Kelly Osbourne is not a Racist, says Kelly Osbourne

Kelly Osbourne, the colostomy bag of the entertainment world, opened her gaping maw the other day allowing a stream of bile to emerge and form what she considers a thought. Most of humanity would have considered it a turd made from an evening of too many turkey sausage tacos and flushed it into the sewer.

Kelly gave her thought the pet name Mr. Duh and then set him loose on The View:

“If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?”

The 8 loyal viewers of The View quickly put down their morning bacon and egg croissant to text, tweet and post about the insensitive thing that the famous-for-no-reason British twat had just said.

Kelly quickly sent Mr. Duh into seclusion while she dealt with the press, releasing a statement, NOT an apology: “I will take responsibility for my poor choice of words but I will not apologize for being a racist, as I am NOT.”

Miss Osbourne did not elaborate on what words would have been a better choice to say that all Latinos clean toilets for a living. The world waits with Cheetos-laced breath for her final dissertation on not being a racist bag of English gravy.

Kelly Osbourne also noted in her statement that she cleans her own toilets. This isn’t that surprising considering she is a toilet.

A National Day of Mourning

This is hard news to report. I’ve hesitated typing these words because there’s so much sadness in the world already and I didn’t want to add to it, but I see other news outlets have already broken the story. Yes, it’s true: Kelly Osbourne has quit Fashion Police.

She threatened to do it, but we didn’t believe her. The Republicans begged the president to go to DEF CON 3 and send in a seal team to talk her out of it. The Democrats tried to pass an emergency bill through congress outlawing her ability to quit the show, however, several key senators screwed it up by adding provisions for getting health insurance for the indigent and job creation legislation. Why can’t our elected officials see the big picture? There meddling killed the bill and now Kelly is gone.

How will this nation survive someone like Kelly, who has no discernible talent, leaving a TV show no self-respecting person would ever watch? This is what Americans thrive on: Narcissistic plasma balls wearing birthday-party-clown make-up getting paid the gross national income of Paraguay to do nothing of value to society. If we let people like this quit their meaningless jobs how will we fill 24 hours of programming on fringe networks like E!, Bravo or NBC?

This is indeed a sad day, but one we should have seen coming. Vacuum hoses like Kelly Osbourne can only suck the life out of us for so long before they fill up and blow away like a Mylar balloon, fading into the ionosphere.