Shakespeare’s Lost Song Lyrics

I bought a box of junk at a yard sale and at the bottom I found a batch of parchment being held together by paper clips and rubber bands. When I unfolded them I discovered they were song lyrics written by the bard himself, William Shakespeare. It turns out Shakespeare was ahead of his time musically as well as with the written word. He wrote songs in many different genres. Check these lyrics out:

Heavy Metal

Devil, Steal My Life

Death, thy sting produces mortal wounds

upon my flesh.

Off this blackened coil I must flee,

a rose in my hand for you.

Where art thou, devil, a hoof for my soul,

and horn for my all-seeing eye.

Dost thou allow thyself humor at my expense,

for there is my might.

By another name blood still flows in ribbons.

Any other name bespoke is still blood.

Beyond my countenance, devil, steal my life.

Rap

What Dost Thou Say?

What dost thou say, woman of low quality?

What dost thou say?

What dost thou say, man of uncoupled birth?

What dost thou say?

These are my words arranged in a rhyme

I am a troubadour lost out of time

Say what name is thou low-formed female

I am a ram of power, bull of spirit, a high born he-male

Hear me, see me, allow me room to move

My especial dreams bring you to hove

Feel me, lest all the world break me down

My name is a taste on your tongue that I own

Blues

The Baying of the Hounds

I dost lost my hound today,

yea, and a woman too.

I dost lost my best hound today,

verily my woman has gone as well.

I rue this day and the sun that rose because of it.

Where have mine coins gone?

I am bereft.

Where, oh where, didst mine coins go?

I am lost.

I wish to return to whence I had value.

Keep these dogs of violent refrain.

I shout to the abraded heavens to

keep thou dogs for work of the devil’s hand

and leave me to mine own council.

Now if I could just get Patrick Stewart to record these songs . . .

The Truth about Number 2

On my walk last evening I passed a group of teenagers (Is “group” the right term? Or is it “gaggle” or “pride” or “passel”, maybe its “annoyance”? Yeah, that’s it). I passed an annoyance of teenagers and one was breathlessly telling a story that was obviously utter bullshit.

“The car was going 100 miles an hour and suddenly he opens the door and jumps out, I shit you not.”

The line that got my attention was “I shit you not.” Where exactly did we come up with this phrase as English speakers? We use the word “shit” in many different ways as brilliantly chronicled by George Carlin on his FM/AM album in 1972. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f46HRlTIYDM

But why do we say things like “Are you shitting me?” as a way of questioning someone’s truthfulness? If you think about it logically, “shitting” someone sounds like you’re giving them an enema. Now, you can pay $9.99 a month on a plethora of websites and watch all of those videos you want and none of it explains why we use it in the context we do.

Back to “I shit you not.” This version is the most interesting because it sounds so Shakespearean:

King Henry: Dost thou shittest me?

Exeter: I shit thee not my liege.

Romeo: By the light of a Janus moon I believe you shitteth me

Juliet: No my love, I swear on the beating of my full heart I shit thee not.

So basically we have a phrase, “I shit you not”, that sounds like a denial of an old English fecal extracting colon cleanse that we as modern English speakers are using to mean “I am not lying to you or exaggerating the circumstances”.

How about some alternatives:

“I am not trying to de-turd you.”

“I’m not going anywhere near your ass with a rubber tube.”

“My veracity can be proven by your lack of anal leakage.”

Uh, yeah, I guess we’d better stick with “I shit you not” no matter where we came up with it.