Stealth Mitt

The Romney campaign announced today a new strategy their calling “Stealth Mitt”. According to spokesman Ronald McDonald, the plan is for Mitt to disappear. No more speeches, promotions, appearances or press conferences. “We want to play to Mitt’s strength’s,” McDonald said. “His biggest asset is not saying anything. Silence is Mitt Romney’s secret weapon.”

From now on, the campaign said in a press release, no matter what happens in the world, regardless of the severity of the incident, Mitt Romney will have no comment. Assistant communications director of the Romney camp, Bozo Theclown, said “Mr. Romney keeping his thoughts to himself is what’s best for the country. Let the Democrats keep yapping. We’re on lockdown until the election.”

Asked what they’re going to do about the scheduled debates, assistant to the assistant campaign director Michael Scott had this to say, “Uh oh. I mean, of course Mr. Romney will be allowed to, uh, what I mean to say is, future president Romney will be speaking at the debates. Yes.”

Romney’s top policy advisor, Ass Hat, is said to have been the architect of the new strategy. Mr. Hat refused comment for this article but assistant policy maker Barnum Bailey told us “We have every confidence in Mitt Romney to win the presidency. But it’s our job to make the task smooth for him and keeping Mitt out of the public eye is easier for everyone concerned.”

Obviously it remains to be seen whether this new strategy works for the republican candidate but the public seems to be all for it. In a poll conducted by Blind Dog Research, 57% of those asked were thrilled to not have to look or listen to Mr. Romney anymore. 23% were glad he wasn’t going to embarrass the human race any further. 11% asked “Who is Mitt Romney?” 3% wondered how hot dogs were made. 2% were angry they had missed voting in the election and then happy when told they hadn’t missed it, although most admitted they probably won’t vote anyway. 2% believe Mr. Romney looks like their uncle Floyd who they always found “nice, but kind of peculiar”. 1% asked to borrow $20 from the poll takers and 1% rapped their answers in undecipherable street slang.

Mitt Sings the Body Politic

New from Capitalist Pig Records its Mitt Romney Sings the Body Politic. 2 CDs filled with the best of Mitt. There’s his number 1 hit, “Poor People”:

Poor People sung to the tune of Randy Newman’s “Short People”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFmv22ghzQw

Poor People got no reason
Poor People got no reason
Poor People got no reason
To vote

They got dirty hands
Beady eyes
They walk around
not believin’ my lies
They got runny noses
And messed-up teeth
They wear worn-out shoes
On their socialized feet

Well, I don't want no poor People
Don't want no poor People
Don't want no poor People
`Round me

Also on CD number 1 there’s “It Ain’t Heavy, Its Foreign Policy”, “Place me Gently Jesus in the Soft Hands of Off-Shore Bank Accounts” and Mitt’s disco favorite “Stayin Alive (on Minimum Wage)”.

Leading off CD number 2 of this astounding collection is Mitt’s personal favorite, “47 Percent Freeloaders”.

47 Percent Freeloaders sung to the tune of Nena’s 99 Red Balloons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14IRDDnEPR4

You and I, in a hedge fund shop
Buy some stocks with the money we've got
invest them ‘til the break of dawn
Now we’re rich, all the moochers are gone

Back at home, losers’ hands are out
Yell the message, "Give me what you got”
hot sun in the summer sky
47 percent freeloaders go by

47 percent freeloaders
encouraged by the do-gooders
red alert red alert
They’re trying to escape from the dirt

The socialism machine springs to life
trying to cause trouble and strife
no love or respect
47 percent freeloaders expect, expect, expect

When I’m the president of this country
the rich won’t have to worry
everything I do will be for them
Thank God I’m not a Dem

CD 2 is filled with dozens more like “Severely Conservative” , “Let’s Take the Dog on Vacation”, “I Want Money” and “Imbecile”:

Imbecile sung to the tune of Super Freak by Rick James

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M

I’m a very stupid man, the kind you don't nominate for president
I will always let you down, once you get me in the spotlight
I like the boys on Wall street, they say I'm their all-time favorite
When I make my move to the White House
I’ll be impossible to please
I’m pretty boring now (I’m an imbecile)
The kind of man you read about (in the Wall Street Journal)
I’m stiff as a board (I’m an imbecile)
I’m a disappointment (to everyone I meet)
I’m all right, I’m all right, I’m all right with Ann, yeah, he-he-he
I’m an imbecile, imbecile, I’m super-dumb, yeow
Everybody sing, imbecile, imbecile

Mitt Sings the Body Politic, available now wherever fake recordings are sold!

