ESPN: The French Whores of the Sports World

When basketball star LeBron James was ready to announce where he was going to play basketball next year, he suggested to ESPN that he do it in an hour long special they could air called “The Decision”. I wonder what other profound names they fed to the pigs to see what got shit back out: “A Complete Waste of 60 Minutes”, “Insult to Our Intelligence”, “The LeBron James Dancing Bear Variety Hour”, “Can You Believe The Shit They Put on TV” or “’What Else is on Theater’ Starring The Who Gives a Rat’s Ass Players”.

Since it took LeBron 3 seconds to say he was going to Miami, they only had 59 minutes and 57 seconds of air time to fill with sneaker commercials and prattle from the network’s legion of talking bobbleheads.

This fiasco was LeBron’s idea and I understand why ESPN said yes. James is a singular talent and the organization he chose to play for instantly became the favorite to win the NBA championship next year. They knew basketball fans all over the world would watch. That means high ratings, which translates into money which sets the suits in their ivory towers all aquiver and leaves them sweating bourbon back into their glass of ice. In the end “The Decision” was nothing more than an ode to narcissism and it left a bad taste in every sports fan’s mouth.

I’m surprised that no one at ESPN has suggested making The Decision a weekly show. For example: This week on The Decision Shaquille O’Neal decides which team to beg for a contract allowing him one more year of non-production for which he will get paid more money than some small countries have in reserve. Don’t miss next week when the Cincinnati Bengals decide to thumb their nose at the wrath of God and sign Terrell Owens for a year.

ESPN has recently compounded their affront to journalism by spending an entire day reporting AS A FACT that Brett Favre had told the Minnesota Vikings that he was retiring from the NFL. The next day we find out it was nothing more than a rumor which Brett eventually denied by saying “I have not made a final decision because I’m a prima donna drama queen who milks TV time like a farmer’s cool, morning hand on a cow’s teats.” I’m paraphrasing but that’s what I heard.

I watched and listened to some of the coverage because it was inescapable if you’re a sports fan. ESPN tied our hands and feet to an uncomfortable vinyl-covered kitchen chair using coarse horse-hair rope and held us hostage. ESPN was definitely not reporting it as a rumor. They were acting as if it were a foregone conclusion. The only reason to report it this way is the same reason they aired “The Decision”: ratings.

So while ESPN has always been about making money like any network is, lately they have become the French whores of the sports world, selling themselves for little more than a baguette and a verse of the Marseillaise.

Do You Remember Who Finished Third?

This past Sunday the ESPN bottom line had this to say:

Castroneves wins 500, Danica 3rd

This was the announcement that Helio Castroneves had won the Indianapolis 500, one of the most prestigious auto races in the world. What got my attention though was ESPN feeling the need to let us know that Danica Patrick finished third in the race.

I’m not a racing fan but as a sports fan I know what the big events are and who the participants will be. I also understand what a thrill winning the biggest race of the year must be and this was Castroneves’s third time in the winner’s circle. To me, the unnecessary addition of Patrick’s placement took something away from the announcement.

The bigger question is why are they still reporting where Danica Patrick finishes in every race? She’s been on the IndyCar circuit for 5 years and has 1 win. I get why she was a big deal 5 years ago: Not many women drive in any of the professional racing leagues, be it NASCAR, IndyCar or the NHRA and she has the potential to be very good. But when does public fascination give way to reality? She’s been a member of two good racing teams and in 68 races has won 1 time.

I’m not a golf fan but I get annoyed when I hear “Angel Cabrera won the Byron Nelson Classic today. And Tiger finished 13th.” Again, I think that takes away from the winner’s time in the spotlight. But I do understand it even if I don’t like it. Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world and one of the best there’s ever been. Every time he steps onto the golf course he has a better than average chance to win the tournament.

The same can’t be said of Danica Patrick. She doesn’t win. 5 years and 68 races with good equipment and she doesn’t win. So why is ESPN reporting where she finishes if it isn’t 1st? When does the whole “we’re paying attention because she’s a woman” become “we’ll pay attention again when she starts winning”? For me the time has passed.