m still feeling kind of lightheaded.

Really Getting to Know Your Friends

By now we’ve all received an email at least once titled something like “Get to Know Your Friends”. You’re given a list of 10-30 questions asking you things like ‘what are you wearing right now’, ‘what are you listening to right now’ ‘what is your favorite day of the week’ and ‘where were you born’. These questions are fine, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but they lack the things I want to know about my friends. I’ve written my own list of ‘Get to Know Your Friends’ questions:

1. If you started a rock band, what would its name be?
2. Let’s talk pickles: sliced, spears or whole?
3. What’s the best book you’ve ever read?
4. You’ve been on death row for 13 years. Finally the fateful day has arrived: your execution. What will you order for your last meal?
5. If you were in a sitcom would you be:
a. the plucky single parent
b. the wacky next door neighbor
c. the douchebag ex
d. the annoyingly cute young child
e. the unbelievably stupid best friend
f. other—give a description
6. What song would you like to hear on the radio that you never hear anymore?
7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
8. When you’re at work, how much time do you waste each day just staring into space wondering what your life would be like if you won the lottery?
9. It’s 3 a.m. on a Tuesday and an alien invasion begins. The first thing you do is:
a. scream
b. call the police
c. piss your pants
d. shit your pants
e. piss and shit your pants
f. look to the sky and beg the aliens to take you with them
g. lock the door, make something to eat and watch another re-run of Law and Order
10. Close your left eye, put 2 fingers from your right hand on your nose, wave with your left hand and stomp the floor with your right foot. How stupid do you think you look right now?
11. If you founded a country, what would your flag look like?
12. The dead have risen from their graves and are feeding on your neighbors. Do you:
a. scream
b. call the police
c. piss your pants
d. shit your pants
e. piss and shit your pants
f. join in because you enjoy a good nosh
g. start killing zombies like you’re in a video game all the while proclaiming yourself “King Zombie Slayer”
h. start cooking yourself in a garlic sauce to prepare for when they get to your house.
13. What song, book or movie do you love but everyone else seems to hate?
14. Go to the first closed door in your home, open it and describe what you see.
15. If you were a circus freak, what would your abnormality be?

Send this out to exactly 130 of your closest friends. If you only send it to 129, a virus will be released that converts all your documents to Mandarin Chinese characters. If you send it to 131, then may God have mercy on your soul.

Let's All Go to the Movies

I was watching a few minutes of Star Wars Episode 2 on TV yesterday. Episode 2 is subtitled “Attack of the Clones” and I started thinking that these sequels should actually have subtitles that more accurately describe the movie. This would help movie goers know whether they should bother seeing the sequel. I’ve written some suggestions for already existing films:

Star Wars Episode 1: The Beginning of the End
Star Wars Episode 2: Ruining the Franchise
Star Wars Episode 3: Too Painful to Watch Any Longer
Rambo 2: Less Dialogue, More Killing
Rambo 3: Plot? What plot?
Spiderman 2: 100% Less Willem Dafoe
Spiderman 3: Look How Much Money We Spent
Speed 2: A Boat? Really?
Friday the 13th part 10: We Found a Way to Get Jason into Space, What More Do You Want?
Aliens: The Plural “S” Says it All
Transformers 2: BIGGER, LOUDER, DUMBER
Highlander 2: They’re Aliens! Bet You Didn’t See That Twist Coming
Highlander 3: Their Can Be Only . . . 2 . . . ‘Cause We Found Another One
Highlander 4: No One is Watching Anymore, Are They?
Star Trek 2: Scenery Chewing 101 by Ricardo Montalban
Star Trek 3: Search for Fan Appeasement
Star Trek 4: Goin’ for the Funny
Star Trek 5: Shatner Directs, ‘Nuff Said
Star Trek 6: Hey, This One is Pretty Good
Star Trek 7: The First One With the Bald Guy

Digiview Productions Thinks They're My Mother

When you’re a heterosexual male like myself and you’re watching a bad movie, at some point you inevitably think “the only thing that can save this film is if it has female nudity”. Now imagine that as you’re watching, the clouds suddenly part, a brilliant light shines into your living room and a choir of angels serenades you with a canticle signaling God has granted your wish: a beautiful naked woman appears on screen.

But something is wrong. A frisson of doubt passes over your now clammy skin. As you stare at your TV you realize that all of the “naughty bits” or “good parts” or “t & a” or “the unmentionables” or “the twins” are blurred out. Instead of a pair of breasts winking at you, you see an undulating square of color that seems to repeat in a mechanized voice, “denied, denied, denied”, thus making this the single worst movie watching experience of your life, even worse than having to sit through anything with Julia Roberts in it.

A few weeks ago I was watching a 70s martial arts movie called The Bodyguard starring Sonny Chiba. Quick review: dull, confusing, bad fight scenes. The movie just happens to have several scenes of topless women in it which were blurred out by Digiview Productions, the company that packaged and sold the movie. Apparently, Digiview thinks they’re my mother.

Did I need to see the exposed breasts? No. I Wanted to, but didn’t need to. Were they going to change my opinion of the movie? No, the movie was bad start to finish with or without naked women.

My problem is with the censorship. Any creative endeavor be it a novel, a painting, a sculpture, a movie, a song, whatever; needs to be controlled by the artist. The artist decides how they want their piece to look, sound or read. We as the patrons then decide on a personal level whether we like it, dislike it, are offended or don’t care. Digiview Productions doesn’t have the right to decide what is acceptable to the general public. You could argue that The Bodyguard doesn’t have any artistic value so it doesn’t matter. It was a grind house exploitation flick filled with violence and nudity merely to titillate. But I think it does matter. It was still the film maker’s decision as to what went on the screen. Digiview Productions is no one’s moral compass, nor arbiters of artistic expression.

In fact, let’s look at some other points of the movie that Digiview didn’t have a problem with. There are expletives in the film, including a few F-bombs, but they aren’t edited out. There are many fight scenes including one where a man’s upper arm is shot by so many bullets his arm actually tears off and he stumbles away spurting blood everywhere, Again, Digiview found this to be acceptable. So hitting, kicking, swearing, shooting, stabbing, torture, and murder are all a-ok, but a naked woman? Get thee behind me Satan! Digiview, if you don’t like naked women in movies you should have chosen another film to distribute.

Don’t try to think for me; I’m smarter than you, I can handle it myself. Don’t try to be my moral guide; considering what you find acceptable versus what you don’t, I’m better off following the philosophical teachings of my cat. Don’t put yourself on a pedestal; your movies are being sold at a dollar store for 50 cents and that’s what I think you’re censorship policy is worth.