“Jedediah
Bila is Leaving The View” the headline blared on Facebook.
Oh
no! Someone I’ve never heard of is leaving a show I don’t watch!
What
will I do? How will I wake up tomorrow knowing something happened that I don’t
give a shit about?
Will
the Sun still be yellow and send trillions of photons of light hurtling toward
earth at 186,000 miles/sec? Or will there be an enormous grapefruit in the sky
squirting us with gallons of citric acid? Will a year still last for 365 days
or will it feel unending, like watching an episode of Dr. Phil?
Will
dogs still bark or will they now make high-pitched vocalizations that sound
like “glub-glub, cooka-cooka”? What about chickens? Will we as a society still
cook delicious chicken breasts in 2000 different ways or will we suddenly be
eating broasted prairie dog while chickens now sit on school boards and city
councils discussing redistricting or adopting a new history textbook?
And
what about the other hosts of The View. Will they be the same insufferable hags
doling out life advice from their ivory towers and pandering with clichéd
interviews of other pompous celebrities? Or will they have changed?
What
if, instead of just thinking they shit rose petals, they actually do? And they
demonstrate on air. What if, instead of just believing they’re better than you,
they actually are? What if they’ve grown taller, stronger and with perfect
dental hygiene? What if you asked them a politically charged question and they
answered in a way that satisfied evangelical conservatives, tree-hugging
liberals and hard-line communists at the same time?
Now
imagine it changes in the other way. What if they’re worse? What if watching an
episode of The View goes beyond the brain-cell destroying anathema to quality
and intelligence it has always been and becomes a monster so heinous even Maury
Povich shouts “They’ve gone too far!” while hiding in a closet with three of
his unwed mother guests telling them stories about when people respected him.
Then
again, none of this will probably happen just because someone I didn’t know
existed has decided not to do a show I didn’t know they were on for reasons I
don’t care about. And it will not change my feelings about The View which is I
would rather you rub my eyes with a Q-tip soaked in ghost pepper hot sauce than
watch that wet pile of elephant dung of a show. With or without the person
whose leaving that I didn’t know was an actual person until yesterday.
