Stealing Ideas from Letterman and Leno

These are real classified ads put in a free local paper. Business names and phone numbers have been faked, but the body of the ads was taken directly from the Community Courier:

Bob’s Dog Kennel sale: Maltese, Yorkiepoo, Shihtzu, Maltipoo, Cocker, Westie, Lhasapoo. Lifetime War 555-555-5555

First of all, there is a whole lotta “poo” being sold at this kennel. Sounds like the health inspector might want to pay them a visit. Secondly, I didn’t realize poodles were such hound dogs. Apparently they’ll do it with any breed available. Also coming soon its interspecies mating! Introducing Tabby Catpoos, hamsterpoos and the exotic poison dart frogpoos.

Lastly, they’re offering a “Lifetime War”. Hey, I just wanted to buy a dog and you’re declaring War on me? For the rest of my life? You can take my debit card but you’ll never take my PortugueseWaterDogPoo! Cry havoc and let slip the ChineseCrestedPoos of war! Rommel you magnificent schnauzerpoo, I read your book!

Hit by a truck? Disfigured or Disabled recently by commercial vehicle? You need our “9 step action plan”. No recovery, no fee. Call 1-888-555-5555

What a great opening sentence, but how many people do you figure are reading the classified ads that meet this criteria? I can hear the phone calls they receive:

“Hello, Schmuck and Schmuck law offices. Were you hit by a truck?”
“No, my neighbor’s cockapoo bit me.”
“Sorry we can’t help you.”

“Hello, Schmuck and Schmuck law offices. Were you hit by a truck?”
“I want to sue my landlord for . . .”
“Sorry we only do truck disfigurements.”

Damn it! When will our classified ad start paying off? Doesn’t anyone in this county ever walk in front of a dump truck? There must be a borough tree removal vehicle somewhere with a body wrapped around the rear axle.

Arizona Land Liquidation starting $89/mo, $0 down/$0 interest! 1 and 2 ½ acre ranch lots, 1 hour from Tucson! NO CREDIT CHECK, Guaranteed Financing. Money Back Guarantee! Call 1-888-555-5555

The state of Arizona is going out of business! Everything must go! It’s the biggest contiguous state liquidation sale in our history! We’re crazzzzyyyyy! Don’t have a dime for a down payment? No problem! Don’t want to pay interest? No Problem! Bankrupt? Buried in credit card debt? Living in a dumpster behind Walmart? No problem! We want to sell you land! We will finance anyone, any amount at Wacky Earl’s Arizona Liquidation sale! Come on down!

Apologies to Letterman and Leno.