The Soap Opera of Aerosmith

Previously on General Guiding Aerosmith As Their Lives Turn:

Rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford cracked his head while getting out of his Ferrari, requiring surgery. When Brad woke up he couldn’t remember his 40 year career in Aerosmith instead believing he had just won the 2nd chair clarinet in his Junior High School band. He believed his doctor to be Mr. Lippy, the orchestra leader.

Bassist Tom Hamilton recovered from his throat surgery to find he could suddenly sing like a classically trained soprano. He had just informed the rest of the band that he was quitting Aerosmith to tour Europe as Rosina in a production of Barber of Seville.

Drummer Joey Kramer was confronted by his evil twin Jerry. Jerry threatened to tell the world the truth: he was really the drummer for Aerosmith and that Joey had spent the past 30 years as a flood insurance salesman in Des Moines, Iowa.

Lead guitarist Joe Perry was holding a press conference announcing the band was looking for a new lead singer to replace Steven Tyler who was in drug rehab for the 103rd time to break an addiction to Flintstone’s vitamins.

This week’s episode: I AM Aerosmith

Scene: Press conference with Joe Perry sitting in front of a bank of microphones.

JP: So we’re looking for a new singer to replace Steven while he . . . recuperates. We’ve talked to Reba McIntire and a guy named Stewart we found on YouTube.
Suddenly there is a commotion at the back of the room and Steven burst in popping Barneys and Bettys like they were candy
ST: Are you crazy? I AM Aerosmith! You can’t go on without me.
JP: We don’t want to sit around waiting for you. We’re all replaceable.
ST: Replace this.
Steven grabs his crotch and wails:
“Ach Ach Ach Ach Ach Owwww!”
Another commotion ensues and then Tom Hamilton appears.
TH: I can do better than that
Tom begins to sing
"Tyrant, soon I’ll burst thy chains
Sweeter bonds than thine to prove"
Brad Whitford bursts into the room, clarinet in hand and plays along with Tom’s singing. Steven tries to get the attention back on himself by dropping trou and screaming:
ST: get out my big ten inch . . .
Joe Perry grabs Joey Kramer
JP: Joey help me!
JK: I can’t help you with these guys but how are you set with flood insurance. You can never have too much coverage. Hartford Mutual has a plan to fit everyone’s needs.

The press conference descends into madness. Jerry the evil twin drops in from the sky light proclaiming “I AM Aerosmith” while his brother Joey has cornered the president of the Aerosmith fan club and is selling her an Act of God policy. Mr. Lippy shouts to Brad from the back of the room for him to clean his spit valve while Joe Perry yells, “A singer, a singer, my Stratocaster for a singer!”

Tune in next week for the continuing saga of the Bad Boys of Boston.

Aerosmith: Getting Their Asses Kicked by Father Time

Concert Cancelled in Venezuela While Joe Perry Fights Off Knee Infection
Seven Shows Postponed After Tyler Injures Leg
Bassist Hamilton Pulls Out of Tour to Recover from Surgery
Brad Whitford Needs Surgery after Hitting Head Getting Out of His Ferrari
Tyler Breaks Shoulder in fall from Stage

These are the stories fans of the rock band Aerosmith have been seeing for the past few months. Every member has had at least one surgery within the past year and their current tour has now been postponed for the second time due to an injury suffered by singer Steven Tyler, each time while . . . dancing. Yes, the Bad Boys of Boston are turning into our grandfathers right before our eyes.

Aerosmith is my all-time favorite band. I still believe that Rocks is the best hard rock album ever recorded. I have seen them live 8 times and will see them 8 more . . . if they survive their current tour. I have a ticket for the July 3 show in Hershey, PA which was postponed when Tyler tore a leg muscle, but I’m wondering if I will get to use it. Brad Whitford hit his head so hard getting out of his $300,000 Ferrari that he needed surgery? Really? That’s beyond a Spinal Tap moment.

After the postponement my brother sent me an email to tweak me about Aerosmith being too old and fragile. He suggested I become an Alice Cooper disciple because he’s been rather healthy since almost dying from drinking 723 cans of Budweiser a day for several years. I responded with a tirade worthy of . . . well, people who like tirades. But with each injury it’s getting more difficult to defend them.

To that end, I think it’s time for Aerosmith to re-record some of their songs to better fit their current ages and health status:

Sweet Emotion will now be Sweet Imodium
Train Kept a Rollin’ is Train? What Train? I Don’t Hear a Train
Toys in the Attic becomes I’m Lost in the Attic
Walk This Way is redone as I Need My Walker
Last Child is of course Last BM
Back in the Saddle changes to Back in the Lazy Boy
Love in an Elevator is rewritten as Love in the Back of an Ambulance

These will all be on their new CD Who Remembers Where We Parked? The recording will be done as soon as they finish the current tour which should be in a year or two.