Goodbye 2016

So.

2016 is almost over. For the world at large 2016 has been as Helen Mirren said “a big pile of shit”. Wars continue unabated in many parts of the world. The United Kingdom has caused an uproar by voting to exit the European Union. White Nationalists are rising in power in many countries and too many people don’t seem to care. Oh, and the United States voted an unstable, racist jar of orange marmalade in as their new president.

Then there are the deaths in the entertainment world. Many, many deaths. An unrelenting torrent from the Grim Reaper taking our music, our storytellers, our play actors. David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Paul Kantner, Greg Lake, Keith Emerson,  Richard Adams, Harper Lee, Ken Howard, Doris Roberts, Garry Shandling, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Garry Marshall, Michel Cimino, Gene Wilder and Alan fucking Rickman. 2016 took Willy Wonka and Hans Gruber.

And this is only a sampling of those that passed. The real list is ridiculously long.

I can’t say on a personal level that it’s been too bad of a year and I hope that’s the case with anyone who reads this. But as a whole I think we’re all ready to move on. It’s time to say goodbye to 2016.

2016 . . . goodbye and good riddance, get out, hit the bricks, take a hike, beat cheeks, make like a tree and leave, skedaddle, vamoose, be gone, leave my sight and never return, there’s the door, so long, farewell, smell you later, ciao!, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, Sayonara, adios, jet, take off, roll, run, split, scoot, make tracks, hit the road, head east, skate, bounce, take a long walk off a short pier, turn the corner, depart, cut out, move off, sally forth, set sail, shove off, pack it up, vacate the premises, take your leave, disembark, make it so, reverse engines, follow the yellow brick road, toodle loo, let her rip tater chip and last but not least, get the fuck out!

Interviewing the New Year

My interview with 2013:

CO: So far in the news we have Justin “I still look like a fifteen year old girl” Bieber smoking pot, Alabama winning the football national championship, Lindsay Lohan getting arrested, the moron who wants Piers Morgan deported is from Texas . . .  and he’s insane, and Congress is pissing on themselves. Seems a lot like 2012.

2013: Yeah, well, I wanted to ease into my new gig, so, I borrowed a few items from my buddy 2012 to get started.

CO: When will you be asserting your own personality?

2013: Hmmm. Good question. I’m not . . . really . . . motivated . . . for success. So I’m in no hurry.

CO:  But people, in general, look at a new year as an opportunity for things to be better than the previous year.

2013: True, but let’s be honest, does it ever work out that way?

CO: It must sometimes, for someone.

2013: Yeah, that’s not much of an incentive for me to put up an effort.

CO: You’ve been smoking weed with Bieber, haven’t you?

2013: What? How dare . . . yeah, I have. Dude gets good shit too. It’s from some farm in Thailand. Damn, I am so loose right now.

CO: You’re not going to do anything about anything, are you?

2013: Hmm? Wha?

CO: Do I hear . . . the Grateful Dead?

2013: Truckin’ like the doodah man!

CO: Go away.

2013: In 357 days brother.

CO: Happy New Year!

3 Days

It’s 2012 and what do we have? Seven idiots running for the republican presidential nomination, someone got arrested at Lindsay Lohan’s house and another celebrity couple is getting divorced after barely a year of marriage. Seems a lot like 2011 to me.

Of course, it has only been 3 days so maybe I should give the new year a break. How much could it actually have accomplished in 3 days? Hmm.

Woodstock—3 days of peace, love and music

Gettysburg—3 day battle that effectively lost the Civil War for the south

Apollo 11—3 days to fly from the Earth to the moon

Wimbledon—in 2010 Nicolas Mahut and John Isner played the longest tennis match in history stretching over portions of 3 days with Isner finally prevailing 70-68 in the 5^th set

With these events in mind I think it’s time for 2012 to step it up. Three days now seems like plenty of time for the new year to distinguish itself from 2011. I don’t know about you, but I’m still working the same job for the same pay, my car still has 117,000 miles on it and I still don’t love vegetables (2012 is supposed to teach me to love vegetables so I can be healthier. Damn I want a donut).

I think in the past I was content to let the new year ease into its job, take care of the previous regime’s problems first before announcing its presence. But I’m 46. My life needs action to change. I know 2012 still has that new year smell and we’ve barely gotten the oil mixed through the entire engine, but I think my list proves it’s possible to accomplish a lot in 3 days.

It’s clear what happened. The 1^st was a Sunday so 2012 took it easy. It slept in, no doubt with a hangover, and when it did finally get up, it never made it out of its pajamas and bathrobe. A little hair of the dog while watching football and boom day 1 is over with nothing accomplished. Day 2, television was filled with college football bowl games. 2012 was in a pick ‘em pool. Instead of helping people with resolutions, the new year was on 2011’s couch, eating hot wings while imploring Wisconsin to score before his whole ticket was blown. Today was day 3, a Tuesday of all days. Nothing of consequence gets done on a Tuesday. 2012 knows this so it went to OTB trying for the trifecta, lost, and spent the evening smoking weed with 2009 and 2010.

We are all very disappointed in you, 2012. I know many people had very high hopes for you to start strong. We all have a lot of problems and were counting on you to have answers.

Oh well. Maybe day 4 will be a day of miracles, if we can get 2012 out of bed.

Happy New year

The holidays are the time of year when we take a hard look at all we have to be thankful for in the past 12 months. As someone trying to establish a writing career and using this blog as a stepping stone, I find myself thankful for all the people and things that give me subjects to write about.

Politicians—It’s a given that politicians are horrible people. They all claim to get into the profession because they want to help their country, county, city or municipality grow and progress. In fact, they are in the game to reap whatever spoils they can for themselves and their family while screwing over the people that elected them. At the same time, they have to appear to be doing “something” so they can continue to get elected and not lose all the graft they’ve accumulated. 2011 was a banner year for any humor writer as the Republicans put up not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 127 ill-qualified, mentally unbalanced, narcissistic, not-a-good-idea-between-them candidates for the 2012 presidential election. We laughed along with Herman Cain as he forgot what Libya was. We chuckled at Mitt Romney attempting to squeeze a personality out of his ass cheeks. We cringed every time Michelle Bachmann opened her mouth because we weren’t quite sure if she was just being ignorant or was truly delusional. We shook our heads when Donald Trump said he does very well with ‘the blacks’ because we knew the only thing black about Donald is his soul, which he obviously sold to the devil years ago somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. So I say thank you to the American politicians for another year of their idiocy.

Shopping—I’m a little different than most guys in that I like to shop to an extent. I was raised by my mother and I went shopping with her as a kid and now I enjoy it as an adult. My shopping trips in 2011 have given me plenty to write about, from inattentive clerks to bonus cards that are so difficult to attain the store franchise has gone out of business by the time you finish filling out the form, to one memorable shopper in a grocery store who said something to her child that found its way to my ears which led to my stomach and I almost vomited. Hopefully 2012 will lead me to more store adventures like Walmart before Christmas when I picked up a blanket from the site-to-store desk. I told the clerk my item was a blanket and she began her search for it in a drawer that only a comforter for a pixie would have fit in.

My own stupidity—Sad to say I have provided myself an abundance of material. I got a speeding ticket, met bigfoot in the woods of a local park, I found out I’m too old to exercise as parts of my body started to fall off and I found things in my medicine cabinet that had been expired for 7 years. I would like to say that I will do better in 2012, but I know me. My personal inanity will only grow and I will be forced to share it with you. I’m sure in the months to come I will injure part of my body, try to fix something and have it rebel against me with an attack reminiscent of a Roger Corman movie, or sight a UFO from my yard on a night when the moon is low and the swamp gas is rising.

Here’s hoping 2012 brings me many things to write about and publish on the world wide web of internet tubes. Hopefully you will all stick around to read my ramblings. Happy New Year.