Mitt Romney's Haikus for the Middle Class

I don’t care for you

Never have and never will

I suck hard and long

You love our handouts

Can’t you get a job you bums

Vote for me I’m cool

The forty seven

Bonded by hatred for me

I’m still rich thank God

Mitt Mitt Mitt Mitt Mitt

I love the sound of my name

President Mitt yeah

Money I have lots

Money you have none oh well

I’m okay with that

Freeloaders you are

Poor people make me itchy

I scratch with gold bars

I don’t care hear me

It doesn’t affect my day

No soul to disturb

I don’t make mistakes

Never say I’m sorry no

Poor people suck it

When I’m president

The world will suffer badly

I’ll be in Cayman’s

Poor people can ride

Atop my car like Seamus

Then I can’t see you

No taxes for rich

No taxes for me and Ann

Give me your money

Lapdog

Here Mittens, here boy. Come on, where are you Mittens?

I’m right here.

Ok, come on boy, over here to the far right.

I’m actually comfortable where I am.

No, no. Remember, you said you were “severely” conservative. Now get over here before I smack your nose with the constitution.

I really don’t want to change my positions.

You’re not serious are you? You change positions every day. You flip and flop like a trout on the bottom of a fishing boat. Besides, if you want to be president you’ll do what you’re told. Here, read the party platform.

This . . . is . . . horrifying.

Yeah, it’s good stuff. We had some young, female delegates who objected to a bit of the language but we told them to shut up and bake some cookies. I love cookies. Anyway, the Republican Party isn’t about youth or women; it’s about old, rich, white men. Like you.

I’m not that rich . . .

And I’m not a liberal journalist so don’t try to sell me cow shit and say it’s mud pie.

Huh?

Son, we didn’t choose you as our candidate because we like you or think you can win or because we believe in you. We chose you because we had to pick someone . . . and . . . you were there. You’re like Mt. Everest. Why will people vote for you? Because you’re there.

But my ideas . . .

The less said about them the better. Mum’s the word. Now I’m going to roll the party platform up into a tube and tie it up with strips of flesh from the working class. Then I’m going to throw it and you’re going to fetch.

I have a fundraiser to get to . . .

Fetch Mittens! Come on boy; bring the toy back to your master. That’s a good boy, who’s a good boy?

An Election Elegy

Now that Mittens Romney has chosen his VP candidate in Paul Ryan, people keep asking me what I think of Ryan. Hmm. He wants to privatize social security which in my opinion is one of the most destructive ideas a politician has ever come up with. He wants to get rid of Medicare which would injure my mother and every other poor to middle class senior citizen in the country. His budget, which other republicans eat up like chocolate pudding, has been called by most economic experts “unworkable” and “a fantasy”.

So, what do I think of Ryan? As I construct my answer I realize even I can’t say that many swear words in a row and feel good about myself. He is, in a nutshell, someone I will never understand in a million years. Maybe it’s because I’m not rich, but I can’t not care about the vast majority of the American population the way Ryan and Romney don’t. They’re liars and deceivers. I don’t know how anyone cannot see that.

Mitt Romney made $20 million last year and technically didn’t have a job. His wife goes on campaign stops filled with run-of-the-mill working class people and wears a $900 shirt. How do these people who are cheering for him not vomit all over his designer shoes?

There is a hue and cry for Romney to release his taxes. We don’t need to see them. We already know he has off shore accounts in the Cayman Islands. He’s a tax cheat. There is no reason to have accounts in the Caymans other than to cheat the taxman. Again, explain to me how republican voters aren’t incensed by this. Why would you vote for this man?

In the 2008 Democratic primary I voted for Hillary Clinton. I did not believe Obama had enough experience and should have waited to run for president. When he won the primary I voted for him. I didn’t drink the Kool Aid of hope and ‘yes we can’, I just knew I couldn’t vote for the politician John McCain had become. In 2000 I would have crossed my party and voted for McCain had he won his party’s nomination. But in 2008 he was a different candidate, a desperate one with no original ideas left. So I voted for Obama. Once again I had essentially voted for the lesser of two evils instead of someone I really believed in.

