Why am I Surrounded by Idiots?

Case #1  I had gone to a Royal Farms store in Ocean City Maryland to pick up an out of state newspaper, Fruit Stripe gum and bailing twine. I also thumbed through the latest issue of “Independently Wealthy Long-Legged Nordic Women Looking for Older Men: Eastern Shore Edition” but decided not to spend the money. When I left I needed to walk across the parking lot to get to my SUV. There was a pick-up truck parked next to me with his headlights on and motor running, but he hadn’t moved yet.

I had a feeling he was going to pull out at any moment because he was holding up a sign that read “I’m going to pull out at any moment!” I hesitated. He still didn’t move so I began walking toward my vehicle. He waits until I’m in the middle of the lot before driving forward and cutting in front of me, almost running me over.

Case #2  I stopped at a yard sale last Friday. The house was at the side of a busy road but the shoulder was wide enough to set up a traveling carnival on. I checked out the yard sale, then played a few games of Pop-a-Shot, rode the Himalaya and ate some cotton candy. When I was done I got back in my SUV.

I started the engine but didn’t pull away because I was inputting an address into my GPS. A woman in a mini-van pulls in front of me. She proceeds to pull forward, back up, pull forward, back up, pull forward, back up, pull forward, back up . . . WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PARK THE DAMN VAN! When she is finally parked, she has backed up so close to my vehicle that now I have to back up to pull out into traffic. Then when I pull out, she chooses that precise moment to fling her door open so I almost clip her van door off.

Case #3  I went to a local supermarket which I won’t name. I’ll just say the name sounds like “wise” but is spelled Weis. I needed taco shells, maple syrup and more bailing twine. After finding my items I walked to the check-out lines. There were three registers with lights on but no one there to ring me up. I discovered why when I saw a gaggle (is “gaggle” correct, or is it a “pack”, a “shitpile” or perhaps an “annoyance” of cashiers?) of cashiers standing around talking. I stood still for a moment. One of them caught sight of me and looked up. She had a puzzled expression on her face. “Why is there someone with merchandise in their hands standing at my register? Do I have gum in my mouth or am I chewing on my tongue? Huh, I just got hit by a box of taco shells.”

She eventually turned back to the conversation with her co-workers that I’m hoping was about when they thought they would be fired for being incompetent. I had the twine wrapped around my fists ready to choke all three of them, but instead I went to the only line with someone working and sighed heavily.

Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Commercials are Making Us Dumber

There is a series of commercials I’ve seen a few times that are in my opinion trying to turn the movie Idiocracy into a documentary. They take a picture of a man and put him in front of a car and then in front of a truck. Then they ask supposed “real” people questions like which guy is sexier, what kind of pet you think the car guy and truck guy would have, how would the car and truck guy shake hands, etc.

I don’t know if the “real” people are actually dumb or have been scripted and edited to look stupid, but it’s THE SAME GUY. The pictured dude in front of the car and the truck is the same guy.

“Oh, the guy with the truck would have a three headed dog that belches fire and answers to the name Kraxenhammer. The car guy would have a grub worm or possibly a Chihuahua-pygmy Spaniel mix.”

IT’S THE SAME GUY!

“My, oh my, the truck man is hot, hot, hot. My pelvis is thrusting toward the picture so hard I think my hip just popped out of the socket. But the car man, he looks like a jobless drifter who would take my grandmother on a cruise, leave her on an island, then come home and move into her rent controlled townhouse.”

IT’S THE SAME GUY!

Is this really the best concept they could come up with for a commercial: Complete stupidity wrapped up in a moronic tortilla shell and covered in a sauce that kills your brain cells? I don’t even know what kind of truck they’re advertising. The asininity of the commercial makes me yell at the TV like I’m trying to answer a Wheel of Fortune puzzle before the contestant. Besides, if they aren’t advertising a book, music or pizza I’m not buying it anyway.

Close Encounters of the Idiot Kind

Do you walk into a store and stop two steps inside the doorway so the man behind you trips himself trying not to run into you, falls to the side on his arm snapping the radius bone which breaks through the skin and stabs him in the eye leaving him blinded and unable to work so he has to move in with his daughter who is a vegan that does yoga for 3 hours each morning and doesn't own a TV? Do you drive 15 miles below the speed limit until the driver behind you falls asleep, runs their car off the road into a tree which collapses onto oncoming traffic blocking the road so an ambulance carrying a man who has fallen and broke his arm which stabbed him in the eye can't get through to the hospital? In general, do you behave as if the world revolves around you and no one else's life matters? Then you may have "You're a Fucking Idiot Syndrome".


Doctors have only recently done the first comprehensive studies on YAFIS but have already identified millions who suffer from it, including nearly every person you encounter on any given day.

The spread of YAFIS is alarming. Formerly normal people wake up one morning and have overnight become idiots. The day before they would never dream of standing in a grocery store aisle with their cart sideways thus taking up the entire lane. Then one morning they do it without even thinking and when asked politely to move aside they instead hire Gloria Allred who was in the next aisle buying granola and US Weekly. By Tuesday you're embroiled in a civil lawsuit when all you wanted was a box of Pop Tarts.

How do we combat YAFIS? Sadly there are no good alternatives at this time. Many have taken up arms and shot the idiots they encounter but when examined these people were found to have an alternate version of YAFIS called "Extremist Idiot Disorder" or "Republicanism". Others have tried reasoning with an idiot only to feel after as if their brains had melted and leaked out through their nose. A new study by the Harvard School of Psychology has identified these people as having yet another off-shoot of YAFIS, "Bleeding Heart Disease" or "Liberalism".

So where, as a society, do we go from here? Do we all build compounds, listen to Hank Williams Jr. records and eat meat-like products from a can? Do we bring back talk shows like Phil Donahue so we can work through our collective problems in daily televised therapy sessions paid for by male enhancement pills and diet supplements?

No. The solution lies within us. It isn't found in Eastern philosophy or Western nihilism. Each of us, as individuals, need to promise one another we will do better. We will be considerate of others and understand that we are not alone.

If that doesn't work there's always flippin' 'em the bird and shouting "What are ya, a fuckin’ idiot?"