Newt Gingrich Keeps Rolling Along . . . Off a Cliff

Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign is the gift that just keeps on giving, like a bottomless bowl of fettuccine Alfredo. I don’t really want to keep writing about him because he’s such a narcissistic buffoon, but he keeps making news for the dumbest shit. His campaign went off the rails months ago. It’s lying in a ditch somewhere in Kentucky, the corpse being picked over by rangy, stray dogs and families of possums. But the Newtman will not give up.

His latest explanation of why his candidacy isn’t dead is that he has more Twitter followers than any of the other republican hopefuls thus proving his popularity. Now I’m already on record as believing that Twitter may be the stupidest invention ever. It tops even the Thigh Master and the Salad Shooter in my book. But celebrities, athletes and other people who can’t stop talking about themselves seem to enjoy it. Newt has 1.3 million followers and I guess the closest to him is Sarah Palin with 600,000. So you can see how this makes Newt a viable candidate. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Somewhere in Newt’s delusional cerebellum it all makes sense. It’s mixed up with memories of his mother telling him he’ll be the first amphibian to become president. This week, however, there was a story on the website Gawker that has thrown cold, bacteria-infested, New Jersey swamp water all over Newt’s specious logic.

A former Newt Gingrich campaign worker says that most of his twitter army . . . is fake. Much like thousands of voters in a Chicago mayoral election, they don’t exist. Newt paid a company to create thousands of false twitter accounts to fluff up his numbers and make it look like he was the populist candidate. Gawker rightfully pointed out that this hadn’t been proven yet; it was just the word of a former employee.

The next day though they had a follow-up story about a web site called PeekYou who had already investigated this claim and determined that indeed, 92% of Newt’s followers on Twitter had fake names or were inactive. This number coincides with my own findings that 92% of Newt’s ideas are worthless crap.

I’m assuming that Newt will continue his amoeba-like existence, re-forming his campaign around whatever new concept his plasticized wife whispers into his hirsute ear while he files corns off of her feet and Fox News plays in the background with the sound turned down. So while I’d rather write about my latest trip to Office Max or something else stupid I’ve done, Newt could make his triumphant return at any time. You’ve been warned.

How Many Tweets Could a Tweeter Tweet if a Tweeter Could Tweet Tweets

I’m not on Twitter. I do not tweet. No offense to those that do, it just seems like another way for celebrities and faux-celebrities to spew their diarrhetic thoughts out into the ether and foul up the atmosphere. While trapped inside my home during the second 2 foot plus snow storm in 4 days I did wonder what I would tweet were I to use Twitter. So I imagined myself with an account and what follows are a sampling of what the world is missing with me not being a tweeter or a twit or a twither or whatever:

just got up—life pretty much the same as yesterday

I’m scratching parts of my body I didn’t know could itch

took my morning dump—WTH did I eat last night? can’t breathe—losing consciousness

made it to the shower—water woke me up—feeling much better

tweeting from the shower—soap eye—ct c xbds cfrub

out of shower—eye very red and swollen but ok

just read Ashton Kutcher’s latest tweet—didn’t anyone tell him 70s show cancelled—can stop being moron

where is my cheese log?

found it!

Why are congressman and senators tweeting? Shouldn’t they be, oh I don’t know, creating jobs, fixing healthcare, ending the recession, ending the war, banging their pages, taking kickbacks, etc.

Apparently Glenn Beck tweets. As bloated and pasty as he looks on TV I’ll bet he tweets a lot. Tweets, toots, farts, sharts, shits, shoots, lets

There’s just not enough time in the day to count all my paper clips

Is it unhealthy to think about Kate Beckinsale for more than 2 hours a day?

As you can see the world is better off without me being on twitter. I’ll just keep writing this ridiculous blog doing my part to clog the internet with crap.