If I had to grade Obama I’d give him a C for his first term. I don’t think the Affordable Care Act is perfect but at least he did something. He seems to have surrounded himself with a cabinet of functionaries, but not visionaries. He didn’t listen to the leading economists about the short comings of his stimulus package and here we are four years later in very much the same swamp of unemployment, high gas and food prices and zero confidence that we are elevating, not descending. I am supportive of his general ideas but his methods of implementing them are not working.

In November I will once again vote for Obama because I don’t have a choice. Mitt Romney has only one idea and that’s to make sure he stays rich. The man can’t think on his feet and his over seas trip recently proved he was even more inept at foreign policy than Sarah Palin. I wonder if he can see Europe from Massachusetts?

Oh, That Mitt

We interrupt this episode of “Idiots Doing Stupid Shit in Front of a Camera and Braying like Jackasses” for this special report. We go now live to correspondent Cueball Bumbersnoot. Cueball?

“Thank you Ferdinand. I am standing outside of Republican headquarters here in Washington D.C. where we have received word that Mitt Romney has said something stupid. We do not, I repeat, do not yet know what he said, but my sources say it was quite ignorant. As I speak we have people behind the scenes trying to verify just how stupid the remark was in comparison to other dopey things the presidential nominee has said like when he said “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs.” You can imagine how cumbersome an undertaking this is considering the many absolutely asinine things Mr. Romney has uttered over the last few months such as “I like being able to fire people.”

Cueball, this is Ferdinand Magellan in the studio again, can you tell the listeners where Mr. Romney was when he made his latest gaffe?

“I can’t Ferdinand. Unfortunately we are only minutes into this scandal and it appears that in a desperate grab for ratings we have gone on the air woefully unprepared.”

It’s been well documented that he’s made a gaffe at nearly every campaign event this election cycle like when he said “Corporations are people.”

“That’s true Ferdy. It’s very hard for Mr. Romney to open his mouth without making a ridiculous statement and when he doesn’t; his wife complies with one of her own.”

Isn’t it also true that Mr. Romney’s surrogates have made missteps, such as the etch-a-sketch incident?

“Yes Ferd, that’s right. We do have good information that this time it is in fact Mr. Romney himself who has put his foot in his mouth, Oxford dress shoe and all. I am hearing now that although we don’t have the exact quote it is being called dumber than when he said “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America  millions of Americans believe in.” but not as bad as when he said “I am not concerned about the very poor.”

Any idea when you will have details, Cueball?

No idea at all Ferdman. As I said, we ran with this story way too soon. I shouldn’t even be on the air right now.

Thank you Cueball Bumbersnoot. We now return to our regularly scheduled program, “Morons on Parade.”

Hello Cleveland!

Hello Cleveland! Are you ready to rock?

Please welcome to the stage our opening act for this evening’s show, The Vice Presidents

How are you America? We are the Vice Presidents so let me introduce the band: on drums we have Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey, on bass Paul Ryan, representative from Wisconsin, on guitar Bob McDannell, governor of Virginia and I’m your lead singer Marco Rubio, senator from Florida. Let’s rock!

(sung to the tune of Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr_uHJPUlO8&ob=av2e

What you’ve got you've got to give it to me right now
What you've got you've got to give it to one anyhow
What you’ve got you've got to give it to one of us
You do a little dance and then you make a deal with Jesus

What we've got you've got to use to your advantage
What we've got you've got to get it on the front page
What we've got you've got to know that its first rate
Reeling with the feeling take us on a first date

Realize we don't want to be the king yet
Confide with us and you'll have the ring set
Our blood is the key to your upset
How come everybody wanna keep you from the big jet

Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me now

Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me now

Thank you, Good night republican voters everywhere!

And now, please welcome to the amphitheater stage your headline act for the evening, straight from the great state of Massachusetts, its Mitt and the Romneys!

Hello people of Earth, I am Mitt Romney. I am here to rule you! Let us rock!

(sung to the tune of Mr. Roboto by Styx)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LjkC3eT6LA

You're wondering who I am
(personality, personality, I’ve got no personality)
Machine or mannequin
(policies, policies, I’ve got no policies)
With ideas pulled from a can
(humor, humor, I’ve got no sense of humor)
I am the your nominee man

I've got a secret,

I've been hiding

from the media
My heart is stone,

my blood is green
now it’s on Wikipedia

so if you hear me
flip flopping,

don't be surprised
I'm just a man who

needs someone
to vote for my side
To vote for my side,

just vote for my side
let's turn the tide

and vote for my side.

Thank you, republican voters, for disliking me less than the other candidates. Good night!

