Mitch McConnell Hates You

The Fix-Is-In News interviewed Mitch “Huckleberry” McConnell about the Affordable Health Care Act and Mitch earned his stripes yet again as one of the world’s leading douche bags. When asked how the republicans would provide health care coverage to approximately 30 million Americans if they repeal the act, McConnell said “that is not the issue”. I think there are a few people who would disagree with that statement.

Mitch McConnell: 30 million uninsured Americans is not the issue.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Yeah, to us it kind of is the issue.

Mitch McConnell: But I’m not you. I’m white, rich and powerful.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: How are we supposed to afford medicine when our children are sick?

Mitch McConnell: All I know is that I get my Viagra for free. I mean, the wife won’t touch my gray, decrepit body but it’s still nice to feel the general salute once in a while.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Eww. What does that have to do with the people you propose to represent not being able to afford to go to a doctor?

Mitch McConnell: Good God people I’m a republican politician. How many ways can I say I don’t care?

30 Million Uninsured Americans: We want to go to the doctor too!

Mitch McConnell:  And I want my face to stop sliding down my skull like Droopy Dog but it ain’t gonna happen.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Why are you such a dick?

Mitch McConnell: *sigh*  Rich, white, powerful, republican: I’ve been over all this already. Work with me people.

30 Million Uninsured Americans:  You were quoted as saying America already has the best health care system in the world. 30 million uninsured, people traveling over the border into Canada and Mexico to buy drugs they can’t afford to buy here, people going to other countries to get operations they can’t pay for here: How can you say our system is the best?

Mitch McConnell: Every senator and congressman and their families covered for life for free. I’m good.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: The Affordable care act will prohibit insurance companies from excluding people with pre-existing conditions. Your answer is that the states can handle these people, but only 35 states have a program like this in place. What about Americans living in the other 15 states?

Mitch McConnell: Sucks to be them.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: The states that do have these programs have high premiums, long waiting periods and won’t cover all procedures. How does this help anyone?

Mitch McConnell: I’m not here to help. I exist only to coast through life on the backs of people like you who didn’t think ahead and become a senator in a country whose political system is the only machine more screwed up than its health care system.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: You suck.

Mitch McConnell: Boo hoo. I’m gonna go take a dump and use a copy of that Supreme Court decision to wipe my boney ass.

Things You Don't Hear Every Day

“You can never have too many pickles.” That’s a phrase you don’t hear too often. Sure, you may encounter a mountain of a man at the local market one Saturday buying a 55-gallon drum of industrial dills swimming in an ocean of brine and hear him opine, “You can never have too many pickles, that’s my philosophy.” But unless this man is your uncle Skeeter who lives in your grandparent’s root cellar with his collection of dungball matrushka dolls, you’re not likely to hear the phrase again in your lifetime.

Another sentence you’re not going to hear uttered too many times is, “After the nitro-burning diarrhea it gave me, I won’t be eating at Tia Juanita’s Explosive Bowel Movement Café again.” There are several reasons you won’t be privy to this comment. First, I don’t know if a restaurant by this name actually exists. If it does, I’d guess it to be in Tucson or San Antonio or possibly Hell. Second, you would think the name of the establishment would be a tip off for any unsuspecting patrons. The speaker of this line would have to be incredibly stupid. My conclusion is that unless you know someone who is, or are yourself, as dumb as a VH1 reality-show contestant, you will never hear this phrase.

Watching TV the other day I would have been stunned to hear the news reader say, “Republican party leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell made cogent remarks today about something President Obama said.” Again there are multiple reasons why you will never hear this said. John Boehner, representative from Ohio, is orange. Seriously, check out a picture. The man’s skin is orange. It’s impossible to listen to a six foot carrot speak about domestic policy and take it seriously. Mitch McConnell, senator from Kentucky, is a gainsayer. He has never had a thought roam through his decaying brain beyond, “listen to what the democrat says, then say the opposite.” This idea has been squatting in Mitch’s brain so long it has taken root like an unrestrained dandelion, its tendrils reaching down into his brain stem.

Finally, one last phrase you will never hear: “this blog made perfect sense and really made me think”. Never gonna happen.

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar