The Glaze of Truth

Ariana Grande is a mythical pixie in flesh form who sings unoriginal, derivative songs in a tone only schnauzers can hear. For reasons that elude me and cats throughout the world, some people like her music, enough so she was set to head a concert in Pittsburg this weekend for Major League Baseball.

Yesterday a video surfaced of the lighter than hydrogen singer in a donut shop with her boyfriend, one of her back up dancers (unoriginal and derivative in romance as well). Ariana pretended to lick a donut that was on the counter. Then when an employee brought out a new tray of fresh donuts she said, “What the fuck is this? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

Hmmm. I don’t . . . I don’t know where to start. How . . . how do you explain . . . this?

If you don’t like donuts, GET OUT! This country does not need you. Donuts are sacred!

If you don’t like donuts, why are you in a donut shop? Surely there was some Shakespearian forest you could have been prancing around in with Puck and the sprites.

Why would you pretend to lick a donut? That innocent pastry did nothing to harm you. That sugary glaze was not meant for a mouth as bitter as yours, but as a sweet delight for a hard-working American. Joe the construction worker deserved that donut. Instead a mincing show pony ruined it.

When they brought out the tray of donuts why did you hiss at it like your boy-toy had just slid his finger in your ass? They weren’t going to hurt you. They’re donuts, not cobras.

My research says you were born in Boca Raton Florida which makes you an American. Self-loathing can be an enjoyable hobby, but most of us keep it quiet, we don’t announce it out loud to a camera,

Grande is no longer playing the baseball concert. She says it’s because she is recovering from having her wisdom teeth pulled.

(cough)(cough)bullshit(cough)  (cough)bullshit(cough)

The box of 10X sugar with a microphone has also apologized and explained she was just concerned about childhood obesity and she naïvely thought she could help by going to Dunkin Donuts, making out with someone on her payroll and then cursing 300,000,000 people.

Narcissism is great, huh?

Following the Crowd

I realized the other day that I may be the only person left in the world that doesn’t have his own podcast and is also not running for president in 2016. I’m not sure what this means about myself. Am I lazy? Not ambitious enough? Don’t care?

If I had a podcast what would my subject be? My love of cream-filled donuts? I don’t know if I can fill an hour a week about donuts. Who would my guests be, the Dunkin Donuts lady?

“Good afternoon. Today I welcome Mindy Nussbaum, donut chef at Dunkin Donuts store #435 in charge of glazed, sprinkles and crullers.”

Once we got past the fact that she has a dream job though, I’m not sure where that interview goes. Each week I would need another guest. They would get progressively worse until around week 8 where it would be just me drooling in a sugar coma after eating a half dozen angel creams.

About running for president, I guess this would be the year to do it. There are already 119 candidates combined with the two parties and that doesn’t even count the fringe parties like communist, libertarian, Duck Dynasty enthusiasts, Duggar apologists, the Hipster Beard party and Johnny Depp in his worst role yet.

And let’s not forget that all proclaimed candidates suck. I may be the breath of fresh air this country needs. Well, maybe not fresh air. More like the slightly stale air that escapes when you open a closet door for the first time in months, which is still better than the “just down the road from the industrial pig farm” air that the other candidates are giving off.

So I guess if I want to conform I need to get the “Donut Hole in My Soul” podcast started and fill out the paperwork to declare as a candidate for president. I will be my own guest one week on the show so I can lob softball questions at myself about my campaign. I’ll lay out the tenets of my job creation program that is essentially building more donut factories. As podcast host I will warn myself about the health implications of this plan and as a presidential candidate I will speak eloquently for 20 minutes without coming close to the subject at hand. I will then kiss my own ass, sign off for the day and take a nap.