Crybaby

John Boehner, republican congressman from Ohio, is the current house minority leader and in 2011 he will be the house majority leader. He is also a giant, orange dick. Of course you knew that as soon as you read he was a republican. Sorry for being redundant. Mr. Boehner has promised his constituency of inbred tadpoles that he will not compromise with President Obama and the democrats when the republicans take over the leadership of the house and to show you how serious he is, he cried. Because you know . . . (sniff) he just (sob) . . . loves this country so much (boo hoo) . . . and his cushy . . . (wahh) do-nothing job . . . (oh mommy) with the exorbitant salary (I need a tissue) and free healthcare for life (waaaa) and lobbyist money buried in the root cellar with the apricot preserves (please don’t take away my government job; I have no marketable skills).

I have butchered the words to a good song as an anti-homage to John Boehner, a man I have absolutely no respect for and would wish into a job shoveling pig shit at a hog farm if I could:

Sung to the tune of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKqO0FeaCFQ

Well I won’t compromise
No I reject the word
You can make fun of my tan and make me cry
But I won’t compromise

No I’ll do what I want, won’t listen to anyone
And I’ll keep the voters from draggin’ me down
Gonna do what I want
… and I won’t compromise

Chorus:
(I won’t compromise)
Hey GOP, soon we’ll be in control
(and I won’t compromise)
Hey I’ll stick to being a shitty troll
and I won’t compromise

Well I know I suck, you want to hit me with your truck,
It’s an F-150 with tires twice my size
But I’ll keep on tellin’ my lies
… and I won’t compromise

Repeat chorus

Things You Don't Hear Every Day

“You can never have too many pickles.” That’s a phrase you don’t hear too often. Sure, you may encounter a mountain of a man at the local market one Saturday buying a 55-gallon drum of industrial dills swimming in an ocean of brine and hear him opine, “You can never have too many pickles, that’s my philosophy.” But unless this man is your uncle Skeeter who lives in your grandparent’s root cellar with his collection of dungball matrushka dolls, you’re not likely to hear the phrase again in your lifetime.

Another sentence you’re not going to hear uttered too many times is, “After the nitro-burning diarrhea it gave me, I won’t be eating at Tia Juanita’s Explosive Bowel Movement Café again.” There are several reasons you won’t be privy to this comment. First, I don’t know if a restaurant by this name actually exists. If it does, I’d guess it to be in Tucson or San Antonio or possibly Hell. Second, you would think the name of the establishment would be a tip off for any unsuspecting patrons. The speaker of this line would have to be incredibly stupid. My conclusion is that unless you know someone who is, or are yourself, as dumb as a VH1 reality-show contestant, you will never hear this phrase.

Watching TV the other day I would have been stunned to hear the news reader say, “Republican party leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell made cogent remarks today about something President Obama said.” Again there are multiple reasons why you will never hear this said. John Boehner, representative from Ohio, is orange. Seriously, check out a picture. The man’s skin is orange. It’s impossible to listen to a six foot carrot speak about domestic policy and take it seriously. Mitch McConnell, senator from Kentucky, is a gainsayer. He has never had a thought roam through his decaying brain beyond, “listen to what the democrat says, then say the opposite.” This idea has been squatting in Mitch’s brain so long it has taken root like an unrestrained dandelion, its tendrils reaching down into his brain stem.

Finally, one last phrase you will never hear: “this blog made perfect sense and really made me think”. Never gonna happen.

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar