James Spader Won't Return My Calls

I am making a motion to the world at large that there cannot be two different movies of the same name. The fact that we currently allow this to happen has cost me $4.46. Here is my sad story.

I was listening to an old episode of the radio show Hearts of Space. If you’re not familiar with it, it is a weekly hour long show that plays ambient music. Each show has a theme and a mellow-voiced DJ. If you’re not careful the sound of Steven Hill’s voice will put you to sleep before the music does.

There is a show from a few years back that showcases music from movie soundtracks. They played several tracks from the movie “Crash”. That would be the “Crash” that won the best picture Oscar and starred people like Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillipe, Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock and many others. Seriously, there were like 356 people in that movie. The opening credits took 47 minutes just to list their names.

I liked what I heard so I decided to buy the soundtrack. Now when I say “buy” I don’t mean I will saunter down to my local music store to hand over a crisp $20 bill and walk out with a square plastic case with a shiny new CD inside. I mean that I will log on to a web site that originates from a country not named the United States and I will purchase mp3s for a small amount.

So I go to the web site and search for “Crash”. A bunch of things come up but none are the movie soundtrack. Next I went to Amazon to look for a used copy. I again searched “Crash” and viola; there it was, used for $1.35. With shipping my total was $4.46.  A few days later my CD arrives. I’m looking at the still pictures from the movie on the inserts and I think “these people weren’t in Crash”. Yes, I had bought the wrong soundtrack. Apparently there is another movie titled “Crash” from 1996 starring James Spader and Holly Hunter.

Now I’m in a huff. The inside of a huff is dark and hot with the music of Gary Lewis and the Playboys spinning nonstop which just leaves you confused. I go back to Amazon to find the correct “Crash” soundtrack and they have it, but even used its $13 and I don’t have that much for a CD right now, but I do find out the name of the composer. So I go back to my shall-remain-nameless web site and search under his name and what do I find? The “Crash” soundtrack I had searched for a week ago and couldn’t find. Crap.

I wonder if James Spader would refund my $4.46?

No More Mr. Nice Guy

The office I work in is designed in what is called a “cubicle farm”. Five foot tall portable walls surround everyone’s desks to give you the illusion of privacy. In fact the walls do virtually nothing to block sound and you end up being able to hear almost every word everyone else says within about a 30 yard radius. All this means it is hard to concentrate on your work and that you hear a lot of personal information you didn’t want to. The other day it meant getting to hear a manager have a melt down over the phone. To say she got a “little” loud is like saying yogurt is a “little” disgusting. This isn’t an exact transcript but you get the idea. The names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Martha: No Linda . . . Linda, no . . . no, no, no . . . I’m telling you Linda . . . no, you set it up correctly. SHE did it wrong. SHERRY did it wrong! You did it correctly. Don’t . . . DON’T follow what SHERRY did! DON’T. SHE SET IT UP WRONG! I don’t know . . . I’ve told her over and over . . . NO! You did it right. YOU DID IT RIGHT! YOU DID IT RIGHT! SHE was wrong. I’ve told her . . . yes, you are set up correctly. Don’t let anyone . . . ANYONE . . . set it up like SHERRY. SHE DID IT WRONG! Linda, I’m telling you, you did it right, SHERRY did it wrong. Listen to me . . . LISTEN TO ME . . . you have it right, don’t follow SHERRY. SHE DID IT WRONG!

This went on for an uncomfortably long time. Of course the rest of the afternoon my co-workers and I talked like this to each other and decided wouldn’t it be nice to turn off the “business politeness” filter every now and then:

Me: You did what? That is NOT what I told you to do in my email. I told you to log off first. A monkey could follow that instruction. Should we replace you with a monkey? I AM SICK of you people not being able to read a SIMPLE instruction! I swear I am going to come to your office and find you so I can PLUCK out your EYEBALLS one at a time. Maybe when you read my instructions in BRAILLE you’ll FOLLOW THEM!

Welcome to the new “business casual speak”. Do it right or suffer the consequences.

Mitch McConnell Hates You

The Fix-Is-In News interviewed Mitch “Huckleberry” McConnell about the Affordable Health Care Act and Mitch earned his stripes yet again as one of the world’s leading douche bags. When asked how the republicans would provide health care coverage to approximately 30 million Americans if they repeal the act, McConnell said “that is not the issue”. I think there are a few people who would disagree with that statement.

Mitch McConnell: 30 million uninsured Americans is not the issue.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Yeah, to us it kind of is the issue.

Mitch McConnell: But I’m not you. I’m white, rich and powerful.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: How are we supposed to afford medicine when our children are sick?

Mitch McConnell: All I know is that I get my Viagra for free. I mean, the wife won’t touch my gray, decrepit body but it’s still nice to feel the general salute once in a while.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Eww. What does that have to do with the people you propose to represent not being able to afford to go to a doctor?

Mitch McConnell: Good God people I’m a republican politician. How many ways can I say I don’t care?

30 Million Uninsured Americans: We want to go to the doctor too!

Mitch McConnell:  And I want my face to stop sliding down my skull like Droopy Dog but it ain’t gonna happen.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: Why are you such a dick?

Mitch McConnell: *sigh*  Rich, white, powerful, republican: I’ve been over all this already. Work with me people.

30 Million Uninsured Americans:  You were quoted as saying America already has the best health care system in the world. 30 million uninsured, people traveling over the border into Canada and Mexico to buy drugs they can’t afford to buy here, people going to other countries to get operations they can’t pay for here: How can you say our system is the best?

Mitch McConnell: Every senator and congressman and their families covered for life for free. I’m good.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: The Affordable care act will prohibit insurance companies from excluding people with pre-existing conditions. Your answer is that the states can handle these people, but only 35 states have a program like this in place. What about Americans living in the other 15 states?

Mitch McConnell: Sucks to be them.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: The states that do have these programs have high premiums, long waiting periods and won’t cover all procedures. How does this help anyone?

Mitch McConnell: I’m not here to help. I exist only to coast through life on the backs of people like you who didn’t think ahead and become a senator in a country whose political system is the only machine more screwed up than its health care system.

30 Million Uninsured Americans: You suck.

Mitch McConnell: Boo hoo. I’m gonna go take a dump and use a copy of that Supreme Court decision to wipe my boney ass.

The Dentist with the Golden Drill

I had an appointment at the dentist yesterday to get a few cavities filled. They asked me if I wanted it numbed. Do I want it numbed? Sir, I want so much Novocain that I can’t feel my entire head. I want to be so numb I can’t feel the soles of my feet. Mr. Dentist, I want military grade hallucinogenics so while you work on my teeth, I will be floating through a sky made of chocolate syrup while half unicorn/half Ritz cracker creatures feed me polyethylene lollipops and Wonder Woman gives me a pedicure with a walrus-sized Dremel tool.

I don’t like the dentist

I didn’t like him when I was five

I wouldn’t like him in a hive

I didn’t like him at ten

I wouldn’t like it if their name was Ben, Jen or Ken

I didn’t like him when I was fifteen

I wouldn’t like him if he was Charlie Sheen

I didn’t like him at twenty

I wouldn’t like him on a levee

I didn’t like him at twenty five

I would not like him on a cattle drive

I didn’t like him when I was thirty

I wouldn’t like him if his name was Gertie

I’m telling you I don’t like going to the dentist

I didn’t like it when I turned thirty five

I wouldn’t like it covered in chives

I hated it when I was forty

I wouldn’t like it even if I could think of a good rhyme for forty

I still didn’t like it at forty five

I won’t like it on Seti Alpha 5 (Nerd Alert: Star Trek reference! Nerd Alert: Star Trek reference!)

Now I’m forty seven

And I simply don’t like going to the %$#^&* dentist!

My apologies to Dr. Seuss and my dentist who’s actually a really nice guy and does a great job on my decrepit teeth.

Was it Something I Said?

Twice in the past months I have submitted to an online publication only to see them go out of business shortly after. These were not fly-by-night zines; one was in business for 4 years and the other for 6 putting out 36 issues. I’m starting to wonder if it’s me. Here is my cover letter to the first publication:

Dear Sirs:

I have included 3 poems for you to consider. They are brilliant and most likely beyond your comprehension. If you do not publish them I swear to God I will find where you live, sell tickets to the neighbors and let them watch while I burn your house to the ground. Have a great day!

I was direct and to the point, didn’t waste the editor’s time and wished him well at the end. I think this was the perfect introduction. Here is one I sent a few weeks ago:

Hello,

I have attached a file containing several poems for you to consider. Work this transcendent cannot not be showcased properly in a publication as low brow as yours but I still believe it’s in your best interests to print them. Good luck in your future endeavors. You’ll need it if you reject my poems.

Again, I think I did an admirable job and this time a threat was only implied. I don’t see the problem, but the magazine decided to stop publishing days after I submitted.

I went through my records and noticed a disturbing trend back as far as 1993 when I had a story called “Taking Jenny Seriously” accepted but the magazine went out of business just before they were to print it. I found this note I wrote to them:

I see you have finally come to your senses. I will now release your cat Pipsy.

Hmm. I guess I should have held onto the cat a while longer. The following year my story “Magic Hands” was accepted, but again, the zine in question went out of business right before my story was to be printed. I had written this to the editor:

Sir, it is with profound disinterest that I accept your acceptance of my story Magic Hands. I have accepted that being accepted by a publication such as yours is a necessary step to acceptance by a higher class of magazine for which I would like to be accepted.

I was drinking a lot of cough syrup at this time. A particularly maddening example happened in 2000. Three of my poems were accepted by a small zine. Before the publication date arrived I had to withdraw one of them. This angered the editor to the point where she decided not to publish any of them. I won’t reprint here the whole letter I sent her but it included the phrases “drop your ashes back down into the pit of hell” and “if you regain consciousness”.

I’m beginning to think it’s something I said.

Oh, That Mitt

We interrupt this episode of “Idiots Doing Stupid Shit in Front of a Camera and Braying like Jackasses” for this special report. We go now live to correspondent Cueball Bumbersnoot. Cueball?

“Thank you Ferdinand. I am standing outside of Republican headquarters here in Washington D.C. where we have received word that Mitt Romney has said something stupid. We do not, I repeat, do not yet know what he said, but my sources say it was quite ignorant. As I speak we have people behind the scenes trying to verify just how stupid the remark was in comparison to other dopey things the presidential nominee has said like when he said “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs.” You can imagine how cumbersome an undertaking this is considering the many absolutely asinine things Mr. Romney has uttered over the last few months such as “I like being able to fire people.”

Cueball, this is Ferdinand Magellan in the studio again, can you tell the listeners where Mr. Romney was when he made his latest gaffe?

“I can’t Ferdinand. Unfortunately we are only minutes into this scandal and it appears that in a desperate grab for ratings we have gone on the air woefully unprepared.”

It’s been well documented that he’s made a gaffe at nearly every campaign event this election cycle like when he said “Corporations are people.”

“That’s true Ferdy. It’s very hard for Mr. Romney to open his mouth without making a ridiculous statement and when he doesn’t; his wife complies with one of her own.”

Isn’t it also true that Mr. Romney’s surrogates have made missteps, such as the etch-a-sketch incident?

“Yes Ferd, that’s right. We do have good information that this time it is in fact Mr. Romney himself who has put his foot in his mouth, Oxford dress shoe and all. I am hearing now that although we don’t have the exact quote it is being called dumber than when he said “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America  millions of Americans believe in.” but not as bad as when he said “I am not concerned about the very poor.”

Any idea when you will have details, Cueball?

No idea at all Ferdman. As I said, we ran with this story way too soon. I shouldn’t even be on the air right now.

Thank you Cueball Bumbersnoot. We now return to our regularly scheduled program, “Morons on Parade.”

Not Ready for NPR

Now that Car Talk is ending on NPR I figure they will be looking for replacement shows. This is my first attempt called Bad Movie Talk.

CO: Welcome to Bad Movie Talk.

Caller 1: Thanks. This is Brad from Demoines, Iowa. I have a date this weekend and I want to rent a bad movie. What should I go with?

CO: Except for Pelican Brief and Ocean’s 11, anything with Julia Roberts in it. The movie is guaranteed to be at the very least cloying and irritating but your date will love it because chicks dig Julia. Next caller.

Caller 2: Hi, this is Denise from Overland Park Kansas. My boyfriend wanted to prove to me that Adam Sandler could make anything funny so we rented Punch Drunk Love. I didn’t get it.

CO: First off, your boyfriend’s an idiot. Punch Drunk Love is not a comedy, not that any movie Sandler is in is funny but PDL was meant to be a drama. This was Sandler’s attempt to show the world he could do more than fart jokes, but he failed. The movie is awful. Next caller.

Caller 3: Greetings. My name is Howard Loveland and I am from Bozeman Montana.

CO: What can I do for you Howard?

Caller 3: I am a very dull person and I like dull things, such as the Weather Channel and the music of Kenny G. Could you recommend a movie that will bore the life out of me?

CO: Howard my friend, get ready to feel like you’re under sedation when you rent and play The Brown Bunny. The first ten minutes is nothing but a motorcycle race which you watch from a distance as if you were in the stands so you can’t even tell what the hell is going on. Then we get to see the racer put his bike in his van and drive away. I hope you like the view of the open road from the front of a van because you get 30-40 minutes of it in The Brown Bunny. And don’t worry about following the plot Howard. There isn’t one! Next caller.

Caller 4: This is Janine from Sacramento. I don’t like science fiction but my young son loves it. Is there a sci-fi movie I could show him that would kill his love of the genre?

CO: Actually there are any number of films that would fit the bill Janine but I’m going to recommend one from 1956 called Fire Maidens of Outer Space. A bunch of astronauts go on a mission to the 13th moon of Jupiter and find the lost civilization of Atlantis thriving there. Sound stupid? It is! The rest of the movie is people talking, girls dancing badly and a “monster” that is supposed to frighten you but just makes you feel sad for the actor that had to play him.

I’m also developing other shows called Let’s Talk Condiments, Everyone Loves Air Conditioning, and How Many Things Taste Better with Salt?