Wrong Turn

A couple of co-workers and I have been running over our lunch break for a few weeks. I know your first question is “Why would anyone do that?” I don’t have a good answer so let’s just move on.

Today we had to alter our route because our usual path was blocked by a road crew. So we turned right and took a way that led deeper into the city. Here are a few of the sights we encountered:

A woman wearing shorts that were WAY too short, a shirt that was WAY too tight and to top the ensemble off, fuzzy bedroom slippers. The color of the slippers did match her hair, so, there’s that.

A couple standing veryclose to each other and then suddenly walking in opposite directions. Pretty sure something illegal changed hands.

See above several more times.

Two obviously high individuals attempting to have a conversation about getting high. It wasn’t going well because they were already high. Way up there.

A photo shoot taking place in the parking lot of a small corner grocery store. I’m sure those pictures taken on a phone with a giant yellow-as-the-sun concrete wall as a backdrop will get the subject the job/date/blackmail victim she’s looking for.

Possibly saw a woman snort cocaine from her finger while driving.

Ran past a building that may have contained 1 or more dead bodies. All we know is a smell emanated from this structure that was indescribable. There was no oxygen available to breath that didn’t contain this odor that seared our nostrils and burned the tears from our eyes. Demons swept from the building and harassed us down the block carrying the smell with them like a burlap sack of rotting badgers.

We made it back to work and decided the next time we turn left.

Old Man Running

I was never a runner. Even in school I hated running laps in practice. During track season my friend Kenny and I used to cheat on our warm up laps because we didn't want to run. Until we got caught. Our argument was we throw shot and disc, doesn't require the ability to run, so why should we? We were prepared to debate this with the coach in standard debate league format: 3 minute opening statement, 1 minute for rebuttal, impartial judge makes the ruling. The coach decided we should run the full laps or not be on the team.

So it was odd last summer when I decided to try running at 49 years old. It was more accurately plodding or lumbering. A friend was training for a half marathon and it inspired me to see if I could run a half mile before having a stroke. I did it, barely, so the next night I went out again to see if I could go further.

It became a challenge for me to increase how far I could go each time I ran. Eventually I also saw it helping my blood pressure. Last November I ran my first 5K, I just recently ran my second.

The thing is, running isn't easy for me. I'm not a natural runner, I'm overweight and to be frank, I'm lazy. Sitting on the couch reading a book or watching a movie is my natural state of being. I do enjoy the challenge, but not the pain. This is what my body sounds like when I get up in the morning to run:

"Oh great the alarm is going off. Crap, another morning to go to work. This is a little earlier than usual . . . and hey, we're not getting into the shower. Why are we getting dressed already? These aren't work clothes either. Wait a minute. Shorts, t-shirt, running shoes . . . NO!!! Don't you do it! Don't do it! Oh no we're outside. Too early, it's still dark. Wait, we're moving. Ahh! Running! The legs hurt already, lungs are burning for air. What is wrong with you? You dirty, rotten traitor. Back to bed! To the couch! Please sit down and watch TV."

This goes on for the first mile. After that I fall into slow, steady rhythm and my body gives up complaining. At least until later in the day.

"Oh, you feel a little tendinitis in your foot? That's from running! Your knee is sore? Running! All your problems are from running! Stop! Repent! Pray at the altar of laziness and immobility."

Man, my body is annoying.