And the Voters Yawned

Soooo . . . Mitt Romney. We always knew it would be you. Right from the start all signs pointed to the Rombot with money to burn. Newt tried to make his case but we saw through him. Hell you can’t see AROUND him. Ba-dum-bum! Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

But seriously, the challengers tried their best to stop the Rombot that we affectionately call Mittens. Rick Santorum got some votes while his mouth was still closed. Then he opened it, again and again and again. And weirdly . . . people still voted for him. But in the end more punched their ballots for the clan O’Romney, with his wife by his side in her $1000 shirts, surrounded by their 6, 7, 8, 16 kids, whatever the true number is. They crowded around to try and make him look human.

In the end, the republican primary was about one thing: the people the republican voters wanted to run didn’t and the people they didn’t want to run did. Voter turnout in some states was as low as 5% because . . . no one cared. They looked at their choices and decided they’d rather stay home and watch an NCIS re-run while eating a bag of corn chips.

Now it’s Mitt time. Can you feel the excitement? Do you have general election fever? Do you have November 6 circled on the calendar? Have you been watching CSPAN non-stop? Are you hanging on every word out of David Gregory’s mouth on Meet the Press each week?

Election Fever! Catch it!

Hayride to Hell

Let’s look at the Republican primary tote board:

Santorum: too many
Romney: northern states and island protectorates
Gingrich: his home state and South Carolina
Paul: nothing

I get not voting for Romney. He only has other people’s ideas (and they’re all bad). He can’t think on his feet, he flip flops on issues in a matter of hours, he’s a terrible liar, a major-league panderer, tries too hard, looks like a middle school math teacher trying to be cool.

Gingrich is even easier not to vote for. The slime drips from his reptilian skin in buckets. He has a rich history of ineptitude, arrogance and, well, just being Newt.

That brings us to Santorum. Why oh why are people voting for him? It didn’t bother me when he “won” Iowa because its one state that puts too much importance on its vote. But he has continued to win states, continued to win delegates. This man is medieval. His presence on the national stage is a vile pronouncement to the world that we are a backward country who is willing to vote for a putrid piece of shit just because we don’t want to vote for the other guys who are running. Is that really the message we want to send?

A vote for Rick Santorum is a vote for the 13^th century. Ladies get ready to be silent, barefoot, and pregnant. Men, it’s back to an agrarian economy because Rick will kill the one we have now with a conservative approach so strangling economic growth will be measured in bales of hay.

It was all fun and games when a few mid-western iconoclasts decided to vote for the former Pennsylvania Senator. But now northern and southern voters alike are jumping on the slippery Santorum bandwagon. This is the hayride to hell where the government won’t lift a finger to help someone with a catastrophic illness pay their medical bills but a battalion of middle-aged white men want to know what’s going on inside of a woman’s vagina at all times.

I haven’t been completely happy with Obama’s performance as president, but when the general election is upon us and our only two choices are Obama and Santorum, and if we elevate Santorum? I don’t believe the phrase “may God have mercy on our souls” will be a strong enough prayer to protect us from our collective ignorance.

A Country Divided

It started with Iowa choosing Rick Santorum. The core of the earth shuddered at the seismic shift in ignorance. New Hampshire followed with a predictable win for Mitt Romney and there was calm.

South Carolina was next and the southern lords and ladies caused another disturbance in the force voting for dark lord of the Sith Newt Gingrich, whose fleshy jowls frightened undecided voters to pull the lever marked “racist adulterer”.

The scourge of every election, Florida, came up next and for the first time in decades the state was able to pull off a vote without court challenges, recounts or more than 10 % of the vote for Mickey Mouse. Mittens chalked up win number 2 and the Republican Party was officially taking the path of least resistance to Romneyland where everything changes, every day including opinions and election platforms. Speak into the microphone and tell Mitt what you want. He’ll prepare a speech just for you.

Everyone packed their bags and headed out west to Nevada. Each candidate put a chip down at the roulette table, the wheel spun round and round, the little white ball bounced, jumped and jived until it came up Romney. Mittens had win number 3. All was vanilla and pabulum with the world.

Tuesday, February 7, a day that will live in a small amount of infamy within certain factions of Mitt Romney’s campaign and the Republican Party at large. Three states holding a primary or caucus. All three are carried by the same person. A dark shadow, like a vulture gliding low over a dead raccoon in the middle of a residential street, passes over the country. Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri all fell to Rick Santorum.

Updated Scorecard:

Santorum 4
Romney 3
Gingrich 1
Paul 0

The Republican Party is a mess. They have no candidate running that a plurality of the voters wants. Their platforms and policies are a sad mixture of benefitting-only-the-rich tax modifications, couldn’t care less if the poor can afford health care and let’s allow the states to make their own laws on EVERYTHING. You want to give that kind of power to a state say, like Pennsylvania, who can’t even keep their roadways paved and whose capital city is $300 million in debt? Good idea.

Santorum suddenly has momentum and his ideas are the worst of all. He hates women, gays, poor people, non-Christians and apparently America because he’s forcing us to consider him a presidential candidate. If you’re not a rich, white, male, conservative Christian Rick Santorum has no time for you.

Personally I have no time for any of these losers but one of them just might be president in 2013. If that doesn’t shake you to the core of your being then you must a rich, white male conservative Christian-in-name-but-not-actions. We are a politically divided country and none of these mouth breathers is going to fix that.

Consolation Prizes

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show “Who Wants to be the Republican Nominee for President?” I’m your host Alex Trebek. Let’s meet our guests!

Our first contestant is a former speaker of the house from Georgia whose hobbies include racism and adultery: Newt Gingrich!

Next we have the former governor of Massachusetts whose favorite quote comes from rapper Fifty Cent, “Get rich or die tryin’”: Mitt Romney

Our third contestant believes in closed borders and closed minds: welcome wacky Ron Paul!

Finally, our fourth contestant is a former senator from the Keystone state whose campaign slogan is “Don’t Google me, bro”: Rick Santorum.

Now let’s welcome our moderator for the evening, Snoop Dogg!

“Hey, hey, it’s the d-o-g down with the G- O- P.”

Uh, all right . . . whatever that means, Snoop take it away with our first question.

“Yeah, listen up, why hasn’t the chronic been legalized?”

Newt: Chronic injuries and illnesses are the scourge of American prosperity. In my administration we will pass health care legislation that thoroughly covers all chronic sicknesses, unlike Mr. Romney’s plan.

Mitt: Will your plan also cover diseases passed on through extra-marital sex?

Newt: Cram it Richie Rich

Ron: The only “chronic” problem this country has is joining things: NATO, the United Nations, NAFTA, wars. It has to end.

Rick: I feel like I’m chronically misunderstood. That stuff on Google about me isn’t true!

“What are you white pastries talkin’ about? I want you to legalize pot.”

Newt: Never.

Mitt: Not a chance.

Ron: Maybe

Rick: No.

“Damn, the G-O-P is a bunch of S-O-Bs. I’m out. Peace”

All right, thank you to guest moderator Snoop Dogg. Now it’s the audience’s turn to participate. Push the button for the candidate of your choice.

And the results are in. The winner is . . . Mitch Daniels. Wait, Mitch Daniels isn’t running. Ladies and gentlemen you have to select one of our official candidates. Let’s try it again. Push those buttons!

And the winner is . . . Ronald Reagan. That’s it, I’m done. I’m going back to the green room and smoke a blunt with Snoop.

Good luck America!

That's Debatable

Chris Wallace of Fox News said yesterday that all these Republican debates were stupid. There have been so many that the moderators are having trouble finding new questions to ask. People, we shouldn’t need a Fox News broadcaster to tell us 19 debates are too many. This is an ability that should be inherent to all of us. There are babies being born right now who’s first thought while lying in their mother’s arms is “Really? 19 Republican debates? I’ve been in the womb for the last 9 months and I know Newt Gingrich is a dbag.”

The original field of candidates was transparent in their faults. As a society we didn’t require even one debate to know all we needed. Every time Michelle Bachman speaks the music from the shower scene in Psycho plays in our heads. The republican voters rightfully discarded her quickly in a field somewhere in Iowa. She’s probably preaching to the rats that the corn stalks are un-American and should be investigated by the department of agriculture.

Rick Perry? HE’S FROM TEXAS! Why would you need more? But for you stubborn folks out there, Rick decided to open his mouth . . . and forget what he was talking about mid-sentence, ending with a doofus grin and an “oops”. Imagine that scenario with Perry’s finger a half inch from the button that controls our arsenal of nuclear weapons. Whoo doggies!

Have we really learned anything new about Mitt Romney through 19 agonizing debates? He’s rich, he’s a Mormon, he will say anything to get the nomination, and he’s brainless. He’s Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and we saw the straw protruding from his scalp 4 years ago. Nothing’s changed. Call me when you find out he’s wearing ruby red pumps behind the podium.

Rick Santorum has been and always will be an ultra-conservative nightmare. All the debates have done is allowed a wider audience to hear the feces that leaks from his mouth. I would say that that was actually a good thing except someone listened and instead of phoning Pennsylvania and asking us to take him back, they VOTED for him. I’m looking in your direction Iowa.

Ron Paul is Ron Paul, always the outsider, which is strange because he has the pre-requisite racism needed to be a Republican politician along with the gutless denials of said racism. He wants to repeal the civil rights act, is an extreme isolationist and couldn’t give a shit if you can’t afford health insurance. It is a wonder he doesn’t garner more votes.

There are several more debates scheduled which is insanity. How many more times can Mitt Romney change his position on an issue before his head explodes. Actually, I’d watch that. Debate on, assholes.

Mittens

Barring something wild happening it looks like Mittens Mormon Flip-Flopper Plastic Man Elitist Millionaire No Common Sense Loves to Fire People The Candidate No One Really Wants Romney will win the Republican nomination for president. He’s already won the hearts and minds of a small percentage of Iowans and New Hampshirites and is now way out in front in early polling with an equally small percentage of South Carolinians. What are we to make of Mitt Romney?

Well, he smiles a lot. Every picture or video taken of him he has a giant, fake smile painted on his face, sort of like a clown without the makeup. It remains to be determined if he’s squirting seltzer down his pants, but my guess is ‘yes’.

He is an idiot. He passed some kind of health care reform in Massachusetts that very closely resembles what the Obama administration passed last year, but since most republicans don’t agree with it, Mittens has tried to deny what he did. That makes sense. I mean it’s not like they keep records of the legislation a state passes or that the governor has to sign documents or that people take pictures and video and report on it in the news on TV and the internet and you tube and political blogs blah blah blah.

He’s a bastard. Go online and Google Romney’s dog story. This asshole put the family dog in a kennel and then tied the kennel on the roof of the car during a 12 hour trip into Canada. Part way through the trip when one of his sons noticed the dog shitting down the back window out of pure, abject terror, Mittens became a man of action. He pulled over, hosed down the dog and the kennel, put the dog back into the kennel, re-tied it to the roof of the car and continued with the trip. Bastard.

He’s made millions by down-sizing companies and laying off hard-working people, all the while apparently laughing as if he were watching a Green Acres re-run. This election the number one issue is . . . drum roll please . . . job creation and the unemployment rate! Hmmm, Mittens doesn’t seem like a good match for this issue. It’s like an eHarmony meet-up between Paris Hilton and Tim Tebow.

So basically Mitt Romney is a smiley idiot bastard who, if elected president, would spend four years still trying to get people to like him, passing legislation and then backtracking, and denying suffering people unemployment while slashing jobs rather than creating them. Sounds like a fun 1460 days.

In conclusion I’d like to apologize to any reader who thought by the title that this was an article on winter outer wear. No harm was ever intended to gloves, hand warmers or Isotoners.

Filibuster This!

Coming this week from Miramax its Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning starring as "Captain Asshole" in Filibuster This! Also starring the United States senate as "the Hostages" and millions of unemployed workers as "the Screwed and Pissed-Off Masses".

Directed by Harry Reid and produced by Barack Obama, part of the same team that brought you Healthcare Blanket Bingo, Filibuster This! is a tour de force performance by Senator Bunning as the world’s largest asshole. Sweaty, hairy and covered in pimples, Bunning runs amok in the senate throwing out his patented catch phrase “Tough Shit” to every one he meets while single-handedly screwing every unemployed American citizen at the same time. With his own party against him, he goes it alone on his ignorant and pointless quest, fervently working at not making a sliver of positive difference in the lives of those he represents.

Also opening this Friday in limited release, its Mitt Romney starring in a short film by Fox News called “I’m Going to Gainsay Everything the President and Democrats Say in Hopes of Convincing the Republican Base That I’m a Viable Presidential Candidate Even Though I’ve Never Done Anything Helpful and Don’t Have an Original Thought or Idea to Fix Any of This Country’s Problems and Only Want to be President Because I’m Rich and White and That’s My Birthright”.

The film is preceded by a new cartoon starring Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd entitled, “You’re Not Safe in Pubwic Parks Anymore Wabbit Because Now I Can Cawwy Firearms Thanks to Some Incwedibly Stupid and Short-Sighted Powiticians”.