Bored at Work

I was bored at work one day this week so I wrote my name down and assigned each letter a number. I ended up with:

3, 7, 17, 8, 18

I added them together for 53. I multiplied them for a total of 51,408. When I subtracted each digit I got -47 and when using division ended up with .000024. I then added all the numbers together for a total of 51414.000024. Using my assigned number system and the word “zero” to stand in for the 4 zeroes I gave myself a new identity: Eadad Zerobd. Don’t ask me how to pronounce my new last name because I don’t know. I then proceeded to create a back story for the new me:

Eadad Zerobd, originally born in Lithuania, left his home country when he was thirteen as a member of the Lithuanian National Circus. Starting out as an acrobat, after a ruptured spleen and a large bruise in the shape of the Strait of Hormuz, he was transferred to toe nail clipper for the elephants. He formed a quick friendship with “Peanut”, a 12 ton Asian bull elephant. One evening in Brussels at a pub called “A Place to Get Drunk” after too many Belgian Blam Blams, Eadad and Peanut went on a rampage through the city streets, destroying cars, buildings and killing two Finnish tourists.

Afraid to go to jail, Eadad disguised himself as a Frenchman by carrying a loaf of bread everywhere he went and smelling like cheese. After a few months he stowed away on a ship carrying scrap metal to New York harbor in the United States. Unfortunately the ship’s name was Harbinger of Doom and Eadad was found hiding in a sack of potatoes in the kitchen. He was thrown overboard. It looked like the end of the line for Eadad until he was taken in by a pod of humpback whales.

The whales created a blowhole in Eadad’s back, taught him to breech and how to consume a ton of krill every day. It was an amazing life in the water. Eadad was sorry to leave his cetacean friends but he had ballooned to 456 pounds from all the krill and could barely breathe much less swim. He came ashore and started walking on the beach to lose weight while living in the burned out body of an ’87 Impala and eating discarded tacos from the dumpster at Loco Flacco’s Taco Hell.

Even after he had lost the extra weight, Eadad continued walking, finally ending up in Pennsylvania. He took a job as a state representative and lives comfortably off of kickbacks from the bagel, croissant and muffin consortium.

Yep, sure was boring that day at work.

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar