The Partycrashers

Boise State, TCU, Cincinnati: Thank you for your college football seasons thus far. We appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into creating such exciting and fun-to-watch teams and can imagine the thrill it must be to be undefeated this late in the season. We wanted to say thank you . . . and you shouldn’t have bothered because you’re not getting into the national title game.

Even if you win out and end up undefeated for the whole season we are not letting you in the club. Why? You’re not in the SEC or Big 12 of course. Those are the only two conferences that have any relevance. At least that’s the consensus of the talking heads on ESPN, Fox, CBS, ABC, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We realize that you’ve worked just as hard as any other Division I school with the coach spending months recruiting the best players available, the tough two-a-day summer practices, the game planning, dealing with injuries, etc. Yes, you’ve done all these things, but you haven’t done them in the SEC or Big 12, so it’s a moot point.

Oh, and don’t feel like you’re being singled out. We don’t care about the Big 10, The ACC, the MAC, Conference USA, the Sun Belt or the PAC 10 either (except USC, we’ll always care about USC no matter how many games they lose to Stanford and Oregon).

In fact you really don’t need to have a football program. By all rights you should just shut down, save that money, use it elsewhere at the university because we’ll never let you in the title game. What would this country be coming to if the National Champion of Division I college football was Boise State or Texas Christian? I mean that would be un-American. We’d have to be communists to let that happen.

You should just be happy that we ALLOW you to play in bowls against the teams we do let into the championship game, such as Boise State’s 2006 defeat of Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl or Utah’s 2008 defeat of Alabama in the Sugar bowl.

Because you see, those games are the real reason that we don’t want to let you play for the national championship.

You might actually win.

Goodbye Texas

At a Tea Party gathering on April 15, the governor of Texas said his state might have to secede from the union if things don’t change in this country. I have only one thing to say to Governor Rick Perry and his state:

Goodbye, see ya, take off, auf wiedersehen, farewell, leave, get out, be gone, don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, so long, end of the line, split, book, motor, take your leave, call a cab, au revoir, sayonara, Do svidaniya, give ‘em the boot, exit stage right, take the yellow brick road, walk away, see ya later alligator after while crocodile, adieu, adios, bye-bye, cheerio, ciao, Godspeed, toodle-oo, hit the road, hasta la vista, ta-ta, withdraw, take a hike, depart, get away, get off, git, why are you still here?, your services are no longer required, there’s the door so use it, time’s up, good day, see you down the road, take it easy, take care, see you in hell, out the door or through the window, make it so, pack up your shit, get going, take the scenic route, C U L8R, piss off, until we meet again, take a flying leap, peace out, good riddance, cheery bye, turn the lights off lock the door and don't come back!