Lohan Mania

Sometimes I’m looking for something to write about and it’s a struggle. I’m poring over the entertainment and news sites hoping an article will strike a spark. Last week I was in that position and then, like a divine lightning bolt, a member of the Lohan family did something so inane, the blog practically wrote itself.

Here is their latest nugget of insanity: Dina Lohan, the increasingly self-absorbed and toys-in-the-attic mother of the clan, went to a Carvel ice cream store to get a cake for her son’s birthday. She handed over a Carvel black card starting a kerfuffle only an elitist, entitled, Z-list celebrity can find themselves in. Apparently these cards were issued to commemorate Carvel’s 75th anniversary. For advertising purposes they gave a card to 75 celebrities allowing them to get free ice cream for 75 years. Do you see the pattern with the number 75? Ok, good.

Dina “Please Someone PAY ATTENTION to ME” Lohan hands over the card and the clerk at the counter, who is now my favorite person in the world, says: you’re not Lindsay Lohan, the card says Lindsay Lohan, where is Lindsay Lohan? At this point I’m sure Dina pulled the “don’t you know who I am?” gambit but the clerk, again—my favorite person in the whole world, sticks to his guns and says: you’re not Lindsay Lohan, the card says Lindsay Lohan, where is Lindsay Lohan?

When Dina couldn’t produce her daughter the guy behind the counter, my new favorite person in the world, refused to give her the cake AND kept the black card. Dina, feeling that this was the single most egregious injustice in the history of the mankind, called the police. For an ice cream cake. When the authorities got there they made the clerk give her the cake and the card but told her she couldn’t use the card again. Later in the day, a Carvel spokesman, my second favorite person in the world, issued a statement that the card was being revoked because Lindsay had been abusing the privilege by ordering copious amounts of ice cream for her family and friends.

Did anyone actually see Lindsay and exclaim, “Look, it’s that boozy, cokehead actress who did a couple of Disney movies and she’s carrying a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake from Carvel’s. Let’s go get one too!” I don’t believe this form of advertising works for 2 reasons. One, I didn’t even know Carvel’s was still in business. Two, I’d never heard of these mysterious black cards until last Friday when Dina Lohan found out how much of a nobody she really is.

Have I mentioned how much I love the clerk who wouldn’t hand over the cake?