Republican Hopefuls, America Hopeless

Let’s take a look at the possible Republican presidential candidates:

Fred Karger—Fred was the first person to officially declare that he’s running in 2012. Good thing to because he’s going to need the next 18 months for people to figure out who the hell he is. He’s a retired political consultant who went on some program and made derogatory comments about Obama. Apparently he thinks that’s all he has to do to get the republican nomination. Come to think of it, he may be right.

Herman Cain—Herman is the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and a political activist. He has been quoted as saying he would not appoint a Muslim to his cabinet if he were elected president because he doesn’t trust them. Yeah! Intolerance and discrimination, the American way! Why doesn’t he trust them? Because they’re trying to impose sharia law on American citizens. Uh, no they’re not. You’re just another fear-mongering sack of republican manure stankin’ up my air.

Mitt Romney—Mittens is coming back for a second round of his Plastic Mormon routine: Every hair in place, perfectly tailored suit, and not a thought in his head. The best part is Obama’s health care plan that Mittens has been railing against is basically the same plan he implemented as governor of Massachusetts. Bye Mitt, one more failure to add to the family scrapbook.

Tim Pawlenty—Governor of Minnesota who mannnnyyy zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh! Sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. Tim Pawlenty everyone, let’s hear it for him!

Mitch Daniels—Who?

Newt Gingrich—Blustering, bloated bloviator of all things anti-Democrat, Newt is also a low-life who divorced his first wife while she was in the hospital so he could marry his mistress. Don’t republicans always campaign on FAMILY VALUES? Well, everyone is allowed one mistake, I’m sure Newt regrets his actions. Let me just read a little more of his biography . . . and . . . uh huh, ok, well apparently he divorced the second wife so he could again marry his mistress. I believe this is now known as the John McCain platform.

Mike Pence—see Mitch Daniels

John Thune—A senator from South Dakota, Thune is apparently a rising star in the Republican Party, but let’s be serious: South Dakota? No one from a state south of Iowa is going to vote for a senator from the Dakotas unless he’s bringing cupcakes and fireworks to every polling center in the United States on election night. Even then we won’t vote for him. Oh sure, we’ll take a chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing and a sparkler and politely say thank you, but by the time we’ve cast our vote, the cupcake will be gone and the sparkler burned out, much like our interest in John Thune.

Haley Barbour—The governor of Mississippi is a red-faced, sweating southern baboon who also happens to be a card-carrying racist. His praise for racist groups is well-documented as his mild back-pedaling when he gets caught saying things in public when people are actually listening to his fat ass. Let’s recap: southern, white, and racist. We have a winner! Ding, ding, ding! Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 republican presidential candidate: Haley Barbour!